Relations between boys and girls

[Peeter]

When I asked a former English teacher in Shenzhen about schools and the Chinese society, he answered:

In terms of the culture of the students - I found that the boys and girls tended to interact a lot less than they do in U.S. high schools. I am not sure what it's like in Estonia, but in Shenzhen, the lower grades in high school tended to be very socially segregated, mainly by choice.

In Estonia, the boys and girls interact quite a lot, usually from the later classes of middle school (8-th and 9-th grade).

This sounds not so good. I had hoped that there's relatively much interaction, seeing as Shenzhen is a very modern city. I mean, I believe about 80% of my friends are female. What can I say, I love girls.

I saw something similar in Nepal: very nice people, but there were always strictly gangs of boys/men and of girls/women, I think I only saw them together when a family passed by!

So, are Chinese girls very shy when talking to boys? Would people look at me differently if I interacted with girls more than boys?

Very vague questions indeed, but I'm happy with any thoughts/implications on the matter.

[rootfool]

So, are Chinese girls very shy when talking to boys?

At least they are shier than girls in Western country.

I think there two reasons here.The first one: "woman should be demure" is a tradition in china.That's why girls in country is more shier than in modern city.Second:Puppy love is baryly permited in china.If girls and boys touched each other frequently in school(except university),teacher will think they fall in love.How ridiculous!So girls have little chance to interact with boys.It may cause they don't know how to get along with the other side.

Would people look at me differently if I interacted with girls more than boys?

Unfortunately,the anwser is YES.Don't mind,do what you fell like!:mrgreen:

[simonlaing]

Rootfool's reason's are mostly correct I think

Two other factors you can add to the argument.

Is that ones girls are more likely to major in foreign languages such as english bec/ in chinese traditions english is a girl subject and Math is a boys subject. Also in Shenzhen you have many immigrants from around China who have come there to move up in the world fast, learn English etc. In addition is one of the place where Hong Kong men are rumoured to sometimes keep their second wives or mistresses.

Also (with exceptions in some big cities) Chinese guys generally don't get out much , save for basketball and the odd badminton match most of their socializing comes in the online computer games. Though some do drink and party a little it is usually with friends they already know.

Most 20 somethings meet their wives and husbands through introductions, or from work and class. Some of this is due to the inter gender communication issues perhaps.

Good luck,

have fun,

SimoN:)

[adrianlondon]

Here's a recent article which confirms what's been said above

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6899437.stm

To quote the pertinent bits :

China is changing the way it runs compulsory dance classes, introduced to tackle child obesity, because parents fear their children may fall in love.

Sports officials say they will now encourage students to dance in large groups or by themselves.

Some parents had expressed fears that if boys and girls danced hand in hand they might fall in love and put their studies at risk.

"Four students will be grouped together to perform the waltz and they will change partners regularly as soon as one song finishes. This way, the risk of young love will be lowered."

You gotta laugh.

[roddy]

You may, if you are very patient and lucky, get to hold hands.

If you want to do some dating, do it away from your school. Nightclubs, bars, cafes, whatever. Trust me, it'll be less complicated and more . . .fruitful.

[gougou]

Four students will be grouped together to perform the waltz and they will change partners regularly as soon as one song finishes.

Don't let them fall in love, teach them promiscuity. Way to go!

[johnd]

I fell in love at school during Scottish Country Dancing lessons. Only problem was she didn't notice me.

[roddy]

Nice thing about Scottish Country Dancing though, is that there's always another girl to fall in love with along in a minute. Assuming the last one didn't wrench your arm out of its socket along with your heart.

[MartinF]

wow, great subject. I was talking to a Chinese friend about this recently to try to understand a bit more about chinese society. I also saw the dancing article on the BBC. I found it hilarious and a little ridiculous.

It seems like any kind of interaction between sexes at school and even university is discouraged in China, sometimes with serious penalties for violations. It is often supposedly designed to keep students focused on their studies. But I think it is also designed to try to protect girls' reputations also. From what I hear.

I was going out with a girl at a Chinese university in June. It was funny and a little bit annoying the lengths she would go to keep me secret. Often, we had to walk around seperately. Sometimes we would go places 5 minutes apart. She seemed paranoid to me and I found it insulting, like I wasn't acceptable. But now I understand a little bit more about Chinese society I have realised how much she risked by seeing me at all.

Also, when I was a kid at school in England, I remember having girlfriends and being romantically involved as early as 7 years old. Nobody tried to stop me or tell me it was wrong. In fact, I think it was encouraged somewhat. How different the societies are.

Yes, and I loved country dancing too

Martin

[simonlaing]

One story on dance halls I have to tell you about.

In 2001, I was teaching in a high school in the suburb of Suzhou. (at that time hardly built up as much as it is now, with have a dozen skeleton skyscrapers that had run out of money or buyers. (After I moved to nanjing I didn't find these)

I with some of the chinese english teacher would go after school to these ballroom dance halls. There we did the slow 3 step (slow easy waltz) 4 step and Cha cha. In several of the songs there were people who did a line dance on one side of the floor.

It was generally easy to pick up the steps , only a couple of people would dance the fast waltz.

Boys would go up to a girl seat in alcove sofas and extend his hand to ask her to dance. Sometimes the girl accepted immediately, but often she made the boy wait a minute or so to test his nerve to still hold out his hand. After every song people would scurry off the dance floor, and wait for the next song to start.

