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叫我小山

Can someone critique/correct my poem?

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叫我小山

I'm still relatively new to 文言文, and I've done a lot of reading and learning poetry and other easier texts. I am trying my hand at some Tang-style poetry, (I know, very high objective). I am hoping that someone could read my attempt and see if it fits within the parameters of 'passable' 文言文. [I have included a translation in English so you can see what I was trying to mean.] Thanks!

 

在河邊望水波     By the riverside watching the water ripple

水面如鏡閃光     The water's surface is like a glistening mirror

照出吾臉之像     It reflects the likeness of my face

子見我所見乎? Do you see what I see?

 

I tried not to use modern Mandarin words and meanings as much as possible, but I feel they might be there. I use A Student's Dictionary of Classical and Medieval Chinese by Paul W. Kroll to lookup words and I think it's a great resource. I don't know if you can tell, but I am really inspired by 李白

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Demonic_Duck

Properly critiquing 文言文 poetry is above my skill level, but one thing that immediately jumps out is the meter. 5 characters or 7 characters per line are the norm, whereas 6 characters per line is vanishingly rare (can't think of a single example, though again, I'm nowhere near an expert).

 

Also:

 

1 hour ago, 叫我小山 said:

在河邊望水波

 

In 文言, I think, “【做某事】于【何方】” is the typical word order. “在【何方】【做某事】” is more modern sounding.

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叫我小山
1 hour ago, Demonic_Duck said:

In 文言, I think, “【做某事】于【何方】” is the typical word order. “在【何方】【做某事】” is more modern sounding.

 

This makes so much sense and as soon as I rewrote it as "望水波於河邊" I realized it is way more appropriate. I feel it is difficult to break free from the reigns of modern Mandarin when trying to compose or even read 文言. I must realize that they share a script, but after that it is very different in many ways. Thank you for your words!

 

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arrow

河邊望水波

水面如鏡光

照出吾臉像

見我所見乎?

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  • Helpful 1

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叫我小山

@arrow, you really cleaned it up well! Thank you! These constructive corrections help me a lot!

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PerpetualChange

I think the number of two-character words definitely throws it off, both the meter and the feel of authenticity. Also 6 character lines is a bit odd. 

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Lu
17 hours ago, Demonic_Duck said:

In 文言, I think, “【做某事】于【何方】” is the typical word order. “在【何方】【做某事】” is more modern sounding.

I'm also nowhere near an expert, but it feels to me like this should be the other way around: 于【何方】【做某事】. So no 在, but that word order.

 

And wow Arrow really improved it well.

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Demonic_Duck
9 minutes ago, Lu said:

I'm also nowhere near an expert, but it feels to me like this should be the other way around: 于【何方】【做某事】. So no 在, but that word order.

 

To be honest my memories of 古文课 are hazy at best. It might be that both word orders are acceptable.

 

On the whole though, I think @arrow's suggestion, leaving out the preposition altogether, is far better than either:

 

13 hours ago, arrow said:

河邊望水波

 

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