Chinese girlfriends don't share the living expenses. Is it true?

[Imbuter2000]

Hi Chinese friends  

 

I am a male and I live in Italy.  About 2 monthes ago a Chinese girl arrived to Italy and I hosted her for free two days via couchsurfing.com, like I did for many other girls and boys before.

But this girl was very special and the second day we fell in love for each other, so I offered to host her, living together at my home.

 

After 1-2 months of living together in my home, during which I payed for almost everything in/for the home and outside, I decided that the time was mature for starting to share equally the expenses, if we want a future together.

I told her that I think that would be fair to share equally the expenses for the future and then I made and showed an analytical review of the expenses to her, asking 50%.

 

After this request, she felt and acted like if I offended her and every odd day she starts a confrontation explaining to me that the Chinese culture wants the man to pay all the dating expenses and everything, sharing the houseworks and no matter if both -like us- have a job.

 

She told me that she will never marry me because of that.

 

I'm very surprised.

 

Is it a normal thing in China that males pay all and females keep all the earnings?  
maybe females earn different money for the same job/effort?

I can't understand this unequal cultural rule, if it's true.

 

Is it true?

 

 

[roddy]

1) No. The 700 million women of China do not speak with one voice on this. 

2) You're falling into the 'Chinese culture says...' trap. Point out you're not Chinese, you're not in China, and if she wants a Chinese boyfriend she can go find one. 

 

If you're earning 10 times more than her, maybe she has a point. But from what you've said, I'd send her back to the couch. 

[abcdefg]

But this girl was very special and the second day we fell in love for each other, so I offered to host her, living together at my home.

 

With a beginning like that, all bets are off. Makes no difference what is normal or typical in China. This whole situation sounds like something from a daytime TV show.

[HerrPetersen]

I heard of cases where all costs were divided equally in Chinese-non-Chinese relationships. Problems sometimes occur during the wedding procedures. (Buying jewlery for the bride etc.)

 

In your case I would do as roddy recommended. Tell her you are not Chinese and see if she is willing to compromise/accept your point of view.

[889]

" . . . and then I made and showed an analytical review of the expenses to her, asking 50%."

 

Of course I don't know what really happened, but there's a strong hint there that your approach was off. Instead of spending your time preparing a spreadsheet to show her how you calculated her fair share down to the last lira, you should have spent your time thinking about how to present this in a way that would persuade her to help out some way with the expenses. Warm her up slowly to the idea, drop hints and test her reaction, modify your approach according to her reaction, etc.Introducing this in one "we have to talk" session was just a bad idea.

 

Further, among friends in China, being too calculating about money -- in the sense of pulling out a calculator and figuring out everyone's precise share -- is really bad behaviour. Frankly, that "analytical review" did not make you look good. If you want her to contribute, then you need to talk in general terms about her contribution and how she can help, and not start with a 50-50 line down the table. From your perspective, that seemed fair. From her perspective, it looked like you were treating this as a business deal.

[Lu]

As Roddy said, not all Chinese women are the same. Customs vary between regions, cities, family background and of course individual women.

 

That said, generally when dating in China, men are expected to pay for the dating expenses: dinner, movie, other outings, occasional gifts. Women can in turn be expected to buy the occasional gift.

 

But living together is not a dating expense. If you have a lot more money, it's only reasonable that you pay a bigger share (or the entire share), but assuming that is not the case, your problem is not a cultural problem but a personal problem.

 

It's interesting that she's already talking about marriage. No matter how much you love each other, I'd wait a good while before considering marriage. At least until the two of you have resolved this issue, and a few more that may come up in the future.

 

Good luck!

[Demonic_Duck]

A few things jump out:

- As Roddy said, not all Chinese women are the same when it comes to finances. If she says they are, she's wrong (though as a generalization, it's true that Chinese people are more prone to making generalizations than westerners).

- As 889 said, being too analytical is counterproductive. If you want her to contribute, suggest more generally that she pays for a few of the everyday expenses.

- You started off by paying for her living expenses, which is unfortunate, because that makes it the "default" between you two.

- Going couchsurfing and then sleeping with your host goes against virtually every tenet of "traditional" Chinese romance ("romance", as an imported word in Chinese, is probably the wrong word choice here; but "dating" is also wrong, because traditionally you wouldn't date at all, you'd get married to the person your parents picked out for you). Her using traditional Chinese views of relationships to get you to pay for everything is at best hypocritical, at worst willfully dishonest.

All of this makes me think she's probably taking you for a ride.

FWIW, my girlfriend is Chinese, and typically whoever gets their wallet out first pays for meals and everyday expenses (probably about 70% of the time that's me, which I view as fair because I make a little more money than her). Larger things we tend to split, but the key point here is that we never quibble about exact amounts or specifics.

[ZhangKaiRong]

My GF is Chinese, and we share the expenses (mostly). She contributes to half of our apartment rental fees, electricity, etc. She pays her own phone bill and other expenses. When we go to grocery shopping, most of the times I pay, but there are days when she pays, so it's random. When going out, I pay for dinners or drinks mostly, but that's OK, I would pay for these even if my GF is not Chinese.

 

I think the best would be to talk to her clearly that you don't like this attitude of hers, and the earlier the merrier you tell her this... 

[Alex_Hart]

Would back up everything said so far - my girlfriend is also Chinese and she probably pays for a little bit more than I do while we're out (and I cook almost all meals we eat in the home). Groceries are also usually split evenly, as are household chores other than cooking. 

[vellocet]

You showed her a spreadsheet?  Man, you don't know how to deal with women.  That's not the way to do it.  

[Demonic_Duck]

Yeah, should at least have made it into a PPT with nice slide animations and sound effects.

[Flickserve]

PowerPoint sounds good.

It looks like she isn't earning anything at the moment since she is spending all her time with you in a foreign country and couch surfing her trips. How do you expect her to pay for expenses and trips? Are you trying to force her into poverty?

Isn't the time she spends with you (and the other stuff) a trade off on the expense you put out on her?

At least she is honest enough about not marrying...

The others who have given their experience of the girl contributing to expenses have failed to mention if their girlfriends are working.

As Lu said, if you have considerably more money, it is fair for you to take more share of the finances.

[Lu]

Isn't the time she spends with you (and the other stuff) a trade off on the expense you put out on her?

Generally the trade-off in romantic relationships is that both take pleasure in each other's company, not one paying the other for the pleasure of their company ('and the other stuff'). This woman is not a prostitute or a courtesan. She's his girlfriend.

[Flickserve]

Generally the trade-off in romantic relationships is that both take pleasure in each other's company, not one paying the other for the pleasure of their company ('and the other stuff').

There are trade offs (benefits vs risks, advantages vs disadvantages) in any relationship. Not just 'romantic' ones.

You can even put a monetary value on quality of life. Well established concept in economics.

Let's put it this way, if this girl can't keep up the finances, this relationship will end despite 'the pleasure of each other's company'.

[Chris Two Times]

Imbuter2000,

 

How has it been?

 

Chris Two Times

[歐博思]

 

All of this makes me think she's probably taking you for a ride.

 

Yep. Better luck with the next girl