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advancedip

I am working on my Chinese essay for my Chinese class.

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advancedip

Theme: A lonely boy that is really depressed and is worried about his future.

 

我没有朋友. 为什么我没有朋友? 我为什么要独自生活. 我讨厌我的生活!
在这个年纪,我应该找女朋友,而不是朋友。为什么应该女孩约会 失败者? 我会孤独永远. 如果我遇到一个好女孩, 
我就会开心.

 

Can you guys fix my grammar?

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Shelley

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

If this is your homework do you think it would be the right thing to do to get someone to "fix your grammar"?

I say this because you aren't likely to learn anything if you don't work it out for yourself.

What do you think is wrong with it? 

If you submit it like this, your teacher can go through it with you and explain what you did wrong.

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Beelzebro
Quote

我没有朋友. 为什么我没有朋友? 我为什么要独自生活. 我讨厌我的生活!

 

No grammar errors here or incorrect word usage, but it'd be more interesting to read if you removed the first sentence, and also move the 我 in the third sentence to after the 为什么, in order to create a repeating rhythm. Like this: 为什么我没有朋友?为什么我要独自生活?我讨厌我的生活!

 

Quote

在这个年纪,我应该找女朋友,而不是朋友。为什么应该女孩约会 失败者? 我会孤独永远. 如果我遇到一个好女孩,我就会开心.

 

A few things wrong with this, but the main part to pay attention to is the second sentence (beginning 为什么). It seems you've written in English "why should girls date losers?" and just translated word for word into Chinese. Problem is, 应该 and 约会 can't really be used this way. 约会 when used as a verb requires two subjects, so you need to use it in the pattern "A和/跟B约会" ("A dates B"). Instead of 为什么...应该,I'd suggest using 怎么会, which translates as something along the lines of "how could/why would" to create a rhetorical question. Add in 愿意 meaning "be willing/want to", and we get: 女孩怎么会愿意跟失败者约会?Finally, we can add a 呢 at the end, which I won't explain in detail here as it's beyond the scope of this post, but it basically just links the sentence to the context that precedes it, and add a 我这样的 ("like me") to make it sound more advanced/native:

 

Quote

我现在是找女朋友的年纪,而不是找普通朋友的。女孩怎么会愿意跟我这样的失败者约会呢?我会一个人一辈子。只要能遇到一个好女孩,我就会非常开心...

I'm at the age for looking for a girlfriend, not normal friends. Why would girls by willing to date a loser like me? I'll be alone forever. If I could just meet a good girl I'd be so happy...

 

The changes I made to the other parts of the paragraph are more minor. Your version was also fine, except for 独自永远. The problem with that is that both 独自 and 永远 are adverbs, that need to precede a verb, but that sentence has no verb. Therefore I changed it to 一个人一辈子. 一个人 is a verb meaning "to be alone" (can also act as an adverb though) and is far more commonly used than 独自 (to be honest if I were you I'd change the 独自 in your first paragraph to 一个人 too). Likewise, 一辈子 is more common that 永远 and means "one's whole life".

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