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Dating in China


newforeigner
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OP, you've already failed by thinking about this too much. Don't get your hopes up. IMO, you should find another woman as soon as possible. It seems like you think this girl is special or something, but there are plenty of other women out there.

QFT!

Have I misread this? Met random girl in supermarket who helped the OP. Got her number but failed to call for whatever reason. Girl now brushing him off by cancelling or some other thing cropping up. Now constantly thinking about her.

This sounds less to do with dating Chinese women, and everything to do with a situation existing in one's own head that has no basis in reality. Let it go, OP. Go with WestTexas and cut your losses because you cannot really gauge a person after 5 minutes.

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OP, it's not like you left her at the altar or something. So what if you run into her again, just say Hi how are you, give her a friendly smile and walk on. As Gato said, she turned you down, she's just not interested. It happens. It happens all the time, actually, to virtually everyone, and it will happen to you again too. You barely know this woman from Eve. Go get to know ten more women, then see who you'd like to date.

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I keep on reading your replies guys and I think there're a lot of good recommendations here. I mean it all makes sense. But what I don't agree with is making generalizations about someone you haven't even met. You're advising OP (who you probably don't know) about someone he met (and doesn't know well while you don't know at all). Things could have gotten lost in translation here. We know nothing about her other than what OP mentioned which wasn't much at all. Come on guys, we don't even know her situation. Maybe she's a factory worker somewhere outside of Shanghai, maybe her grandma, grandpa and cousins died in a car/train accident or maybe there's something else to it or nothing at all? Or maybe she's had a boyfriend for 10 years who passed away and she isn't sure what she really wants just yet. Or maybe she thinks that OP just wants to bang her and leave. Why does everything need to be so crystal clear?

I agree, there're lots of girls around but in my opinion this is a very sad approach. There are a lot, so what? Have everyone lost their hearts or something or am I just still very naive party because of my age? :) So everyone just hangs around and takes whatever is easier, the leftovers? I'm not running after girls like a headless chicken but I do make an effort even when Im in doubt. Why? Because if I don't try I'll never know and one day I may regret it! Life is short and the worst thing that can happen is that your plan with a specific girl will fail. So what? I can think of thousands of worse case scenarios just about now. If a girl fails or doesn't live up to expectations a couple of times I usually give up and move on. But to begin with, I keep distance to any person I meet and don't let myself come too close. Also I set my expectations low so that I don;t suffer if things go wrong or am having the best time of my life if they work out.

All I'm saying is let's not put everyone in the same basket. Everyone of us has a different story. It'd be unfair to generalize. Saying that, what you all recommended might be 100% correct and maybe OP should go with it. Since he's so confused as to what to do though and clearly lacks in experience he should figure it out by himself. I say go for it, make a bit more effort and see how it goes. Ideally, meet up and openly talk about it or take it slow and don't mention it at all. It's that simple to me. She may not want to meet up, talk about it or won't tell you the truth but you really need some of this cause other girls will eat you alive! Get some experience and put everything together in your head so certain decisions you'll need to make in future will be easier to make.

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True, though cancelling dates is more commonly a sign of not being interested rather than testing someone. Given what the OP said, she's just a college student and more than 10 years younger than him. She's probably not as experienced with all those dating games as you think.

Send another text message. See what happens.

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Hmm...I don't think that everytime you meet someone and initially they seem uninterested, you should think, "there are x number of girls on this planet." Haha, I mean, as a girl, I would like to know if someone liked me and would feel flattered if he told me, even if I didn't like him back. If a guy tells me he likes me and I feel the same toward him, I usually decline politely, but am willing to be friends. If she tells you she's uninterested and doesn't contact you again, then you should just let go, but if you tell her, she's uninterested, and you stay friends, then what did you lose? Nothing! You actually earned a peace of mind, knowing how she feels. I don't think it would be creepy to tell her how you feel, but I would suggest you to not tell her that you think about her everyyyyyy day, everrrryyy second. haha, just tell her that you've thought about her since that day she helped you.

Also, in response to your very early post on her flipping her hair, I've heard that girls touch their hair when they're being flirty. I do it a lot, too, but out of habit. I think that you'd know when she was flirting, though. Haha, you can usually just tell.

I think what diste said was true. If you don't try, you'll never know. If all guys were just like, "I don't like being rejected, I'll just find someone else since there's x number of girls who will possibly like me" then I think girls would get impatient and just make the first move. I mean, I would! But yeah, for me, I expect the guy to tell me how he feels first, just because I'm usually shy about it. :) However, when it gets to the point that you can tell each other how you feel, you usually know that it's a mutual feeling, which is why you'd be comfortable telling one another. For your situation, you barely know her, but you've been thinking about her. I don't think you should say that you really like her. I think you just want to get to know her and that you're attracted to her. Why don't you just tell her that? There's nothing weird or creepy about that. Go for it!

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HAHAH, I think he just wanted to know if there's a different way to approach specifically Chinese girls. Personally, I don't think there's much of a difference.

But I don't know, you could be the first foreigner who has been interested in her, so she might be hesitant to meet you again.

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I'm not going to continue to flog this dead horse, so practical advice going forward:

1. Advertise for an activity partner i.e. badminton, squash, etc

2. If learning Chinese, advertise for language partners

3. If working / attending at a school, get involved in social events

Meetup.com would be a recommended choice, if it wasn't blacklisted in China. Instead, find out if your city has a web-forum for expats and/or a general one for residents of that city. Start advertising, replying to adverts and get involved by being pro-active in finding a social circle for yourself. Not only will a social circle enrich your experience in China, you'll also get to meet and be introduced to more people.

Once you've established trust and goodwill, you can mention that you are looking to meet someone, and your social circle may introduce you to their single friends.

It takes time to forge relationships with people, and you have to be prepared to invest the time.

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I can't help it, some of the best fiction stories originate from real life :)

American (?) Professor falls in love with a beautiful Chinese student in (wherever). But can he navigate the culture boundaries that keep them worlds apart?

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