These are here for interest, or amusement, and sometimes to illustrate points I've made elsewhere.
Two Mondays
Tuesday morning, 10am. I turn up for my class, and find there's another teacher already taking it. Being kind of new, I assume
it's my fault, and wander back to my office to check my timetable and the calendar. It's Tuesday, it's 10am, its my class. I
walk back up the stairs, then halfway decide to just go back to my office and wait for my next class. Halfway back to my office,
I change my mind. It won't look good if one of the first things I do after arriving is fail to take a class because another
teacher has made a mistake. I walk back up, and knock apologetically on the door. It's an English class, so I can talk to
the teacher.
Me: Sorry Sylvia, I think this is my class.
Her: I think it is mine
Roomful of Chinese 10-year-olds eager to test-drive their new foreign teacher: It's his class, it's his class!!!
Her: Today is Monday
Me: Sorry, today is Tuesday
Her: No, today is Monday
Me: Yesterday was Monday
Her: Yes
Me: So today is Tuesday, it's my class
Her: No, today is Monday
Me : Yesterday was Monday, so today is Tuesday
Her: Not today
Me:
Me:
Me: Sorry?
Her: This week there are two Mondays.
Me: Two Mondays?
Her: Yes
Me: Yesterday and today are both Monday
Her: Yes. It's my class.
Me: Ok.
I then went off and taught the class I had taught at that time yesterday, who wanted to know why I was late.
The reasoning behind this, which I didn't understand due to being new and still under the impression that days of the week
had a natural order to them, was that the school was having a six-day week
to make up a day they'd lost earlier in the term, and as the day they'd lost had been a Monday, they had two Mondays in this
six day week.
Nobody told me, and nobody apologised for not telling me, simply because it wasn't anybodies job to tell me and everyone assumed
someone else would do so.
No planes
Fresh off the plane from Lhasa, I need to get to Hong Kong for my flight home. I walk into the CAAC office in Chengdu (one
of China's largest cities) and ask for a ticket to Hong Kong.
CAAC Lady: No planes
Me: No planes?
CAAC Lady: Yes
Me: You mean no tickets?
CAAC Lady: No, no planes.
Me: No planes to Hong Kong?
CAAC Lady: Yes
Me: Are you sure
CAAC Lady: Yes
Me: Could you check
CAAC Lady: There are no planes
Me: Could you check anyway (swivel computer monitor round so we can both see it
CAAC Lady: (taps on keyboard) No planes
Me: There are no planes from Chengdu to Hong Kong?
CAAC Lady: Yes
Me: Can you check again?
CAAC Lady: (taps harder)There is one plane. You must go another place
Me: (assumes I have to go somewhere else to pay or pick up the ticket)No problem, where?
CAAC Lady: Urumuqi.
Urumuqi is in the middle of nowhere, about as far north of Chengdu as Hong Kong is south-east. Think Berlin to
Moscow via Madrid.
Me:
Me:
Me: Urumuqi
CAAC Lady: Yes
Me: I can go to Hong Kong, but I have to go via Urumuqi?
CAAC Lady: (happy to see monkey acheive enlightenment) Yes
Me: (walks over to map and traces a large V-shape)
CAAC Lady: Yes
Me: Not (traces a direct line between two points)
CAAC Lady: No
Me: I have to go to Urumuqi
CAAC Lady: Yes
Me: There are no direct flights?
CAAC Lady: No
Me: Why not?
CAAC Lady: No planes
Me: Could you check
CAAC Lady: No planes
Me: Could you check?
CAAC Lady: (monkey eating bananas again)OK
Me: Thankyou
Now, the next line was delivered with all the politeness and dedication to customer service you can imagine. It was
like British Airways Employee of the Month was helping the CEO book a ticket. Not even a hint that I had in anyway been awkward
or caused any problems, nor that there had ever been any doubt about me getting this ticket.
CAAC Lady: (Taps) Yes, there is one flight tomorrow at 2pm. There are still tickets. Would you like one?
Me: Yes, please
I flew out the next day, and the flight wasn't even full. Rather than get exasperated at events like this, I prefer to
think about all the people who've got Chengdu to Hong Kong the senic route . . .
imperialism
Shanghai, 1999. I've travelled over from my job in Wuxi for a long weekend in the bright lights of Shanghai. Walking along the bund I buy a couple of snacks and lean on the railing to watch the boats go past. After a few minutes a guy, probably early thirties, leans on the railing next to me, close enough for me to know that he's going to start talking to me but not so close he actually knocks my pork-and-rice-in-lotus-leaf into the muddy river.
Sure enough, the conversation starts as they all do . . .
Man: Ah, hello. I did not see you there
Me: Mmmm, grmmm hmmm bmmm
Man: Ah, you are having your dinner.
Me: Ymmm, mm hmm
Man: Do you like Chinese food
Me, swallowing: Yes, thanks
Man: Are you a tourist in China?
Me: No, I'm working here
Man: Oh, a businessman?
Me: No, I teach English
Man(disappointed with a second-class foreigner: Oh, a teacher, very good. Which school?
Me: In Wuxi
Man: Oh, a very beautiful city
This is the standard response when you say you've worked in Wuxi, in much the same way people say 'you look lovely' when
you come home from the hairdressers like a long-haired guinea pig chewing through a high-voltage wire
Man: I would like to offer you a job
Me: I already have a job
Man: Yes, but I would like you to work with me
Me: Thank you very much, but I already have a job
Man: Perhaps my job is better
Me: Thank you, but I'm going to finish my contract at my school and then go home
Man: Perhaps you should think about working for me
Me: That isn't possible
Man: Why not
Me: I already have a job. I don't need another job
Man: But we can run a business together
Me: I'm a teacher, not a business man
Man: That is no problem
Me, changing the subject: What kind of business are you in?
Man: I don't know. I haven't started it yet
Me: You want me to work for you, but you haven't started your business yet?
Man: Yes
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
I didn't say anything for a while, as i was a little fed up with this conversation and my pork-and-rice-in-lotus-leaf was getting
cold.
Man: Would you like to work for me?
Me: I don't think so, no
He then wandered off, leaving me in peace. About 10 minutes later he came back, leaned on the railing as he had before and
delivered the rudest line I've ever been on the recieving end of in China, at least in words I understood.
Man: You are a stupid British Imperialist
Me: Oh. Ok
Man: Goodbye
Me: Goodbye