Meeting My Shanghainese In-laws and the rest of the family

[XuAshe]

I married to a wonderful Chinese man named Hongjie. He is a native of Shanghai and has been in the United States for almost three years. He has met nearly all of my family and next summer I am traveling with him to China for the first time to meet his friends and family. I am really good-nervous and happy yet at the same time I do have quite a bit of reservations.

~His parents and grandparents don't speak English thus I have to learn at least the most basic level of Mandarin in order to speak with them.

~I am pretty decent at using chopsticks, but what are the etiquette for using them in China?

~I have enough trouble pronouncing my husband's name, what do I do if I can't say his family members names? Make up nicknames?

~What if they can't say my name? Should I have my husband give me a simple Chinese name?

~He has told me his grandparents aren't too thrilled that he is with an American, is there a good way to win them over if possible?

~What can I expect his family to treat me like, as their only American family member?

[Lu]

For starters, read this thread for some useful information.

Some basic Mandarin would be useful: hello, thank you, that tastes great, simple things like that.

As to addressing family members, they are often addressed by their relation to you (older brother, cousin, mother-in-law). You can ask your husband to explain to you who you will meet and how to address them. That way, you can practice in advance.

Actually, it would probably be good to ask your husband as much as possible about what you can expect of this visit and what would be expected of you. After all, he's the most familiar with his family and knows what would work.

[jbradfor]

~I am pretty decent at using chopsticks, but what are the etiquette for using them in China?

Don't point with chopsticks, don't suck on chopsticks (in fact, try to avoid touching your chopsticks with your tongue/mouth), lift up your bowl and use your chopsticks to shovel the rice into your mouth. It's OK to grab food directly from the serving dish with your chopsticks (just don't hunt around for the best piece), and it's OK to slurp noodles in soup.

~What if they can't say my name? Should I have my husband give me a simple Chinese name?

Have him give you a "real" Chinese name, not a simple one. Perhaps this is a good topic for when you are there?

~He has told me his grandparents aren't too thrilled that he is with an American, is there a good way to win them over if possible?

This might get me in serious trouble with people here, but my advice is to step back in time about 100 years. At least for your first visit.

Be demure. Don't be aggressive. Serve your husband food. After dinner, join the woman-folk in the kitchen while the men go to the living room to watch TV.

Also, as much as you can, eat whatever is served to you, no matter how weird, if at all possible.

You can ask your husband to explain to you who you will meet and how to address them. That way, you can practice in advance.

If not done already, have your husband show you pictures of each person you are likely to meet, and practice saying their relationship and title. Seriously. Do this over and over until you get them all correct with a decent accent.

And, if he hasn't already, have him tell you a bit about each person (background, interests, etc) so you have something to talk about (if they speak English).

[Meng Lelan]

Browse Speaking of China for some of your questions especially the one about acceptance as a Western spouse, all kinds of topics here:

http://www.speakingofchina.com/

[xiaocai]

This might get me in serious trouble with people here, but my advice is to step back in time about 100 years. At least for your first visit.

Be demure. Don't be aggressive. Serve your husband food. After dinner, join the woman-folk in the kitchen while the men go to the living room to watch TV.

Also, as much as you can, eat whatever is served to you, no matter how weird, if at all possible.

May not be necessary if she is dating a Shanghai man.

[rezaf]

As to addressing family members, they are often addressed by their relation to you (older brother, cousin, mother-in-law).

Yes you should NEVER call the older generation by their names in China.

Also, as much as you can, eat whatever is served to you, no matter how weird, if at all possible.

They might use their own chopsticks and put some food into your plate. Don't get surprised when they do that as it means that they care about you.

Serve your husband food. After dinner, join the woman-folk in the kitchen while the men go to the living room to watch TV.

Actually in Shanghai men are responsible for the kitchen stuff ;) but since you must show them that you can take care of your husband you should wash the dishes at least. Wait until everyone has finished then bring the dishes to the kitchen. They might try to stop your as you are their guest but don't be fooled, in their heart they expect you to do that. You should help in doing the housework before they tell you. In China there is a clear line between the members of two generations. So respect them as much as you can.

