About to enter into a relationship but we have a huge age gap of 18 years, would that be a problem?

[Kenny同志]

She is 48 and I am 30.

 

I met her in March. She is pretty, affectionate, and extremely considerate and thoughtful, which are qualities I value most in a partner. Both of us feel great when we are together.

 

She has been single for 7 years or so following an unsuccessful marriage. She has a lover, a civil servant in our county, but she is planning to end that relationship as she was hoping to find someone else whom she could spend the rest of her life with.

 

She said that she could not give me a child, which I do not mind as I do not want to have any children at all. She has a 22-year-old daughter who is married and she said whatever decision she made, she would have the support of her daughter.

 

I expect there will be fierce opposition from my parents and relatives, both for the huge age gap and the fact that we will not have any children. But my only concern is, will the age gap prevent us from having a happy marriage? 

 

I am currently working on a project so I may not be able to reply to this thread promptly but I will try to provide any other information (if necessary) as soon as possible.

 

Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation? Or do you know of any man who has dated a woman much older than him? 

 

Please share your views on this and/or your experiences. Much appreciated. 非常非常謝謝.

[Lu]

I know of a man (brother of a sometime friend) who met his wife when he was something like 22 and she was something like 36. They met in a bar and initially both lied about their age (he up, she down), and when they continued to date they both adjusted it in several 'well, actually...' conversations. (This I find the most hilarious part of the story.) She wanted children and had to have them fairly soon. They married, had their children (fairly soon) and were still together by the time the friend told this story, years later. This is, of course, just one data point.

 

will the age gap prevent us from having a happy marriage?

By itself, no. Relationships can fail or succeed no matter how old the participants. In your situation, the children issue is a very big factor, but if you don't want any that is resolved. (Your parents might want grandchildren, but they're not the ones dating the lady.)

 

What you may need to keep in mind is that people of different ages can have different things they want in their daily life. A 22-year-old may want to go out a lot, backpack around the world and change career paths a few times, while a 40-year-old wants to have a fancy dinner with a few choice friends, stay in hotels and save up for retirement. With the result that the 22-year-old finds the 40-year-old boring and the 40-year-old finds the 22-year-old irresponsible, even though both are doing perfectly right. While you two are at a different age gap, you might also have different ideas on what makes a pleasant life, so I think it can be important to make sure these are aligned.

 

My advice would be to enjoy your time together & take it slow. If this is to last the rest of your lives, there's no need to rush anything. So get to know each other in good times and bad, at some point start the battle with parents and society in general, and get married once you both feel assured that together you can make it work well.

 

And last but not least, congratulations on meeting someone special! I hope you two can continue to make each other feel great and that you'll live happily ever after.

[Shelley]

I agree with what Lu says, but I would be a little bit more wary than perhaps Lu seems to suggest. Not because of the age gap but because of the fact there has been one unsuccessful marriage and now a lover she is willing to drop to be with someone "long term". Why was it unsuccessful and why is the lover just a dalliance?

 

I would worry I would be just one more on the list. However that said it could be the best thing to happen to you so don't give up. Take it real slow, live together before marriage, something I would always recommend in case there is a "squeeze the toothpaste from the top" situation. Remember it can be the small stuff that really irritates and makes life together difficult.

 

I seem to remember (perhaps incorrectly, I can't find the relevant post) that you were planning on studying next year, would this change? I think that would be a shame.

 

Enjoy what you have and don't rush. I hope it works out.

 

 

 

 

 

[Kenny同志]

Many thanks for sharing your thoughts, Lu and Shelly. Really appreciate it. 

 

I will get back to you on this when I am done with the project. : )

[anonymoose]

If I were you, I'd go for her daughter, but seriously, only you can answer this question. Well, actually, no you can't, but only you can decide whether you want to take the risk.

[Flickserve]

If I were you, I'd go for her daughter, but seriously, only you can answer this question. Well, actually, no you can't, but only you can decide whether you want to take the risk.

Daughter is already married....Risky Business...

[Angelina]

When you are making a decision, you can't predict what is going to happen. The fact that other people are happy/unhappy because/despite a big age difference does not mean you are going to experience the same. You can learn from the experience of others, but don't expect validation. There is no recipe for happiness. 

 

If the two of you are happy together, why not? 

 

She mentioned that she has a lover. If you agree to be with her she is going to end what she already has with him. You should be careful if you are thinking about making such a big decision. This is a big responsibility, it is about her, her child, your family. 

 

Can you describe what Chinese parenting is like? How do your parents feel about you deciding not to have any children? Also, if you start a relationship with this woman, you are going to be the father to her daughter, yes, she is not living with her mother, but her mother is still responsible for the girl. Are you ready for it? 

