Is it not a custom to thank people when they help you?

[Friday]

I occasionally get E-mails from co-workers, students, and bosses to help with English translations, to write letters, or proofread. This is not related to my work, but since the people come from my workplace, I don't charge money.

 

These tasks sometimes take a lot of my free time, perhaps 4-5 hours or even more, and sometimes are highly technical, such as graduate thesis. What I notice, though, is that after sending back my suggestions, or edits, it is very rare to ever receive any confirmation or any note of thanks.

 

Is thanking people just not a custom in China? Or is this some way to say they don't like my work? Have other foreigners noticed this too?

[Flickserve]

It sounds like you have too much time on your hands.

[Chris Two Times]

This is something I have wondered about from time to time as well.

 

Hanging out with various Chinese love interests in the past, after they would do something for me, and I would thank them, they would scold me. I took it that the idea was the opposite as in the West; my take was that as the relationship deepened, I SHOULDN'T thank that person as it implied distance in the relationship (?). It's something that two people who don't know each other so well would do in a more formal, distant relationship? I grappled with this, as again, I'm not really sure. Of course, in the West as I got deeper into a relationship with someone, it became MORE important that I thank that person, as it would show I appreciate them and am not taking them for granted. I don't know if I have "gotten" this, but it's what my sense of it has been in the past.

 

I would NOT say not thanking people is a custom in China. Chinese do show thanks, how they show thanks is what may differ, but if you are getting NOTHING whatsoever from them after granting favors, then I would seriously reconsider granting any future favors, especially since these seem to be not small ones either.

 

I also work closely with many Chinese colleagues and I often do favors for them. They are more familiar with Western mores; however, they still may not directly say "thank you" with explicit words after I grant them favors and at first I may not hear anything from them. Nonetheless, this doesn't bother me, as they mostly "thank" me in some way in the long run, for instance, inviting me out for meals, bringing me back trinkets and snacks from business trips, offering me things if I am ever in need (I find these offers are sincere, I would feel comfortable in asking them for books), and just "talking me up" to their colleagues and being liberal with praises and compliments of me and my work--I find that this last one is an indirect Chinese way of thanking.

 

So...in my case, if I don't get a direct "thank you", I don't sweat it so much, as I mostly get one of the aforementioned from my colleagues. But if I were to regularly grant favors and would receive NOTHING of any kind in return, then I would put the kibosh on granting favors right quick. Getting nothing whatsoever in return is a bad "p-ss take" (to steal the Britishism) and it would rankle. I find that while the Chinese may not directly say "thank you" as we would in the West, sincere Chinese are good at showing their thanks in more subtle ways. If eventually, nothing whatsoever would come to me after I granted favors, then personally, I would feel slighted and would not grant any more favors.

 

Friday, do you ever ask your colleagues for favors...and do they grant them to you? The answers to these questions are very telling.

 

Warm regards,

Chris Two TImes 

Edited April 9, 2016 at 04:04 PM by Chris Two Times

[Friday]

Now that I think about it, yeah, they did give gifts. I just never made the connection that it was meant to pay thanks, because of the long span of time and the size of the gift. I never thought a ￥2 food item brought from their hometown meant anything more than "Try the local food" which is exactly what it would mean if I brought in some from home.

 

It is quite rare for me to ask favors of them. If I do, I'll usually wait immediately after I just helped them, then just request some information, such as help in finding some item. Not to buy, just to tell me where to buy. But my requests are always met with "I don't know" and a rapid change in conversation. I think they don't recognize my request for information as a way to ask for payment for a bunch of free work.

[Lu]

I think if people don't acknowledge your hard work and don't help you when you ask them for help, you should reconsider spending so much time on helping them. It sounds like people are taking you for granted. I'll happily spend half an hour or an hour on something for an acquaintance or guanxi, but 4-5 hours I would usually only spend for either a very good friend, close family, or a partner. I wouldn't spend that much time for a colleague. Unless of course all this is part of your work, or you have so little to do during your work hours that you can do all this during work. You can just tell them that unfortunately you don't have time for editing/translating/reading this thing.

[陳德聰]

Yeah I have started telling my boyfriend he can't pimp out my translation and editing skills to all his friends anymore unless they are the people who understand its value. I'd at the very least expect a 辛苦你啦 in your case... It just sounds like they don't realize you're not a pocket dictionary.