And don't forget to bring gifts for them.(the more expensive the better)

[aristotle1990]

the more expensive the better

Yeah. Best if you get a 500 RMB bottle of wine and "accidentally" forget to remove the price tag.

[Kenny同志]

Quote

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the more expensive the better

Yeah. Best if you get a 500 RMB bottle of wine and "accidentally" forget to remove the price tag.

:blink:

Welll, this is probably true but not everyone is obssessed with vanity.

[rezaf]

Welll, this is probably true but not every one is obssessed with vanity.

You Know China better than me but in my experience expensive gifts are very important in Chinese relationships and can greatly affect the way people judge about you. I'm not saying that it's the only factor but it certainly is more important than in the west and it certainly is a very fast and useful way for her to win some points in her first visit.

[Kenny同志]

You Know China better than me but in my experience expensive gifts are very important in Chinese relationships and can greatly affect the way people judge about you. I'm not saying that it's the only factor but it certainly is more important than in the west and it certainly is a very fast and useful way for her to win some points in her first visit.

I have but to agree with you.

[HedgePig]

While I agree with much of the advice given, I think it's worth saying that despite all the rules mentioned, I think Chinese people are generally quite forgiving towards foreigners. If you are making a sincere effort to try and fit in, people really do appreciate that effort. The odd lapse or mistake or using the wrong form of address is not going to result in instant excommunication, so I wouldn't worry _too_ much about memorising all of the the million and one rules that you've been told about here and elsewhere, or panicking if you forget one.

I've also heard that you shouldn't be entirely surprised if your husband's behaviour changes on returning to China as he reverts to the role expected of him by his family, which may be somewhat different from his everyday behaviour in the US.

I'm sure you'll have interesting (in a good way) and enjoyable time - don't worry too much about the forthcoming trip.

[gato]

Yeah. Best if you get a 500 RMB bottle of wine and "accidentally" forget to remove the price tag.

As a daughter-in-law, I don't think it's prudent to bring any gifts that are too expensive because it could make them think that you are a big spender (i.e. spending your husband's money). ;)

[rezaf]

While I agree with much of the advice given, I think it's worth saying that despite all the rules mentioned, I think Chinese people are generally quite forgiving towards foreigners. If you are making a sincere effort to try and fit in, people really do appreciate that effort. The odd lapse or mistake or using the wrong form of address is not going to result in instant excommunication, so I wouldn't worry _too_ much about memorising all of the the million and one rules that you've been told about here and elsewhere, or panicking if you forget one.

Not necessarily. When I was dating my wife(my girlfriend at that time) more than two years ago, my Chinese was bad and I didn't know much about the Chinese culture. At that time her family was nice to me and they just enjoyed having a 國際友人 around. Now that we are married and my Chinese is better they treat me like everyone else of my generation in the family and they criticize me all the time. Somehow I like it better now because it means that I am part of the family not just some foolish 老外 who doesn't know anything and is used for entertainment.

[Brian US]

Table manners aside, I think the only etiquette for eating is to get the food in your mouth. Doesn't really matter how you do it.

[skylee]

It's 國際 not 國籍.

[rezaf]

corrected the typo

[jbradfor]

Actually in Shanghai men are responsible for the kitchen stuff ;)

Are you sure that's really true and your wife's not just saying that to make you do all the kitchen work? ;)

[rezaf]

It's not just her. Her aunt once seriously explained to me that it's the Chinese custom that the husband should do the cooking and housework but it's really interesting that they have serious problems with the wife of my wife's cousin who doesn't cook at home. When she is not there they always talk behind her back and when I'm not there they talk behind my back although I cook and wash the dishes (but don't do the other stuff). :unsure:

[Lu]

When she is not there they always talk behind her back and when I'm not there they talk behind my back

Looks like you're treated just like one of the family :-p

[anonymoose]

So what do they think of kashk-e-bademjan then?