Waiting years for a wedding ceremony (after legally married)?

[Brian US]

So this blew my mind - coworker has been committed to her diet (apples and instant shakes in case you are curious), and she said it's rough but will work out for her planned wedding in a year.

 

Hold up - she has already been married and living with her husband for over a year?! She explained this is very common, that in China you get legally married and then have the ceremony later. I get that, and it seems in the West many people will go to the court/government office for their marriage certificate (legally married), and then have the ceremony. Yet, I feel this is often done within a few days or week of each other...

 

Coworker was surprised how surprised I was of this, explaining this is very common around the world. From my point of view, I said it's like the office throws a welcome party for me this week (I've been here a year). Sure, that would be thoughtful, but I've been here a year, so what's the point? I know, I know, a wedding ceremony is a big deal (especially in China), but two years later?! I have a Chinese co-worker living in the US that married an American, and they were planning another ceremony in China 6 months later, which made sense since her family didn't make it to the US for the courthouse wedding.

 

Coworker then points to the great heartthrob of Justin Bieber as an example of someone who was legally married last year, and planning a wedding this year. For some reason, I don't feel Justin Bieber represents the typical newlywed.

[Flickserve]

Two years is quite long lol 

[DavyJonesLocker]

The divas need time to plan the wedding ?

[889]

It's not the wedding ceremony, it's the wedding banquet that's being held. By Chinese custom, a couple is not regarded as "married" until they hold a banquet inviting family and friends.

[Brian US]

1 hour ago, 889 said:

By Chinese custom, a couple is not regarded as "married" until they hold a banquet inviting family and friends.

 

So then the question is what is a usual time from the wedding ceremony to the banquet? Another co-worker was married a year ago without a banquet, and now at 7 months pregnant, I don't think they will have one.

[Lu]

To my knowledge, a few months is a more normal period between registration and wedding, but two years is not unheard of. If money and/or circumstances are not ideal, things can easily get postponed and before you know two years have gone by. Someone important gets sick or is about to have a baby, you want to make a downpayment on a house but then there's no more money left for the wedding, the venue is booked this summer and autumn is not a nice season, sister needs to have her wedding first, etc etc.

[陳德聰]

This is pretty normal in Canada. You can get married on paper for the legal stuff and then you can spend as long as you like planning your expensive-as-all-get-out wedding, you just usually don’t necessarily advertise that you already did it on paper.

[Flickserve]

Probably up to not more than a year and a half. If a relative dies, there will be a period of time  where the couple cannot marry. Don’t know about the rest of mainland China but certainly so in Chinese communities such as Hong Kong and Malaysia. 

 

For myself it was a year apart delayed due to professional exams. Then it was a popular day for banquets and the hotel messed up our booking. Not in mainland China but other Chinese communities may need to host the banquet on an auspicious day.

[abcdefg]

I have friends who have "married officially" but deferred the celebration for well over a year for "practical reasons" such as given above. 

 

For a while, about 5 years ago, the "Naked Marriage" 裸婚 was one popular, albeit non-traditional, solution. Haven't heard so much about it recently.

 

Quote

Naked marriage or bare marriage (Chinese: 裸婚) refers to an increasingly prevalent form of marriage popular among people born after the 1980s in China.^[1] In a naked marriage, loving partners get united without solid material foundation. It typically bears the characteristics of "no house", "no car", "no ring", and "no ceremony", and is generally recognized as a frugal way of tying the knot under the enormous economic pressure China's younger generation is currently facing. (Wikipedia)

 

[889]

Let's be practical here: delay the banquet and you can get 红包 for another year.

[mackie1402]

My wife and I had our ceremony about a year after we got officially married in China, too. We tied the knot just before her father passed (literally days). I'll never forget the look on his face when he saw his daughter was married. Couldn't have been happier. Who really wants to celebrate a wedding after their father has passed, when that's the one true person you wanted to be there? Plus, a lot of people wouldn't want to turn up to the wedding so soon, as it can be bad luck in China. In fact, after my wive's father passed, she couldn't attend any other people's weddings because of the so called 'bring back fortune' to the newly wed couple. 

