My girlfriend's mother won't give her the Hukou!

[Narokela]

a

[陳德聰]

Have her tell her mother she was wrong and crazy and stupid and you've broken up. Then have her tell her mother that she still wants to go study abroad because of the opportunities or whatever, pick Singapore since Chinese people love Singapore, and then have her get the hukou in order to get her passport to go to "Singapore".

Edit: But in all seriousness... Just steal it. It is definitely somewhere in the house, just wait until the mom isn't home and steal it.

[edelweis]

erm... how old is the daughter exactly?

[edit] because it's kind of different if the daughter is 30 or 16.

Also you make it sound like the girl will depend entirely on you, or at least you don't explain how she will finance the trip, school, and accommodation.

Please don't be offended, but how is the mother to know that you won't sell her daughter to be a prostitute? Try and see it from her point of view. A guy comes and convinces her (only?) daughter to move to a country on the other side of the world...

In any case I would advise you to research ways for the daughter to finance her stay without depending totally on you (scholarships?) and/or find relatives of hers or trusted people in the UK (trusted by her mother...) whom your girlfriend will be able to rely on if anything happens to you.

If you just come and say "oh I'll take care of her" while you are not even married, it's rather logical and normal that the mother is worried. You won't be able to convince her unless you show proof that her daughter will be safe and able to take care of herself in that far away country.

[Xiao Kui]

If you haven't heard this directly from her mom, then maybe your girlfriend  doesn't want to go with you and is making up the excuse that she can't get the hukou. Sorry, i guess I'm just a cynical, suspicious person - I really hope it's not the case!

[Narokela]

I have spoken to her mother and definitely is her, my girlfriend says she feels like leaving them all and teaching them a lesson for not letting her live her own life. They clearly don't understand her, she just wants to do what she thinks is right but she is being restricted. Its definitely not the case of her not wanting to come, she clearly wants to come here and wants to stay alongside myself.

[edelweis]

Oh, you posted while I was editing my answer above, if you care to read it...

[anonymoose]

I don't know why Chen Decong's post got voted down. Frankly, that seems like your best (only?) option.

Some how, though, I feel like taking your girlfriend's mother's side in this.

[Melanie1989]

 

 

I don't know why Chen Decong's post got voted down. Frankly, that seems like your best (only?) option. 

I was one of two who down-voted that post. Stealing and betrayal is not good advice. Does nobody appreciate honesty and respect these days? Telling a Chinese girl to steal and lie to her mother is an absolute no-no. All that will happen is that her mother will be terrified when she realises her daughter has gone, God knows what will happen with either country's authorities, and there's a very high chance that the OP will get into shit and so will the daughter, providing the mother will accept her back into the family after such a huge, selfish and irresponsible thing to do.

 

Edelweis has it spot on, i think.

[edelweis]

yes, I'm the other one who downvoted that post.

Steal the hukou and then what? remain estranged from her family forever? what happens if the OP has an accident and the girlfriend is left all alone without money in a foreign country?

As the OP did not give any of the important details, it is a bit difficult to understand whether the kid is a teenager who doesn't understand that her parents want her to be safe and is unable to negotiate a solution that makes everyone happy - or at least partially happy, or whether the daughter is a grown up woman wrongfully denied of her right to make her life choices...

Note: again edited as I am not sure that "a compromise" means what I think it means in English.

[anonymoose]

Oh, I agree with you. But from a purely utilitarian point of view, I still think it's his most promising option. I mean, if I were the girlfriend's mother, I think I'd be sitting quite tightly on the Hukou too. It's funny how Chinese parents control their kids like that though. OK, I'll stop here. It's difficult to take these threads seriously.

[edelweis]

I see what you mean but I have the opposite problem - I take everything a bit too seriously. It does seem a bit comical and a scenario for one of those teenage drama series. But there are real people on the other side of that internet connection...

Anyway I guess the OP will never give satisfactory explanations so I'm out of here too.

[renzhe]

It very much depends on the girl's age.

If she's thinking about applying to the University in the near future, she could be 16 or 17, and then yeah, maybe she's not emotionally ready to run away with somebody to the other side of the planet with no financial plans. I'd completely understand the parent.

On the other hand, if she's, say, 25, then she has every right to make her own decisions and get her own passport. With all understanding for the traditional role of families in China, keeping a grown-up's hukou hostage is something that belongs in the 19th century.

We have very little to go on, obviously, so I may be very off-target here, but this does sound a bit like a teenage drama from your description.

[Shelley]

If he does steal it will only confirm the mothers fears that he is a scoundrel and no good for her daughter. Don't do it.

 

We still don't know the age of the girlfriend, if she is under 21 I agree with the mother if she is over 21 she should be old enough to make her own life decisions.

 

Show restraint, stand back, let everything die down, see how things go for a while. then approach the mother again. Be quiet, strong and persistent.

 

Don't argue, shout or demand. Show you are ready to look after her daughter by behaving in a civilized and grown up manner.

 

it might take time, but if it is meant to be it will happen.

[imron]

From the OPs other post she's 18.

[roddy]

Why don't you move to China? 

[Shelley]

Age 18, no chance, mother has my vote, too young to make life decisions of that magnitude. This is of course my opinion only.

[Narokela]

I am 20 and she is 18, look we are not stealing the Hukou because it will make me look like a fool and a thief; also the fact that is her family we are talking about. Imagine the reaction it would create, I didn't have any intention of going along with that.

 

In regards to the people thinking what they want, yeah they might have a point but at the time when she wants to come to UK she would be 20 and is nearly 19 already.

 

In regards to accommodation I accepted that she could stay with me and I would fund her living costs etc along with family help, the main reason she would come was to be with me and to study the IELTS. The University, she wanted to study that later when I have graduated myself. We do plan to get married before anyone covers that, this is a serious relationship, I am not here to cause a ruckus or get a girl and take her to the other the side of the world for some pleasure. I accept everyone's comments and take them on board, I am just here for some advice. Thanks for helping!

[renzhe]

Then this is not really about the technical details of getting the hukou and the passport, but rather a matter of convincing her family that going to the UK is the best thing for her.

Because when an 18-year old moves to another continent against her parents' express wishes, then this is a big, often family-breaking deal in every country in the world. Few parents want their barely grown-up child to leave them, probably forever.

It will not be an easy issue to resolve for the two of you. Your best chances are probably trying to get your own parents to know her family, so that there is more closeness and trust than there is at the moment. Sounds like you have a year to try to achieve this.

[anonymoose]

Well, I'm going to be judgmental here, but from the pretty terrible writing quality of your posts, it doesn't instill a lot of confidence that you're a good prospect for your girlfriend. If you want serious advice, I suggest you work hard to get educated, find a good job, and impress your girlfriend's parents by demonstrating that you are serious and dependable, and that you can provide a good life to your girlfriend, and them - as they say in China, you never marry just a person, you marry the entire family. Yeah, you won't be able to do that in six months, but you may be able to win over the parents in the long run. On the other hand, if they are dead set against their daughter going abroad, no matter what, then you've probably got a bigger hurdle to get over than just the Hukou.

[Bad Cao Cao]

I'm with the mum. An 18 year old moving across the world to live in a country where she isn't any near capable in the language, with a 20 year old who posts on forums asking for life advice? Not if I was the parent, either.