Confused about interactions with Chinese colleague

[nena.inara]

So, I have a small crush on my colleague who happens to be Chinese. However, I am really struggling to understand his feelings towards me as he can be pretty hot and cold. I do think our respective cultures play a role in this confusion - I’m Latina and used to a lot more forwardness from men as to their intentions not just in dating but friendship as well. My colleague is much more passive and generally has a more introverted personality. He does talk to me much more than our other coworkers, especially other non-Chinese ones, and on a more personal level. He will tease me and brings me mooncakes and other sweets and recently bought me a plushie related to one of my favorite shows while he was on a work trip. When we text it seems like he’s interested in chatting. However, other times he will leave me on read for days. And he’s never asked to hang out outside of work. I can’t tell if he wants to be friends, if he likes me as more than a friend, or even if he just views me as a colleague. I’m overthinking this for sure, but would also appreciate any insight in case there’s any cultural differences that are adding to my not understanding our interactions. Thank you!!

[Lu]

On 12/4/2021 at 5:16 AM, nena.inara said:

He will tease me and brings me mooncakes and other sweets and recently bought me a plushie related to one of my favorite shows while he was on a work trip.

He likes you.

 

Whether he wants to date you may be another question, though. He may be hesitant to date someone from another culture: will it be difficult to adjust your various expectations, what will his parents think, how will you get along with his family, etc etc. Or he may be hesitant to date someone from another country: will he have to stay in yours, far away from his family and everything he feels at home in, will you move to his, and how would that work... (This is all assuming he is Chinese from China, staying in a different country.)

 

Perhaps ask yourself these questions as well. You don't have to have ready-made answers, but give them some serious consideration. If you decide it's too difficult, just enjoy the little crush for what it is and let it brighten your workday and his. If you decide it's worth trying, perhaps ask him for coffee sometime, something really, really low-key, to build a friendship first. And are you bringing him small gifts and things to eat as well? He will read that as you liking him.

[nena.inara]

On 12/4/2021 at 5:51 AM, Lu said:

Whether he wants to date you may be another question, though. He may be hesitant to date someone from another culture: will it be difficult to adjust your various expectations, what will his parents think, how will you get along with his family, etc etc. Or he may be hesitant to date someone from another country: will he have to stay in yours, far away from his family and everything he feels at home in, will you move to his, and how would that work... (This is all assuming he is Chinese from China, staying in a different country.)

Thank you for your response, it’s really well thought out. Yes I’ve brought him homemade sweets before and other small gifts. It is a good point you make about it may be his whole family in China (and my whole family in my country outside the US where we work) that is on his mind. It’s something to think about on my part too although I’ve never shied away from partners from other cultures. Starting with coffee seems like a good first step. 

[道艺]

jiayou! let us know how it goes.

 

I used to talk to a lot of Chinese gym buddies about their view on non Chinese women. They all said they'd been curious to go out with one but didn't know where to find Chinese speaking laowai babes. 

 

Does he speak English or do you speak Chinese (or both)?

[amytheorangutan]

Yes please do let us know how it goes. Always love to hear success love story ?

 

 

 

[RedInkstone]

On 12/4/2021 at 11:51 AM, Lu said:

He likes you.

 

Whether he wants to date you may be another question, though. He may be hesitant to date someone from another culture: will it be difficult to adjust your various expectations, what will his parents think, how will you get along with his family, etc etc. Or he may be hesitant to date someone from another country: will he have to stay in yours, far away from his family and everything he feels at home in, will you move to his, and how would that work... (This is all assuming he is Chinese from China, staying in a different country.)

I second this!

Bringing you little presents is a very typical way of showing that he likes you, without coming off too strong (our ways of showing affection at the beginning are too direct and might in some cases give off the wrong signals to a Chinese person). It’s much more about subtle clues that get more direct as time goes on. 
 

Him not responding is also very typical. From what I have experienced, Chinese women message guys that they like a lot to show their interest, so he might play hard to get to encourage you writing more? (It’s just my two cents, I may be wrong here.)

 

Unfortunately foreign women are put on a pedestal for no reason whatsoever, which makes it harder to date. Many Chinese guys who like you, are afraid that you are not open to dating them and they put too much pressure on themselves (also owning to stupid media portrayals of Chinese men, foreign men and foreign women), that they somehow need to “outperform” guys from your country to even have a chance with your or that you might have very high standards that they cannot meet. 
 