The best time though was when they had dancing in the dark. at this time they would turn the lights down almost all the way. boys would use lighters to go check the pretty girls and them ask them to dance. On the dance floor you could dance real close as no one was looking. Also there was a fair amount of feeling , "wedding singer" style. Because you couldn't really see more than 3 feet it was so dark people usually found a space and hover around it turning slowly, slow dance style. It was risque and cute at the same time. One or two of the teachers were married and made us promise not to tell others of this "dirty dancing". (I must say though even the dancing in the dark was fairly tame compared to some grinding on MTV. )

If some one ever asks you if you want to go dancing in a ballroom and learn the 3 step . Do it, it 's a great learning experience. As I said though these were popular more with the poorer farmers, migrant workers and average people. As places get richer these seem be replaced by western discos or KTV places.

Also next door there was a Roller skating rink and Pool hall where people would often play. The 3 step is also danced sometimes by old or middle aged people on street corners at dusk. (in nanjing this is popular as the street corners are much cooler than the houses at night).

And yes if you're wondering I did try to dance to all the songs at the dance club, including the Dancing in the Dark ones.

Have fun,

Simon:)

P.S. Remember what happens at the dance hall stays at the dance hall.

p.p.s. high school gym dancing would be different, and highschool probably wouldn't be allowed into the hall. (though westerners can usually be exceptions in most situations)

[MartinF]

cool story, Simon.

I like your comparison of slow dancing to MTV style grinding/freaking. That's the normal kind of dancing in LA clubs and Hong Kong too. I had some good times in Hong Kong danceclubs along those lines a couple of months ago. Not so much of that in mainland China where PSA (Public Displays of Affection) are still somewhat rare, except in the teen crowd.

Martin

[simonlaing]

Hey Martin,

Lately I have been noticing much more blatant grinding on the dance floors and some gropage. This is not in the seedy KTV places where you might expect it but regular Dancing discos and even on the street it seems.

There really seems a change from 2-3 years ago that more boundaries can be crossed. I wonder where this will go and if there will be a lash back on regulation or the long term strategy of empowerment of women.

We'll see.

have fun,

Simon:)

[ipsi()]

I've also personally noticed that Public Displays of Affection are quite rare. It's almost definitely traditional, as apparently my girlfriend's grandfather doesn't even approve of us holding hands, let alone getting close. She also got told off by another relative (drunk due to drinking 白酒 by the bottle) for holding hands with me in our house while the family was having dinner... Very strange. And god forbid trying to sneak a kiss or something. That'd likely give them both a heart attack.

In terms of what I actually see on the street, it's mostly holding hands, or the girl trying to pull the boy into a female clothing store or something. Occassionally going to sleep on each other on the bus. Once saw a chick let her hand drift briefly accross her boyfriend's bottom. But that's the extent of it. Never seen the MTV-Style grinding. But then, I don't go to bars, clubs, discos or the like.

[johnd]

I'd agree with ipsi, that's my experience too. What's interesting is that same-sex contact is much more close in China. Girls will walk down the street holding hands, and guys will be wrapped around each other. Of course, this is all just friendly contact. Sometimes at work a colleague will drape himself over me in a friendly fashion, and I'm disparately thinking "woa, personal space man", whilst fighting with myself to accept this cultural norm.

[Lu]

I do see a lot of hugging though. Girl & boy standing somewhere on the street, or sitting in the MRT (here) with their arms around each other, her head against his chest or on his shoulder. And then just stand there, without moving. I don't really see the fun of this, well sure it's fun but not for an extended period of time like they do it. I would either move on to kissing and petting or untangle and chat. But well, I'm not Chinese.

[roddy]

It's also a lot more common in larger, more anonymous, cities such as Beijing I think. Not very rare (fairly, but not very) to see teenagers snogging at bus stops, etc. I think the fact that in Beijing there's not much chance of anyone they know driving past the bus stop emboldens them somewhat. Still rarer enough that you kind of 'notice' it though. But not in a stopping to stare kind of way.

[gougou]

What you see way more often is a guy and a girl walking side by side, the girl suddenly stopping, arms folded, and not budging anymore. The poor guy will then have to think of a thousand sweet things to say before they can continue their way together (or, if he fails, separately).

[cdn_in_bj]

I like your comparison of slow dancing to MTV style grinding/freaking. That's the normal kind of dancing in LA clubs and Hong Kong too.

Is that so? I have some friends who recently moved to HK for work. Maybe it's time I paid them a visit...

[ipsi()]

What's interesting is that same-sex contact is much more close in China.

I've noticed that. It can be a bit disconcerting at times...

Lu - don't see that much either where I am. But maybe I'm just not paying enough attention. See a bit of hugging on the bus, but given how crowded they are, they could have just be strangers pushed too close by the crowds

[MartinF]

I also saw a certain amount of holding hands or hugging amongst the youth in China. Occasional chaste kissing.

I am very affectionate in public because I grew up in England and I suppose that's just my personality. However, my Chinese girlfriend was often telling me I couldn't do this or that in public in China. I found it pretty restrictive and irritiating but I tried to be understanding because it could cause them some loss of reputation. Mainly if somebody who knew her saw us.

The thing I found most amazing was university students being told they couldn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean that's when you can meet potential partners so it seems counter to the whole opportunity and experience to ban one of the most important parts of Uni life.

Martin