She won't tell her parents

[phatjoe]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to these forums and am glad to have found them, as I am somewhat frustrated with my relationship with my girlfriend.

The problem is that she refuses to tell her parents about our relationship.

Presently, we have been together for almost a year, and she consistantly, many times to the point of arguing, refuses to tell her parents about our relationship.

We met during my last year of college, as she began her first, and we bonded right away. She told me from the beginning that it would be challanging and that she would have to keep our relationship a secret for years, until she graduated college - she was adament about this. I agreed to dealing with her terms of secrecy because I thought it worth while, and I still do, but I am struggling to deal with this one hard aspect of our secrecy: due to her living at home for 5 months out of the year I can only see her when she is at school, and due to the distance between my house and school it is only feasable to see her a few times a months.

We have tried to talk everynight,but the conversations are mostly one sided (me talking, her listening) as she really cannot talk too much, or even too loud because she doesn't want her parents to hear her on the phone. Most recently, she told me that I cannot call her because her parents now require her to have her phone on at all times with the ringer enabled, so that if I call, they would be alerted. They did this because they are suspicious of her.

I would like to know if anyone has any advice for me. Talking to her about it is tough because its a hard issue for her and it gets her stressed just talking about it, and my friends think I am foolish for even persuing the relationship.

I love this girl, and want to marry her, but I am having such a hard time trying to maintain my composure.

Thank you.

[roddy]

I'm assuming the family is Chinese. Basically though, you haven't got a Chinese cultural issue here, you've got an over-protective family issue, which could arise in any culture.

[trevelyan]

She isn't telling her family for a reason and she knows them better than you do. She isn't using them as an excuse to not spend time with you, so it sounds to me like she is just reasonably protecting both herself AND you from having to deal with the problems that informing them would cause.

My first reaction was that if she told them they would likely try to insert themselves into both of your affairs and cut down on her amount of freedom. You should trust her instincts and judgment on this one and stop making problems for your relationship.

[gato]

due to her living at home for 5 months out of the year

This part is confusing. Where does she live the other half of the year?

due to the distance between my house and school it is only feasable to see her a few times a month

You've already graduated? How far away do you live from the school?

We have tried to talk everynight, but the conversations are mostly one sided (me talking, her listening)

It seems that you've built the relationship up too much in your head and the communication a bit one-sided from what you've described.

[phatjoe]

gato:

she lives at home with her parents over school vacations, summer is 4 months and winter is 1 month.

Yes, I graduated 3 months ago, I live about 200 miles from her school.

[phatjoe]

good advice trevelyan,

I know it's tough but I'm trying to be a man about this and look at the greater good...she is a great girl and wants a future for us as much as I do.

It's awesome to find this kind of support.

Thank you for the quick feedback

[in_lab]

Telling her parents about your relationship might be a step in the right direction, but after you take that step, you can expect to take two steps back. What I mean is, in the long run, the parents are going to have to find out, but telling them will make things harder on both of you for now. Waiting until she graduates is a possibility, especially when the parents can threaten to cut off her financial support. Once she graduates and has her own job, she's still not free (being a Chinese daughter), but she will be a lot freer than now.

[phatjoe]

in_lab:

Can you explain more on how telling her parents will make it hard for the both of us. I'm curious to know.

[in_lab]

If her parents don't want her to have a foreigner boyfriend then they will constantly pressure her to break up with you. They may enlist the help of other relatives to tell her to break up with you. They may try to control her so that she has no opportunity to see you or hear from you. They may threaten her with things such as not paying her tuition if she sees you. Your girlfriend will probably have an idea of how likely these possibilities are, so you could ask her about these things.

[phatjoe]

Ahh, I never thought of that. That would be worse. I always saw her telling her parents as a means to an end of our stressful secrative relationship and the beginning of a normal relationship.

What do you think the odds of them being accepting of me are? I find it hard to belive that they would be bad, since they have been living in the US for about 15 years; most of the time spent living in white, suburban Maine, and having all their children brought up in 99% white schools. I would think that this would have made them more acceping of the white western culture, but she tells me that they do not trust white people.

Does anyone think that I could try and prove my self "worthy" I guess to date their daughter? Are there any parents out there who might have any suggestions?

[imron]

It's not just a lack of trust, there are also some Chinese who "want to keep their bloodlines pure", and are horrified that their children would even consider dating someone non-Chinese.

Fighting such concepts can be difficult, but not necessarily impossible.

