How to meet a Chinese girl

[Lena8]

I write here to ask you for advice. Recently I fell in love with a Chinese girl who takes the same bus as me twice a week (on Tuesdays and Thursdays), but I can only see her for just half an hour each time (it’s the duration of the ride). I find really really hard to talk to her —first of all, because she doesn’t always sit next to me. Secondly, because she doesn’t know me at all and could seem very odd that a complete stranger suddenly starts talking to you at 7 a.m. when nobody else is talking, so she may feel awkward and I don’t want that. And finally, because as soon as she sits, she looks at her phone or listens to music. Moreover, I don’t know if she speaks my language or just Chinese. So she’s a complete mystery for me, but I would really like to talk naturally to her and meet her as the days go by.

 

Today I started following the next strategy: I spent the whole ride by bus going over my sheets of Chinese vocabulary in front of her with the hope that she could at some moment say to me something like: “Oh, do you study Chinese? Do you want to exchange languages and meet together someday?” But then I realized that maybe she can already speak my language so she doesn’t need to exchange languages, or maybe she can’t speak my language, so she might not know how to ask me. Or maybe she’s simply not interested in me. Therefore, could be worth following this strategy?

 

What do you recommend me to do? According to Chinese culture, what should I do? What do Chinese people do when they want to meet somebody new?

 

I must say I’m very shy, so I would prefer creating a natural situation in subtle ways rather than acting directly. Overall, I would like to avoid an artificial situation or a forced situation.

 

I’m looking forward to your advices and suggestions!

Thank you so much in advance!

[edelweis]

25 minutes ago, Lena8 said:

could seem very odd that a complete stranger suddenly starts talking to you

Non-Chinese-specific suggestion: when you see her, smile and/or nod and say hi.

Then get busy doing your own thing (reading or listening to music).

If you do this over the course of two weeks, and she still doesn't recognize you, or she still doesn't nod/smile/say anything, you should probably give up.

But if she takes enough notice of you to give some sign that she recognized you (in a positive way, not in a "leave me alone, you creep" way), you could try asking her whether she speaks your language. It won't be so strange or difficult to talk to her after you have received some positive recognition sign.

 

(my grandparents met on the bus  )

 

[NinjaTurtle]

Lena, do the two of you have any interests in common? Is your Chinese good enough to talk to her and find out what her interests are?

[Jim]

I'd drop it unless fate throws you together. For every romantic met-on-the-bus story there are dozens more women who just want to get to where they're going without fielding suitors. 

[Lu]

Edelweis' suggestion of smile & nod is good. It can also never hurt to go over your vocabulary on the bus - worst case scenario is that you are well-prepared in class.

 

But don't expect miracles. You are not in love with this woman, because you don't know her at all. You just like her looks (which is fine, but it's not the same as loving a person). You might have nothing in common. She might have a husband, a girlfriend, a one-way plane ticket for next week, an ugly character. If the studying and the smile-and-nodding don't work and you're too shy to strike up a conversation, be prepared to just admire her from afar. Let her presence light up your bus ride and just enjoy that.

[somethingfunny]

1 hour ago, Lena8 said:

I fell in love with a Chinese girl who takes the same bus as me

How do you know she's Chinese?

 

1 hour ago, Lena8 said:

she’s a complete mystery for me

How did you fall in love with her?

 

Try to be practical, and not to romanticise the situation in your mind.  Oh, and a strategy which involves you not trying to talk to her is not a strategy...

[roddy]

What would you do if she wasn’t Chinese? Do that. 

[Lena8]

@edelweis  Thank you so much for the suggestion! I will try to smile at her and nod for some days. If later there’s still no sign of recognition or acceptance, I will give up. Anyway, let’s try. I hope she reacts positively 

[Lena8]

3 hours ago, NinjaTurtle said:

Lena, do the two of you have any interests in common? Is your Chinese good enough to talk to her and find out what her interests are?

 

Well, I don’t know. That’s one of the things I would like to get to know. For me it’s important to share things in common with the person I feel attracted to. But first, before asking for her interests, I should be able to exchange greetings...

Sadly, my Chinese isn’t still advanced enough to have profound conversations, just basic ones.

 

1 hour ago, Lu said:

But don't expect miracles. You are not in love with this woman, because you don't know her at all. You just like her looks (which is fine, but it's not the same as loving a person). You might have nothing in common. She might have a husband, a girlfriend, a one-way plane ticket for next week, an ugly character. If the studying and the smile-and-nodding don't work and you're too shy to strike up a conversation, be prepared to just admire her from afar. Let her presence light up your bus ride and just enjoy that.

 

@Lu  You’re right. I know at this stage I can’t say I love her, because I don’t know her at all. Maybe we don’t have anything in common or she has an ugly character or whatever, but I would really like to have at least an opportunity to discover it. I will follow Edelweis' suggestion of smile & nod, and if that doesn’t work, then the best will be what you say: admire her from afar.

