Struggling to make friends with my Chinese classmates, any advice?

[Tortmilk]

I'm studying my MA  in China right now and I'm the only foreigner in my faculty. And I want to make friends with my Chinese classmates, but it seems they are not very interested and see me as a "laowai monkey", ask me the same simple questions all the time. How do you socialise with them and where? Should I just stop trying and hang out with foreigners instead. I have less and less motivation to learn Chinese.

[Shelley]

Hello and welcome

 

How long have you been in China? You don't say where you are or the average age of the students, what are you studying?

 

It can be difficult making new friends anywhere and more so in a new country with a language barrier. Have you tried the usual things? Go to the places they go to, eat lunch with them, find a common interest and so on.

 

I would stop "trying" and just get on with your studies, if you are open and friendly when anyone approaches you, you will find eventually you may strike up a friendship with one or two people and then maybe more.

 

Please don't give up on learning Chinese, don't let this small thing put you off, its great to have friends but should not be the determining factor in what you do with the rest of your life.

 

Relax, enjoy, be open, don't try too hard and you may succeed and gain friends.

 

 

[Flickserve]

You may be trying too hard to make friends. 

 

What subject are you studying? 

 

I would advise going outside of the coursemates and following a separate hobby/interest. 

[abcdefg]

8 hours ago, Tortmilk said:

How do you socialise with them and where?

 

Find common interests and pursue them together with locals. Forget about the classmates. 

 

 

 

 

[anonymoose]

It is difficult because at that stage of life, they all have similar backgrounds (having come through the local education system, subjected to state-sanctioned propaganda, suffered the gaokao) and there you are with practically nothing in common with them. They likely haven't had much direct interaction with foreigners before, and I can't help wondering if the constant warnings of foreign spies and constant reminders of Chinese humiliation at foreign hands doesn't exacerbate the divide, even if only subconsciously. Besides that, they hang out together in their dorms, and have a life which you could never fully integrate into.

 

I don't think you should give up even trying - but at the same time, don't have too high expectations.

 

I would advise trying to make Chinese friends outside your group of classmates. People who have entered adult life, have a wider range of experience, and possibly more experience dealing with foreigners, will likely be more open to spending time with you.

[NinjaTurtle]

Tortmilk,

 

If you have a local Starbucks, I strongly recommend you hang out there. In China I have found this is a great place to meet "internationally-minded Chinese people" and foreigners. (I have also found that Starbucks usually has a couple of workers who speak English and they are willing to answer my questions about Chinese language.) For me it has been a great resource for learning Chinese. You may even make friends with some of the Starbucks staff. I did.

[大块头]

When I was studying in Beijing on a summer program, I put up some ads looking for a language exchange partner. I received so many replies that I couldn't meet with everyone. There are likely many studious and friendly people on campus eager to improve their English and learn more about life abroad, don't give up hope!

[amytheorangutan]

I moved to Australia when I was 18 to study at University. It took me a few years before I found Australian friends who I can truly connect and became close. In the beginning they’re just acquaintances, said hello, had lots of small meaningless talks. Initially I really tried and did not get anywhere so I just hung out with other International students but don’t shut yourself off and write them off. I was still open about it and eventually met people who actually have the same interests as me outside of University. The older you get the harder it is to form friendships anywhere but it is especially hard when you are in a new country so this is not exclusive to China. Even now living in England I find it hard to find new friends. It’s because people who live in that country obviously have years and years of similar background and culture. Everyone has their school friends, university friends etc that you don’t share so naturally you’d feel isolated but don’t give up. I find that normally International students and expats have the same feelings so start with people from other countries doesn’t have to be other westerners, could even be people from Taiwan, Japan, Korea etc then maybe you will meet Chinese friends more naturally through them? 

[Tortmilk]

2 hours ago, Shelley said:

How long have you been in China? You don't say where you are or the average age of the students, what are you studying?

 

I've been in China about a year. I'm studying in Zhejiang province, my classmates are 23-24 years old.I' m studying media technology. Thank you for your reply, I should concentrate on my studying more)

[Tortmilk]

Thank you all for your advice!  I'm so glad to find this forum)

[amytheorangutan]

I forgot to say that finding out what people your age are into, what they watch on TV, what music they listen to, movies, maybe games they play, what they talk about, keeping up with current events really helped me. Even if you don’t particularly like the popular stuff that people your age like in China, knowing these stuff will eventually help you find your niche. 