 

There is trauma, there is healing. You just have to be aware of what you are doing and live with your choices. In the end of the day, it is your life. 

 

Oh, and how is monogamy seen in Chinese culture? I don't know that much about Chinese culture.

[Angelina]

Plus

 

since her daughter is married, you might get to be a young grandpa 三十而立 haha

think about this 

[abcdefg]

Even though the difference between 48 and 30 may not seem so large to you now, remember that she will be 60 when you are only 42. Try to think through that scenario in your mind. Try to visualize how it will feel if someone mistakes her for your mother some years down the road.

 

I have lots of serious doubts about this situation, even without any age gap. Have you been dating 7 or 8 months, knowing all that time that she has another lover? That must have been difficult. Or if you just now found out, that must have been difficult too.

 

The opinion of one's relatives is so important in China. Will your parents give their blessing, even if it means renouncing all hope of grandchildren? Your parents may hate her for what they perceive as ruining your life and shattering their dreams.

 

Are her parents still in the picture? Will they look kindly on you?

[imron]

Kenny,

 

I think this is a bad idea and you're being played.

 

The age gap is one thing to be concerned about.  I'll give three examples from situations I know of personally.

 

The first is related to what abcdefg said about the age gap being a bigger problem down the line.  My parents (happily married for 40 years) have a 10 year age gap.  It's never something that was an issue but when my Dad reached his 70's (he's now in his 80's) the difference in energy levels and outlook became noticeable different from my Mum.  They were going in different gears and it was the cause of some conflict.  With the two of you, this lady will be elderly while you will still be middle aged.  That in itself is not a dealbreaker, but it's definitely worth considering.  Have you thought about when you are 50 and she is 70?  When you are 60 and she is 80? When you are 70 and she is maybe no longer around?

 

Next, I have a 师兄.  In his 50's he married someone 20 years his junior.  They get on great, and are still madly in love 10 years later.  Their relationship has been wonderful for my 师兄 and it's like he's 20 years younger.  That being said, his son from his first marriage did not take it well.  He went a few years without speaking to his Dad and his new wife.  They have made up now, but the son's relationship with his new step-mother is cordial at best.  Although your friend tells you her daughter will be fine with her decision, you might find out that she is less fine with it than the Mum says.  Of course the Mum says her daughter will be fine with it, because from the Mum's point of view, she's been making decisions on behalf of the daughter for most of the daughter's life.  She doesn't know of a world in which the daughter doesn't really listen to her and while you may find that the daughter supports her Mum, that doesn't mean she will like and get along with you and that it won't put a strain on your relationship.  Again, this is not a dealbreaker, but definitely worth considering.

 

Finally I have the example of my Grandfather.  When he was in his 80's, he married someone in her 60's.  They had a wonderful 10 years together before my Grandfather passed away.  We all got on with very well with his wife, and kept in regular contact with her until she also passed away some 20 years later.  She missed him everyday of those 20 years.  Luckily she had children and grandchildren from her first marriage, and also us to keep her company.

 

Now imagine the two of you enter a relationship and live happily ever after until the end of your days.  In all likelihood this will be until the end of her days because in all likelihood you will still have plenty of days left.  Let's bless her with a long life - say sometime in her 90's.  Have you considered what will happen then when you are 70 and have no other family of your own for support?  I know you mention you don't want children anyway, but how much of that is because you don't want children and how much of that is because you want to justify this relationship?  For example, would you be willing to have children if this lady was 28 and was saying she wanted to get married and have children with you?

 

In any case, this is also not necessarily a dealbreaker, but it is definitely something important to consider.

 

All of the above points have positives as well as negatives and none of them are dealbreakers per se.  I'm also sure that out of all the above cases, the people involved would do the same thing if given the choice over again.

 

So none of them are a definite reason why you should not get involved with this woman.  The actual reason why is this:

 

She's still in a relationship with someone else.

 

That's really all there is to it.

 

Don't get involved with someone who is in another relationship regardless of how much that person professes they will break up with the other person for you.

 

If she wants to break up with that person she should break up with that person.  Would your potential partner still break up with this person if you weren't going to be in a relationship with her?  Maybe, maybe not, but if she's prepared to break up with him to be with you, you may find that in a few years she'll break up with you to be with someone else.  This is her at 50 making these decisions and it speaks of her character, regardless of how affectionate, and extremely considerate and thoughtful she is with you now.
 