[Zbigniew]

It sounds like you're helping out a bunch of unworthy people to me. People are generally willing to pay for this kind of help (read "service"). I'd suggest you formulate a pricing structure right now and present a summary of it to the next person who asks you to spend half your weekend working for nothing while they're out having fun. You'll find your workload decreases significantly whilst your income may get a small boost.

I don't think thankyous are more alien to Chinese than western cultures; I just think they're alien to people who haven't got much culture.

[victor557]

@Friday, be careful that they are not simply take advantaging of you. there are some types of people who may laugh at you behind your back for doing this stuff for free whilst getting as much out of you while they can. as for the students, they may just simply just think it's part of your job and therefore not appreciate it - "the teacher is getting paid to do their job, why should i thank them for it?", in which case they are in need of some education.

as a point of reference, i used to do extra stuff translations and proof-reading for a university. in almost every case, i was financially compensated for my time and thanked as well. for that type of work, you should get, at the absolute minimum, 100RMB for each hour of your time (and you'd be doing them a favour at that rate).

[abcdefg]

I had the experience that the Original Poster describes a couple times early on. But if I feel I'm being exploited or those I'm helping are ungrateful, I stop in my tracks, even before the requested project is finished.

 

Just isn't worth it to carry around the anger and resentment that would result if I continued, cross-cultural considerations be damned. 

[vellocet]

I don't feel special when people bring something "from the hometown" for me.  There are shops 特色产品 filled with nothing but inexpensive gifts of 10-20 yuan each.  It's more an obligation to coworkers than it is anything else. 

 

I know my own habit of thanking people and being polite was hammered into my skull as a child by my parents.  If I hadn't had that growing up, I probably wouldn't think too much of thanking people who helped me.  I'd probably just think "suckers" to myself and move on.

[abcdefg]

For a transaction to work, for it to be satisfying and sustainable, there needs to be something in it for me as well as something in it for you.

 

In the Original Poster's example, he gives but gets nothing meaningful in return. That might be OK if he is a missionary who believes he will reap his reward in afterlife. Otherwise it will rankle.

[Flickserve]

For me, small requests are fine. I don't mind those. But if I had to sit down for an hour to 'write' somebody's letter, well, if it is for work, then I need to do it on work time. Which means my other work duties need to come first.

If it is a graduate thesis, that's definitely too much. I would say that uses up too much of my free time when I am supposed to be having Chinese lessons on skype with my long term tutor, girlfriend/boyfriend, designing my webpage, cooking lessons etc. "I can't because...."

[Chris Two Times]

For a transaction to work, for it to be satisfying and sustainable, there needs to be something in it for me as well as something in it for you.

 

I agree with abcdefg, I don't do things for people on a lark and I don't do them "free of charge", regardless of whether they are for work colleagues or not.

 

Funny, just yesterday at this Beijing university where I am based, a foreign graduate student whose first language is not English friended me on wechat. The message he wrote me basically read, "thanks for being my friend. I have a paper that was accepted at a conference and I need you to review it grammatically if you have time."

 

I told the graduate student: "sorry, I don't have time".

 

I admit, for better or for worse, I do get into the favor-playing game, but firstly, I quickly size up the culprit and ask myself the following questions:

 

1) Is this person (un)likely to return the favor if/when I call upon them?

2) Does this person even have anything whatsoever to give me that may even remotely be of interest/worth to me?

 

Sometimes Chinese are pushy with asking for favors, but I have found that generally the words 不方便 can be a good conversation stopper.

 

Actually, I learned a lot from quotes from The Godfather and I keep them in mind in my daily life (no, really!). One that guides me in the favor-granting game is "someday, and that day may never come, I'll call on you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day". If I call on someone to return the favor and they don't, I am ready with another quote from that same scene: "what have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully".

 

To continue with this Godfather motif, someone has yet to "make me an offer I can't refuse".

 

I don't feel special when people bring something "from the hometown" for me.  There are shops 特色产品 filled with nothing but inexpensive gifts of 10-20 yuan each.  It's more an obligation to coworkers than it is anything else. 

 

I have to agree with vellocet on this one. I feel the same way. 

 

Warm regards,

Chris Two Times the 教父

Edited April 9, 2016 at 04:08 PM by Chris Two Times

[889]

I find Chinese friends thanking me, but doing so in a way that says they're only doing it because I'm a Westerner and they know I expect it.