My friends who are in a “Chinese-foreigner relationship” all had concerns beforehand. What really calmed the Chinese partner (and especially their family) down is knowing that the foreign partner is open to permanently settling down on China (Chinese parents are often afraid of their children leaving the country, living abroad and not being able to see them often). Also from my experience most foreign women don’t have extremely high expectations when it comes to owning a flat, car etc. before marriage; if you don’t value these things too much, I would also communicate that to him in a subtle way, it will lift a huge pressure from his shoulders. I think a lot of Chinese parents are just not used to the idea of their child dating/marrying a foreigner, so I would point out all the advantages that you can think of, to disperse their and his fears.  
 

Good luck! And I am exited to hear how it goes. 

[abcdefg]

One thing I've noticed over and over is that dating in China is often perceived as a prelude to marriage. Dating is seen as the first step; as "tryouts" for marriage.

[alantin]

On 12/5/2021 at 7:01 PM, abcdefg said:

Dating is seen as the first step; as "tryouts" for marriage.

 

Isn't that the definition of "dating"? ?

[nena.inara]

On 12/5/2021 at 2:40 AM, 道艺 said:

Does he speak English or do you speak Chinese (or both)?

I doubt anything will move quickly but I will update if anything does happen  I have been learning Chinese for a while (still not so good) and we both speak good enough English. 
 

On 12/5/2021 at 7:45 AM, RedInkstone said:

if you don’t value these things too much, I would also communicate that to him in a subtle way, it will lift a huge pressure from his shoulders.

This is great advice, thank you! I will definitely try to communicate these things to him, it makes me sad that he might feel pressure like this. I have talked to him about my interest in living in other countries and experiencing other cultures. Living somewhere permanently is more daunting, but not completely off the table for the right person. Not that we’re anywhere close to this stage yet ?

[道艺]

On 12/5/2021 at 8:45 PM, RedInkstone said:

(also owning to stupid media portrayals of Chinese men

Haven't you ever seen that commercial that plays every year with the Chinese guy bringing his laowai girlfriend home to his parents for CNY?

 

On 12/6/2021 at 2:27 AM, alantin said:

Isn't that the definition of "dating"? ?

Yeah but you know the system is a set of fragmented steps in the west. Dating is independent from long term commitment, which that is even independent from marriage. Not like here where it's a clear set of linked stages: acquaintances/in mutual social circles->ready to introduce you to parents/extended family->marriage on the horizon->kids not far behind

[amytheorangutan]

As an asian who grew up in Asia I can say that generally dating is considered much more seriously than say in the US, UK or Western Europe. 
 

I remember when I was young I used to get confused when I see couples break up in western films or TV because one of them has to go overseas for a year or two. In many asian countries it is more common to do long distance rather than break up. Commitment is often deeper in dating and relationships even before marriage.
 

I’m of course generalising a lot, but I believe there is some truth in it. 

[Lu]

On 12/6/2021 at 1:21 AM, amytheorangutan said:

As an asian who grew up in Asia I can say that generally dating is considered much more seriously than say in the US, UK or Western Europe.

This is my impression as well. In the US/Europe (generalising here), dating is much less serious, it's enough if two people like each other. More often than not, a dating relationship ends in breakup and then people are sad, but it's considered completely normal. In China, people more often date with intent to marry, so they often won't even start a relationship if they don't see it leading to marriage.

[道艺]

Yes, let us know when he starts calling you his Nena ?

[abcdefg]

On 12/6/2021 at 1:32 AM, Lu said:

In China, people more often date with intent to marry, so they often won't even start a relationship if they don't see it leading to marriage.

 

Yes, that's what I meant by my earlier comment. I tend to view dating as being mainly about two people who enjoy each other's company doing things of mutual interest, things that both people enjoy.

[Insectosaurus]

On 12/6/2021 at 1:21 AM, amytheorangutan said:

As an asian who grew up in Asia I can say that generally dating is considered much more seriously than say in the US, UK or Western Europe. 

 

Yes. I guess in most European countries dating would not be considered a first step to marriage by default.