Son from divorced parents, adopted by second husband?

[MessedupTigermom]

My son is mixed Asian and looks very Chinese. So in my country, I put him in a school with majority Chinese children. I was also putting him in Chinese lessons and trying to help him learn his culture.

He was abandoned and adopted by my current husband very small, so that is the only father figure he knows. I have met people from Shanghai who did not think this is an issue in him making

friends or getting picked on. I read online in Hong Kong remarriage with kids is normal. But a friend from Liaoning is scaring me and making me think I should just pull him out of his school because

as he gets older, when people figure out he is adopted they may bully him. So is this a big deal for entire China? Majority of children, their parents come from Hong Kong and right now

see his face, like their kids playing with him. But according to my friend from Liaoning, this could change if he is older. 

I was thinking to just put him in a more diverse school where he could have friends then maybe 6th grade he can study abroad in Shanghai because I would like to live abroad in Shanghai, HK or Taiwan.

I really do not want my son to get bullied or experience kids not wanting to play with him. He is mixed but looks very East Asian. He even got asked to be a child model for a Korean company before but

I turned it down because I figured he could have criticism in the East Asian world because of family background.  

[Flickserve]

It’s better and easier to change your ‘friend’....

[MessedupTigermom]

I do not understand which friend you want me to change. Shanghai or Liaoning friend? 

1 hour ago, Flickserve said:

It’s better and easier to change your ‘friend’....

 

[MessedupTigermom]

Nevermind I think you meant Liaoning friend, sorry. 

[ChTTay]

Definitely your “friend” who thinks adoption is something negative.

 

It sounds like they are projecting their own prejudices onto others then claiming they’re not their own. 

 

If your son is happy then I don’t see what the problem is. 

 

What country are you in by the way?

[imron]

20 hours ago, MessedupTigermom said:

when people figure out he is adopted they may bully him

Kids get bullied for all sorts of reasons.  He's just as likely to get bullied for something else as he is to get bullied for being adopted.

 

20 hours ago, MessedupTigermom said:

I really do not want my son to get bullied

You're far better off teaching your son how to handle bullies.  In my own experience, the only way is to give back twice as bad as you get - people won't mess with you if they know they're going to get messed up back.  Going to teachers and parents to solve the problem rarely fixes it and may make it worse.

[ChTTay]

Sports. I always thought the easiest way, especially for boys, is to just play sports. Generally if you’re on a team you’re held in fairly high regard socially and then you’ve also got friends on the team who, in the event someone wants to have a go at you, will likely stick up for you. I don’t remember anyone on any of the teams I was on as kid ever getting in any trouble. 

[MessedupTigermom]

7 hours ago, ChTTay said:

Definitely your “friend” who thinks adoption is something negative.

 

It sounds like they are projecting their own prejudices onto others then claiming they’re not their own. 

 

If your son is happy then I don’t see what the problem is. 

 

What country are you in by the way?

1

So they are fine with adopted children in China? I was in another country that it is a huge social stigma so I was worried when she said this.

I am in USA in a Chinatown. Right now we are in a Chicago Chinatown but I do not like Chicago sometimes because it feels too segregated/sectioned off.

Sometimes people do not mix with each other in Chicago, not just one ethnicity but more than one.

 

I was an expat in an international school overseas as a kid where you saw people mix all the time. It was very normal to see someone from another ethnicity

speak a language that they have no biological ties to, or have friends from a different culture.

 

So I am not too familiar with Chicago and sometimes the way Chicago is surprises me. My husband is Hispanic and always getting stereotyped

even though he actually grew up in Japanese culture since they do have a small Latino population in Japan. Sometimes people here wait for the bus

across the street from him or hold their purses closer when they see him, they often mistaken him for Puerto RIcan.

 

In other places if you know a language, they are not so surprised. In Chicago,  if I speak a certain language they assume that is the race 

I am since not enough people are stepping outside of their comfort zone to mix with others. They say it is

diverse which it is, but compared to what I am used to it does not seem like people mix. That's why my husband keeps looking at NYC but we have to visit first. 

 

My oldest son is mixed Chinese and so people often come up to me and ask me his background and what ethnicity my husband is, assuming he is the biological dad.

My husband is his real dad in his heart and only father figure he knows. He was reading in Hebrew and English at 4 years old and never stops talking so he attracts

attention. I cannot make him quiet so I will definitely try martial arts and sports, very good recommendation. Thank you very much.

 

[edelweis]

12 hours ago, MessedupTigermom said:

So they are fine with adopted children in China?

Maybe not everywhere. But China is a huge country and the general feeling/prejudice towards mixed race and adoption might not be the same in Liaoning and Shanghai.

And additionally the situation might be quite different in Hong Kong (British influence) and Taiwan (American influence).

 

[ChTTay]

Yeah, to add to that ...

 

Increasingly popular opinion is that mixed race kids (and then adults) are beautiful / attractive. This sort of helps alleviate negative feelings toward mixed race marriage and people amongst younger people in more modern cities especially. Then APPS like douyin also let people see inside mixed race families lives and reduce some of the misconceptions about them. 

 

As for adoption, I’m fairly sure the family wouldn’t make it common knowledge if they didn’t have to. There are idiots in every country. When it comes to marriage especially some Chinese parents can be ridiculous. You’re a long way off worrying about that and you don’t even live in China.  If you’re son has a foreign passport it would likely negate that problem anyway if you wanted him to find a mainland girl in the future. 

 

I’m fairly sure adults in most places wouldn’t openly express negative views about it. Kids are kids though and bully’s pick on people for any reason they can. As above, generally it’s more useful to equip kids with the tools they need for a bully not to start or how to deal with a bully.