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literaltortoise

Anyone willing to check my work?

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literaltortoise

I'm a Chinese I student with some previous experience in Chinese, but as it is I'm being rather ambitious. The final project for my class consists of writing a storybook for our "pen pals" detailing a trip to a store/shopping mall. I chose to write a story about me and my friend going to the grocery store. I had to look up a lot of different words to convey my message (I use Line Dictionary). I'm fairly certain that I'm okay or at least not too far off, but I'd rather check and make sure before submitting a final product.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

你好笔友!我叫雷可珑,和我住在西雅图,华盛顿州,美国!这里天气经常阴雨,可是何时天气晴朗,西雅图很美啊!

 

这是我最朋友,白娒儒。ta最近从西班牙回来。ta那里教了孩子英语。

 

我们经常去杂货店购物吧。这个杂货店在十字路口商物。我ta家来接ta,和我杂货店驾我们。

 

我买小吃:一带薯片,一盒薄脆饼干,和一盒饼干。娒儒买一条面包。我们喜欢聊聊的时候购物。

 

娒儒想买蔬菜。我吃过蔬菜,可是我真不喜欢。它是太苦了。娒儒还买豆腐因为ta是素食主义者。我也不喜欢豆腐。

 

我们想买粗管面还是意大利面,可是我们不可以决定。我觉得我们应该买的哪个是最便宜,可是ta觉得我们应该买的哪个是最漂亮。我们决定买两个都。

 

我们付给 $35(¥224)。我ta家驾ta。我们在ta家聊聊一下。

 

回来家以后,我把杂货起来了。小吃和意大利面食物储藏室。

 

那是典型的购物之行和白娒儒一起!我希望你喜欢我的故事!我等不及收到你的回复!

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edelweis

I read your first two sentences.

On 6/9/2018 at 6:41 AM, literaltortoise said:

你好笔友!我叫雷可珑,和我住在西雅图,华盛顿州,美国!

I'm not sure about the ordering of 你好 and 笔友. Maybe someone else can comment.

There's a problem with your use of 和.

Also the arrangement of place names is very American. Chinese usually order them from largest to smallest with 的 or nothing rather than commas.

  • Thanks 1

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literaltortoise
1 minute ago, edelweis said:

There's a problem with your use of 和.

Ah, I thought so. I couldn't find a way to say "and" in the sense that we do in English.

1 minute ago, edelweis said:

Also the arrangement of place names is very American. Chinese usually order them from largest to smallest with 的 or nothing rather than commas.

Thanks so much! Totally forgot about it!

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SarahShan

I revised the letter (highlighted in red) to make it sound more fluent to a native speaker like me, hope you find it helpful. 

 

笔友,你好!我叫雷可珑,住在美国华盛顿州的西雅图。这里天气经常阴雨,可是天气晴朗的时候,西雅图很美啊!

 

这是我最好的朋友,白娒儒。ta最近从西班牙回来,ta那里孩子英语。

 

我们经常去杂货店购物。这个杂货店在十字路口。我ta家ta,和我一起去杂货店。

 

我买零食:一薯片,一盒薄脆饼干,和一盒饼干。娒儒买一条面包。我们喜欢购物的时候聊聊天

 

娒儒想买蔬菜。我吃过蔬菜,可是我真不喜欢。它是太苦了。娒儒还买豆腐,因为ta是素食主义者。我也不喜欢豆腐。

 

我们犹豫是买粗管面还是意大利面,我觉得我们应该买便宜个,可是ta觉得我们应该买漂亮的那个。我们决定两个都买

 

我们花了 $35(¥224)。我开车送ta回家,我们在ta家聊一下。

 

回来家以后,我把杂货放了起来,小吃和意大利面食物放到储藏室。

 

那是和白娒儒一起的一次典型的购物之行!我希望你喜欢我的故事!我等不及收到你的回复!

 
  • Thanks 1

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literaltortoise

@SarahShan 😭😭😭 i love you so much right now!!! I can't thank you enough!!! 谢谢🙏

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