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YJ

给我一些建议和意见

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YJ

第一次写小说又是华语小说,多多包涵

我今年才18岁不要这么严格

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luu

“语气”这个词是不可数的,差异可以用诧异替代。

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Norris2000

萧熙然不解的看着周围又陌生又熟悉的环境 (在心里面差异的想着)

点评: 括号里面可以不要。 主角已经不解的看周围了,就不需要多加一句描述。 还有,"差异" 和 "诧异" 是完全两回事,要搞清楚喔

 

萧熙然(联想)到刚才有人叫她的名字

点评: "联想" 不会这样用,我们可以由A联想到B,再联想到C。 而主角只是单纯的想起有人叫她的名字,所以用 "想" 就好了

 

她疑惑的看着对方好似在说”是她?“

点评: ...看着对方,好像在说...

加个逗号会好一点。  "好似" 比较不常用吧

 

那个人长的挺漂亮的,可是她眼里隐藏的恨意让她整张脸看起来怪怪的不符合她天生甜美可爱的脸蛋。

点评: 可以改成...

...恨意让她整张脸看起来怪怪的不符合她天生甜美可爱的脸蛋。

 

而那个人就是她的同父异母的妹妹萧熙默。萧熙默疑惑的看着萧熙然总觉得她这个姐姐比平常(跟往常的)有一丝丝的不一样可是她又不懂哪里不一样了。(,)萧熙默轻蔑地想着(自嘲的想着)“自己想多了吧,

 

点评: 这里心态用自嘲不太贴切,应该是她看不起妹妹,觉得熙然还是像以前一样愚蠢。 其实轻蔑也不太好,不过还没想到更好的词...

 

(萧熙然)还是那样的愚蠢,相信我做什么都是为了她好,都没察觉到(隐隐约约)她在萧家的大小姐的身份和地位已经慢慢地(的)被我代替了。
点评: 

“的”用在名词前 
 “地”用在动词前

例句: 蓝色的海洋; 开心地跳舞


 "隐隐约约" 和 "慢慢地" 意思有点重叠,只用 "慢慢地" 就好了。

 

萧熙默(却在表面上)的表情却是满满的关心和担心的语气问候

点评: 表情一定是在表面上的,不需要强调

 

”然然,我叫你这么多声为什么没有回答我?我们半小时之后(多半个钟头)需要到达公司参加每一年次(举办)的派对。

 

快点准备好出门(快点准备自己)!“

点评: "快点准备自己" 应该是来自英语中的 get ready for yourself 吧,我们很少会这样写。我们的目标是出门!

 

然后萧熙默就离开了没给萧熙然任何回答的机会。萧熙然却是在想着目前一个重大的问题”这里不是我十八岁以前的家吗?为什么又回来了?还有刚才萧熙默的语气为什么还要装成一

 

点评: 算不错了,整体文笔通顺,词汇量可以再增加,要注意分句和逗号的运用。继续努力吧。不过我有点好奇故事后续呢?

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