I suspect she's also using her life and relationship experience to downplay this issue to you, and being 20 years her junior, you don't have the life and relationship experience to spot it, I mean look at what you wrote:

 

 

 

She has been single for 7 years or so following an unsuccessful marriage. She has a lover, a civil servant in our county, but she is planning to end that relationship

 

These two sentences contradict each other.  How can she be 'single' if she is planning to 'end that relationship'.  This is classic cognitive dissonance, and the fact that you didn't notice the apparent contradiction should raise a warning bell.

 

This is why I stated at the top that I think you're being played. She might not be doing it intentionally or with thought to harm, she's just looking out for herself so of course she's going to be highlighting positives and downplaying negatives and because of your feelings for her and your lack of relationship experience compared to her, you haven't noticed it.

 

Kenny, I know nothing about the specifics of this situation, but I'd really caution you about getting involved with this woman.  At the very least, I'd speak to her and let her know you've been thinking, and that you don't think you can be in a relationship with anyone who is currently involved with someone else.  Then mention that you would want to wait at least 6 months after she has ended her current relationship before getting involved with her, just to make sure you weren't just a rebound from that relationship.

 

Watch what she says in reply to that and see how she acts.  Does she break up with him?  Is she prepared to wait 6 months for you?  Or does she try to change your mind?  That should at least give you some useful feedback before making a decision.

[Shelley]

She's still in a relationship with someone else.

 

 

Well put imron, that is the point I was trying to make. The whole idea of her being in a relationship with a "lover" and saying she is single. As I said in my post, don't be just the next one in the line till something better comes along.

[li3wei1]

On the other hand, what's the downside? If you don't want children, and we're not talking about marriage and its legal entanglements (is either of you much wealthier than the other?), then the worst that can happen is your heart will be broken. And you know what they say, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. There won't be any children to worry about, her grown up daughter is grown up, your parents won't be any less pleased if the relationship ends than when it begins. There's a chance her current lover is a psycho-stalker, but that's true with any relationship. The worst that can be said is that you'ld be losing time when you could be starting a better relationship, but if you truly don't want children, that's not an issue, you can start the better one whenever it becomes available.

[imron]

The worst that can be said is that you'ld be losing time when you could be starting a better relationship

That's actually a much bigger issue in China, especially in terms of Chinese culture and marriageability.

[Angelina]

The worst that can be said is that you'ld be losing time when you could be starting a better relationship

 

 

​How does a better relationship look like?

 

 

 

 

Don't forget to pay attention to the fact that:

it is not a) your parents are unhappy, her daughter is okay with your relationship (or a potential one); 

it is b) you think your parents might disapprove, she thinks her daughter will be fine with it. 

The problem is not the fact that you need to win the approval of your family, or how to deal with her lover, or the age difference. It is more about how different an attitude the two of you have. It is not up to me to tell you what you need to do. Let's just say that she is acting like the parent of an adult, you- like someone who is approaching adulthood. One of the things about being a grown-up is that you need to make decisions and be responsible. If I tell you what to do, you won't grow up. So, make the decision yourself, but, please, make informed decisions. 

[Shelley]

How does a better relationship look like?

 

 

One that doesn't make you ask for advice about it on a forum for chinese language learning.

 

If you are having to ask these things and you don't feel confident you already know the answers....maybe that's your answer.

 

If you felt a deep love in your heart and soul you wouldn't have to ask.

 

Any hesitation should be raising flags.

[Lu]

That's actually a much bigger issue in China, especially in terms of Chinese culture and marriageability.

Kenny is a man though. If he were a woman it'd be a whole different kettle of fish, but he won't be too old any time soon. As long as he keeps his life in order generally (gainful employment, some savings, a healthy social life) it shouldn't be that big an issue.

 

Despite my first post, I think Imron makes some good points. Either way, take it slow and take your time.

[Shelley]

It has just occurred to me that really the answer might be in your question.

 

but we have a huge age gap of 18 years

 

 

You seem to think it is a HUGE age gap, perhaps it is huge because you think so. It you weren't worried about it you wouldn't have worded it like that.

 

 

[imron]

it shouldn't be that big an issue.

It's not as big of an issue compared to what it would be if he was female, but it is still an issue.

[Angelina]

In case you are thinking about writing a 分手信

http://mp.weixin.qq.com/s?__biz=MzA4MTE2OTUxOQ==&mid=2649707460&idx=1&sn=635d1776ddda014f37009df766f637ae&chksm=8782eec4b0f567d2f0c448e0c13610910ca646b37172f18c0e2aa0333aae71580ab6352f6283&scene=0#wechat_redirect

[HerrPetersen]

My short response: I think the age gap is too big for a serious relationship.