If you are living in a place with access to international cable channels, you'll get loads of stuff that needs no introduction. Therefore, I won't introduce it. However, I will tell you about . . .
Chinese TV
Well, it's interesting. I wouldn't say it's good, but it's interesting. Sort of. There are only a limited number of types of programs, so I'll be able to cover them all here.
The Historical Drama
Set x hundred of years ago, featuring lots of people in strange hair and clothes battling other people in strange hair and clothes with a mixture of kung fu and magic. Generally incomprehensible, as the language tends to be a bit more classical and there's absolutely no logic to the entire thing. Betrayals, backstabbings and long-lost emperors combine to make the plot of any American daytime soap look dull. Sample dialogue:
A: Honourable Wang, our men are surrounded. We must give them the Jade Locket of Invincibility.
B: Fear not, the emperors troops, headed by my hitherto unmentioned twin brother Big Two Snakes, are coming to assist us.
A: That's ok then. Lets fly about on wires til they get here.
The Revolutionary Drama
Brave peasants, workers and soldiers battle either the Japanese or the Nationalists, and win. There's a lot of similarity with the Historical Dramas, but the costumes have changed and the magic has been replaced with revolvers and rifles. These are easier to follow, as the good guys and bad guys are a bit more distinguishable - anyone wearing a western suit is either a Japanese official overseeing the occupation, a Nationalist, or a collaborator. They will all meet sticky ends. Sample dialogue:
A: Comrade Wang, our men are surrounded. We must give the enemy the location of our arms cache.
B: Fear not, reinforcements, headed by my hitherto unmentioned twin brother Big Aspire Freedom, are coming to assist us.
A: That's ok then. Lets run about firing toy guns til they get here.
The Soap Opera
Usually featuring young upwardly mobile young Chinese, these are perhaps more similar to mini-dramas, in that they don't run for very long, but are shown intensively for a few weeks and then disappear. The reason they disappear is that the pace of events is entirely unsustainable. I watched one 90 minute show last week, and it featured a marriage proposal, a rejection, another marriage proposal, an acceptance, a wedding, a secret house-purchasing (I won't go into it) an unplanned pregnancy, an abortion, a divorce, a marriage proposal and a wedding. This all happened to one couple.
These shows are also used by the government to spread acceptable thinking - there have been a few shows recently focussing on laid-off workers and factory managers amicably settling disputes, which China could certainly do with more of, and the first show featuring an HIV+ character is in the offing, if not on the screens. Sample Dialogue:
A: Vice Presidentess Wang, our company is surrounded. We must give them our stock options.
B:
Fear not, my hitherto unmentioned twin sister Big White Collar is coming back from America with 800,000Y she made in
some unfeasible business deal.
A: That's ok then. Lets run around drinking coffee in upmarket hotels and having conversations about our respective
spouses next to expensive cars till she gets here.
The Extravaganzas
Particularly popular around Spring Festival and National Day, these feature lots of people singing about how wonderful China is. Sample Dialogue:
A: Co-hostess Wang, our stage is surrounded by happy workers and ethnic minorities. We must give them some form of
entertainment to reward them for their hard work and undying loyalty to the People's Republic of China.
B: Fear not, my hitherto unmentioned twin sister Big Talent Scout is on her way with 30 Chinese 7-year-olds dressed as
ducks and a 50-year-old singer in full military uniform.
A: That's ok then, lets sing about the army till they get here.
Hey, laowai
There's a small, none-too-select group of foreigners who occasionally feature in these shows. They generally don't come off too
well and are usually corrupting or disruptive influences on the lives of the Chinese characters. One drama I saw recently had
a foreigner playing an American pilot during the Anti-Japanese War mouthing off about how much better America is than China, how
Chinese people can't fly planes, then proceeding to get drunk in charge of an aircraft and having to be rescued by the valiant
Chinese co-pilot.
Another soap opera show had another foreigner playing an American trying to buy the favours of his hotel maid.
She quickly cut off his increasingly attractive financial offers (I'd have been tempted) with the line 'You can't bargain for
the virtue of a Chinese woman' in flawless English. I may be underestimating the average Chinese maid, but my money says
there's not many of them could do that.
A slighly more flattering role was that of a German PhD student in Beijng who had a brief romance with the heroine of a soap opera - he just came across as sweet and gormless, and asked the heroine to go to Berlin and marry him as it would 'complete his study of Chinese culture'.
The other time you'll see foreigners on TV is during the extravaganzas. A guaranteed crowd-pleaser is to go to the nearest University's Chinese Language department and round up any foreign students who are desperate for a bit of fame, put them on stage and get them to recite Chinese tongue-twisters and sing Chinese songs. I was once asked to participate in one of these, and asked what form of payment was on offer. There was a brief conference at the other end of the line, and the answer came back 'A present'. Personally, I don't fancy making a fool of myself on national TV (and it's a big nation) for a CCTV mousemat and baseball cap, but if you want to take these kind of opportunities, they're not too hard to find.
The undisputed champion of Foreigners On Chinese TV is undoubtedly Dashan, a Canadian man who speaks flawless Chinese. This guy is at least good at what he does. If you are Canadian, taxi drivers will give you a double-thumbs up (which hopefully won't result in them slamming into a bus) and say 'Dashan, Dashan' when you own up to your nationality (or more likely when they see the ubiquitous patch on your backpack.) Everyone else will hear his name when they manage to form a coherent Chinese sentence and they get told their Chinese is better than Dashan. Hint - it ain't, but keep trying.
TV in English
There's not a great deal and what there is ain't great. CCTV4 has news programmes in English followed by documentaries - both of which are very much China-oriented. CCTV9 is all-English, and carries the aforementioned news and documentaries, along with extravaganzas in English (these are worth watching for the subtitles of the songs). Some of the documentaries can be quite interesting, and the news is actually quite good on issues that China isn't too involved in. However, if you have internet access, get your news from there.
In conclusion
Buy a DVD player.