 

1 hour ago, somethingfunny said:

How do you know she's Chinese?

 

Well, because of her facial features and because I’m studying Chinese and one day she was talking by the phone and I could notice she was speaking in Chinese.

 

1 hour ago, somethingfunny said:

How did you fall in love with her?

 

Try to be practical, and not to romanticise the situation in your mind.  Oh, and a strategy which involves you not trying to talk to her is not a strategy...

 

Yes, it seems contradictory to say “to fall in love” when saying “she’s a complete mystery for me”. Possibly I didn’t use properly the expression ”to fall in love”. I meant I feel attracted to her and I would like to talk to her and meet her.

About strategies, what I want isn’t not having to talk, but if we finally get to talk, I want the situation to be natural and comfortable.

 

[Lena8]

3 minutes ago, roddy said:

What would you do if she wasn’t Chinese? Do that. 

 

I would be interested anyway in meeting her. The language barrier would be even bigger, that's true, but my wish to know her would be the same.

[Lena8]

3 hours ago, Jim said:

I'd drop it unless fate throws you together. For every romantic met-on-the-bus story there are dozens more women who just want to get to where they're going without fielding suitors. 

 

Yes, I know there are a lot of women who just want to go wherever they go without anything else. That’s absolutely clear.

[NinjaTurtle]

20 minutes ago, Lena8 said:

Sadly, my Chinese isn’t still advanced enough to have profound conversations, just basic ones.

 

Strong, healthy romantic relationships are based on lots and lots of profound conversations. If the two of you do not have a common language which allows for such conversations, then the relationship is a bad idea. Since this relationship is a bad idea right now, do not let yourself become emotionally attached to her, only to fall into unhappiness when your hopes are eventually dashed. And they will be dashed and stay dashed until the most basic thing -- a common language -- becomes possible. Until then, you are just setting yourself up for failure.

 

There is one more important issue here, and this is really the most important issue. You have allowed yourself to become emotionally attached to a girl you know nothing about. You are letting your emotions control you instead of having you control your emotions. Your emotions and you are having a tug-of-war. You need to find out why this tug-of-war is happening and what to do about it.

[歐博思]

If you feel you've passed the most basic thing— the smile and nod, yet still feel embarrassed to strike up a conversation out loud at 7 am when everybody'd be listening solely to the foreigner talking to the Chinese girl, maybe next time you sit next to her, have something cute/silly/funny/invitational typed out on your phone and show it to her?

 

I know someone who asked the most ridiculous question to a girl he liked on the bus to spark up a conversation, and long story short they spent the rest of the day together, along with the next few years after that ?

 

[DavyJonesLocker]

I'd say go for it. Many people regret not taking a chance when it presented itself rather than being proactive. 

 

Your post does sound quite niave but you say you are  shy and I'm guessing you're young so perfectly understandable. It sounds like you have built up something up in your mind that simply isn't there. Jim is right, we like to think about these nice stories but reality is you will go through a LOT of knock backs with this approach. That doesn't mean all hope is lost

 

I've lost count of how many random women I approached in my younger days. I was never stalker like and quite gentle about it. However I never regretted it. They probably did though. Haha

 

Do you ever see these guys that other guys love to hate because they easily get a girl by doing little. Its because confidence shines through. It's important. 

 

I'd say crack on buddy and chalk it up to experience if you bomb out. 

 

[cliveface96]

What @DavyJonesLocker said. Approach her and you'll feel good irrespective of the outcome; also be honest about your intentions. GL bruz

[stapler]

 

Quote

According to Chinese culture, what should I do? What do Chinese people do when they want to meet somebody new?

 

According to Chinese culture you have get your mutual friend or family members who know one of her family members to introduce you. Then you need to go on a big collective group date. If with friends they'll seat you together so you have an opportunity to talk. If your parents are bringing you to meet her and her parents it'll be more straight forward (and awkward). If neither is an option you need to perform some over-the-top public announcement of your love for her - like playing a guitar and holding roses outside of her office or some other situation where you can use the public attention you'll attract to pressure her into agreeing so she can save face.

 

Now if you cannot do that I definitely think approaching this girl who doesn't know you and telling her you're studying Chinese is a sound strategy. I know I would immediately be attracted to a stranger studying English on the bus in front of me or who approached me and told me they were studying English....

 

[imron]

1 hour ago, stapler said:

I know I would immediately be attracted to a stranger studying English on the bus in front of me or who approached me and told me they were studying English....