 

Most married couples in China I've met do it a pretty similar way. Get married, then spend a while (usually 6-12 months) preparing the big banquet. 

[Brian US]

Huh, well then, the more you know. Thanks all!

[DavyJonesLocker]

On 8/14/2019 at 12:58 PM, Brian US said:

Coworker was surprised how surprised I was of this, explaining this is very common around the world.

 

 

Although I agree with your assessment, outside China i never once heard of it apart from unforeseen and exceptional circumstances (death,  accident, etc), even at at indian when half the region turn up and it last for days!

 

I'm sure it does happen (intentional lengthy delays ) but it is certainly not common imo

 

[somethingfunny]

I wonder... should one wait until after the ceremony to have children, or is the legal paper-based stuff sufficient?  I can't imagine attending a Chinese wedding where they already have children.

[Flickserve]

Never seen of heard of a Chinese wedding banquet where the child has already been born. Pregnant and banquet yes.

 

Anybody else seen it?

[DavyJonesLocker]

Remarried yes , not been to it but saw pictures on wechat. Didn't look like a elaborate affair though from what I found tell. 

 

Perhaps many couples don't really consider them properly "married" until the banquet had taken place thus put of having a child until then. 

 

 

[道艺]

I have to say I'm with your coworker, I'm surprised you find this so farfetched. It seems pretty logical and in a number of ways very responsible. 

 

What's hard for me to explain to Chinese friends and acquaintances is the increasing number of single mother/have kids but not married situations in the US. 

[Brian US]

On 8/17/2019 at 10:54 PM, 道艺黄帝 said:

I have to say I'm with your coworker, I'm surprised you find this so farfetched.

 

But let's then do an extreme, and say every custom is delayed 2 years:

 

1) Office welcome party - we didn't have the funds for your welcome party, but now we do, so welcome!

2) House warming party - I never got around to one although friends and family have come over several times, but let's celebrate my move!

3) Baby shower - I know our child is 2 years old, but instead of a birthday, it's a baby shower!

4) Funeral - we didn't have the money for a proper ceremony, but now we do, so let's send Uncle Harold off the right way this time.

5) Graduation party - I know I've already been working 2 years, but let's celebrate me finishing school!

6) Honeymoon - ok yes I've heard it's common to delay this as unnecessary, but if you go on a trip years after your wedding, just call it a trip...

 

I get the cultural requirements, but at some point you gotta say "what's the point"?

 

This is farfetched to me in the sense that in the US I have never ever heard of this long of a wait between getting the marriage license and the ceremony. Every single friend and family I know would do it around a week before/after the ceremony. I definitely know of people that lived together for years, but waited to get married for the right time (finish school, find a stable job, save money).

 

For her to insist this is a very common practice in my home country, but could only refer to Justin Bieber as an example didn't have me sold. Yet, I now understand this is very common in China, so cultural difference.

[Balthazar]

1 hour ago, Brian US said:

But let's then do an extreme, and say every custom is delayed 2 years:

 

I don't think your analogies work all that well. Some of them refer to the marking of the beginning of something new or a specific event. You got a new job/kid. Someone died (funeral). What's the equivalent in the marriage example?

 

Are you equally surprised when a couple has been cohabitating for a couple of years before deciding to marry?

[Brian US]

19 hours ago, Balthazar said:

What's the equivalent in the marriage example?

 

I don't quite follow this question, I feel marriage can be the marking of the beginning of something new, and is a specific event.

 

19 hours ago, Balthazar said:

Are you equally surprised when a couple has been cohabitating for a couple of years before deciding to marry?

 

I mentioned that part in my above post, and I feel that is very common and not out of the ordinary. My sister has been living with her boyfriend for several years, and without prying them for the details, I believe they are waiting for him to finish school. Now, if they have a wedding ceremony and tell me they actually were legally married for a couple years, I would be surprised since that is out of the cultural norms in the US. Again, I now understand this is totally normal in China.