[Tortmilk]

I've noticed they play games on their phones and talk about taobao purchases a lot, not really what I find interesting,probably I should pay more attention to Chinese  movies and music.Thank you for your advice)

1 hour ago, amytheorangutan said:

I forgot to say that finding out what people your age are into, what they watch on TV, what music they listen to, movies, maybe games they play, 

[Sadlaowai]

I know it’s 3 years later, but right now I’m in the same situation as you. For some reason I ended up studying my bachelor in digital media technology with Chinese students. All my classes are in chinese and to be honest my Chinese level is enough for communicating but not for understanding the classes. Right now I’m suffering because we have a group assignment and I was assigned with some random classmates that won’t even look at me. Besides of feeling left out I feel so useless…. D:

[Dawei3]

In addition to the above suggestions, I would check out Toastmasters speaking clubs in your area.  The search engine usually works at "Find a club" at www.toastmasters.org

 

Many of the Toastmasters clubs in China are English or Bilingual clubs.  Most clubs welcome guests.  If it's an English or bilingual club, they'll love having a native speaker attend their clubs.  I've found many friends thru Toastmasters clubs.  

[amytheorangutan]

On 7/11/2021 at 9:21 AM, Sadlaowai said:

All my classes are in chinese and to be honest my Chinese level is enough for communicating but not for understanding the classes. Right now I’m suffering because we have a group assignment and I was assigned with some random classmates that won’t even look at me. Besides of feeling left out I feel so useless

Try to watch a lot of news and current events and stuff that Chinese people around you watch on TV and like to talk about, I was in similar situation as you with English when I was at Uni and went to see the international student counsellor and that was her advice. I have to say it worked, I wasn't really interested in the beginning but I just pushed through and kept my TV on whenever I was home and I started to gradually understand what everyone and the lecturers were talking about and able to contribute to conversations.

[Serg]

On 7/11/2021 at 10:21 AM, Sadlaowai said:

I know it’s 3 years later, but right now I’m in the same situation as you. For some reason I ended up studying my bachelor in digital media technology with Chinese students. All my classes are in chinese and to be honest my Chinese level is enough for communicating but not for understanding the classes. Right now I’m suffering because we have a group assignment and I was assigned with some random classmates that won’t even look at me. Besides of feeling left out I feel so useless…. ?

 

About improving your Chinese level, I don't have much to tell you but the usual: study, watch some series, and so.

 

About making Chinese friends, have you considered joining a 社团? Your university might have some 社团 where you will be able to meet Chinese that share your same interests.

 

You also haven't told us much about your situation. Have you tried talking to those classmates? Have you made the "first move", so to speak? A lot of Chinese tend to be more introverted than your average foreigner. So far I haven't had many problems meeting Chinese, but I have to say that I'm fairly "annoying", I like to talk to strangers, and I dont expect many from them.

[Takeshi]

This is a difficult question. I think the OP and follow up poster specifically want to make friends with their university classmates.

 

Normally, Chinese people studying the same major would be friends with each other, but as anonymoose said, it's difficult because you may share less in common with them, and perceived differences foreigners may have could only add to the burden. If foreigners have looser entry requirements and you are perceived as less skillful or qualified in your field honestly I dunno how to help you other than saying just study harder.

 

I'd say the best course of action is to find some way to show them that you have many things in common with them. Ideally this could be in things related to your subject field (try to put on a good impression of being knowledgeable, and thus a "useful person to be friends with"), but not necessarily. Everyone will have their own specific interests, and if you can show that you have more in common with those people than even other Chinese do, that would be a big help. "Something in common" could even be just general Chinese-ness (read Chinese propaganda, and be prepared to recite it proudly). Show that you are willing to speak Chinese, to eat food(/drink if applicable) with them etc.

[abcdefg]

On 7/11/2021 at 3:21 AM, Sadlaowai said:

I know it’s 3 years later, but right now I’m in the same situation as you. For some reason I ended up studying my bachelor in digital media technology with Chinese students. All my classes are in chinese and to be honest my Chinese level is enough for communicating but not for understanding the classes. Right now I’m suffering because we have a group assignment and I was assigned with some random classmates that won’t even look at me. Besides of feeling left out I feel so useless…. ?

 

Nobody wants to be friends with a "Sad Laowai." Nor, for that matter, with a "Sad Native." That aura is toxic; It says "Go away and leave me alone." It flies in the face of the laws of human attraction. 

 

Do you even know the names of the "random classmates" who are in your work group? (Real full Chinese names, not "Molly and Jack.") How about where they are from? (Province plus city or town.) To a large extent, your attitude towards others determines how they treat you. 

 

 

[tsitsi]

Invite them to a meal, tell them you know your language is not what it should be, and as such you may not contribute as much right now but you are willing to learn, and you do have good ideas, even if you can't express them, ask them to be your mentors. This will go a long way to them letting you in. Put up an advert for an in class subject pus language tutor who will help you with catching up with the lectures and the language you need for your course, they will see these efforts and reach out to you, and you only need one person in your group to gel with you and all will be well.