Not sure if serious or sarcastic

[amytheorangutan]

I would start by saying 早 and smile a few times if you take the bus at the same time regularly. Then maybe pay attention not in a creepy way to what she carries/does on the bus. Just like how you tried to show her that you study Chinese, she might be doing things or have stuff on her that show her interests and therefore can be a conversation starter (as an example I have some space related pins and some sort of Ghibli stuff on my bag/thermos/phone etc which at times have sparked conversations with strangers). 

 

I would say at least start a friendly greeting... instant attraction is fine and happens all the time even within the same culture. Think pubs, bars, gyms, blind dates, set ups, tinder etc a lot of people start with initial attraction nowadays, whether you will still be attracted to her once you get to know her is a different story but you'll never know unless you try. 

 

Regarding language barrier, sure it is a problem but it's not something that can't be overcome. I assume you probably wouldn't start talking about government, family values, where you stand on sensitive political and social issues in the first few months so by then if you are still interested in her, your Chinese would probably have progressed a bit. Good luck!

[Lena8]

21 hours ago, NinjaTurtle said:

Strong, healthy romantic relationships are based on lots and lots of profound conversations. [...]

 

There is one more important issue here, and this is really the most important issue. You have allowed yourself to become emotionally attached to a girl you know nothing about. You are letting your emotions control you instead of having you control your emotions.

 

I agree with you when you say strong relationships are based on lots of profound conversations (among other things), but I don’t agree when you say I’m attached to her. I’m not. I’m very interested in her and I would really like to meet her (for that reason I’ve asked for advice), but my emotions are not out of control.

 

16 hours ago, 歐博思 said:

I know someone who asked the most ridiculous question to a girl he liked on the bus to spark up a conversation, and long story short they spent the rest of the day together, along with the next few years after that ?

 

Which question? 拜托 The most ridiculous question with that outcome is a great question. I accept suggestions. 

 

12 hours ago, DavyJonesLocker said:

I'd say go for it. Many people regret not taking a chance when it presented itself rather than being proactive.

 

@DavyJonesLocker I know, and that’s my fear too. I would like to be proactive, but as you suppose I’m young and I have few experience in this kind of things. However, although I’m shy, I’ve been psyching myself up to be more open, and I will try to approach her with self-confidence as you say! Thx for your encouragement!

 

10 hours ago, cliveface96 said:

Approach her and you'll feel good irrespective of the outcome; also be honest about your intentions. GL bruz

 

Thanks! I will try to approach her little by little, first with a smile and a nod!

 

7 hours ago, stapler said:

Now if you cannot do that I definitely think approaching this girl who doesn't know you and telling her you're studying Chinese is a sound strategy. I know I would immediately be attracted to a stranger studying English on the bus in front of me or who approached me and told me they were studying English....

 

I would (not immediately) be attracted to a stranger studying English on the bus in front of me or who approached me and told me they were studying English, but I would probably notice him/her at some time.

 

6 hours ago, imron said:

Not sure if serious or sarcastic

 

Maybe serious 

 

5 hours ago, amytheorangutan said:

I would start by saying 早 and smile a few times if you take the bus at the same time regularly. Then maybe pay attention not in a creepy way to what she carries/does on the bus. Just like how you tried to show her that you study Chinese, she might be doing things or have stuff on her that show her interests and therefore can be a conversation starter (as an example I have some space related pins and some sort of Ghibli stuff on my bag/thermos/phone etc which at times have sparked conversations with strangers). 

 

@amytheorangutan  Thank you so much for the advice and your encouragement! I agree with you.  I prefer to start in a friendly way and take it one step at a time, so I take your advice! Above all, I want to make her feel comfortable.

 

5 hours ago, amytheorangutan said:

Regarding language barrier, sure it is a problem but it's not something that can't be overcome. I assume you probably wouldn't start talking about government, family values, where you stand on sensitive political and social issues in the first few months so by then if you are still interested in her, your Chinese would probably have progressed a bit. Good luck!

 

I hope so. I study Chinese whenever I can and I’m striving to improve in it!

[Lu]

29 minutes ago, Lena8 said:

I would like to be proactive, but as you suppose I’m young and I have few experience in this kind of things.

What you could do for practice is chat with other people on the bus (on days she is not there, or if you don't sit next to her). Compliment someone on their clothes or bag or something. Remark on the weather, or something you see in traffic, or something you see the other person reading. Offer someone your seat if applicable. You don't need to make a profound connection (most people do not want that on their morning commute), your goal is to initiate a pleasant conversation that lasts a few sentences. Meanwhile, your actual goal is to practice starting up a conversation with a stranger on the bus. New opportunities every day, with lower stakes than your planned chat with This One Woman.

 

If you can find some practical tips on how to chat with strangers, perhaps read up on that. I don't mean stuff like 'mirror their stance' or 'listen empathically', that's not practical. I mean things like: don't make it an interview but instead, share something about yourself, tell an anecdote.