If you haven't done so already, you might consider starting to learn Chinese, and learning more about Chinese culture. When you finally meet with her parents, it's little things like this that might go a long way. If nothing else, it will give you something to do when you're apart from your girlfriend, that at the same time will be bringing you closer together.

[phatjoe]

I can understand keeping bloodlines pure, even though I'm French, Irish, English and Scottish, so that makes sense.

I've already made efforts to understand her culture: we have watched chinese movies together many times, I have had her tell me cultural stories, explain her religion, talk about her family, we have been to Chinatown many times (not just the touristy places), she has helped me a little with Cantonese, alothugh I've taken it upon my self to learn, I've learned to cook some traditional dishes (her father is a cook) and I've done alot of research on her region - I'd even like to travel there with her some day.

I hope all of this will help my case with her family - I'm used to challenges and I'm pretty confident that they will accept me when they understand me.

Now that I have found this forum, maybe I can learn Cantonese a little faster by practicing with someone who might want to learn English better. I have a degree in English and took some education courses in college, so I would love to help anyone as thanks.

[Mugi]

For help with Cantonese specifically, you might want to check out this website.

Forums begin here.

[xiaoxiajenny]

Hmmm....Well...my advice: 这种事情能不让父母知道就不让父母知道！！ 你还挺积极地想让她父母知道你们的关系。 你傻呀？ Anyway, I think you are a nice guy. Good luck and take care!!

[KIWIBOY]

Sorry to hear this all to familiar story my friend. I am 37 years old and my partner was 28 years old. Ultimately, regardless of her age, the situation you described resulted in an extremely upsetting parting of us after 2 years of a fantastic relationship. The pressure from her family - father really destroyed the bond to the point we ended up arguing all the time. She ended up putting her fathers wishes first over her love for me which devastated me.

From a western culture, I could not see why a girl in love would put her father at such high a level that it would destroy the one thing that was so dear to me. I hope you can work it out but my suggestion would be to get this out in the open and clear the air or you might just be delaying the inevitable. I was kidding myself that her father would accept me and I felt so disgusting in the end that I ended up feeling like a victim of racism and it rot me to the core. What made it worse is that my girlfriend ended up on her fathers side with comments like, " I can't do that to my Dad" , "I can always find another husband, not another father !". She was a victim of being indoctrinated by her father and is his obedient servant even tho' she would never agree.

She now lives in a 1 bedroom flat in a high-rise building on her own in Shenzhen after living together with me for 2 years in NZ. She is so stubborn and hard that she just blocks out the past and totally ignores my love now because it is too painful for her to do otherwise. I feel so sad for her and us. Bear in mind that if you ended up marrying this girl it is very likely that your income would be expected to be pooled with hers and distributed to her family as well - they don't have a welfare system. I will be very careful next time with an asian girl but love is so blind.

[Fran & Gaz]

Hi Phatjoe and Kiwiboy, etal;

This is our first post. Given up on trying to put an avatar on for now. We felt compelled to write to phatjoe. Some of the advice given has been wonderful. I (Fran) am a 32 yr old Kiwi (Maori and English) and Gaz is a dinky Di Aussie and we are here in China for a year or more.

Gaz luckily has not experienced the anguish you have phatjoe, divorced 20 years ago he gave up on females until I came along:help

I, myself, however have. In my "love career" I have had relationships with an Iraqi, Lebanese, Polish, Vietnamese, German....all nations. Your position is a painful one. My father is 52 years old, recent Mr Universe and has been dating a Greek lady my age for 6 years and still is not "allowed" to be introduced to the parents.

You are in a frightfully tricky spot. In my experiences I "gatecrashed" one partners Easter Sunday gathering (he was 45 yrs old and still living at home) 'cos I was sick of the whole scene. I felt like an outcast. And you know what? It was all in his mind. They were Polish ( so is my step father and bros and sisters) and his sisters-in-laws were Asian so it wasn't a bloodlines pure thing (i.e: partner must be Polish)...it was all in his mind. The family were lovely to me for the 7 hours I stayed there.

In many ways it is your partners selfish-doing. It depends where she is in the family, too. I've found (mind you its with males) the eldest son or the youngest son have the real difficulty in saying, "This is my partner, I love her and that's the way it is"in race relations.

It can be apprehension/fear of: being left out of the Will, no college funding, having to grow up and omigosh PAY RENT, upsetting one of the parents (not necessarily both), being ostracised, etc. In the end though, due to cultural and/or psychological differences: that person has not matured in their identity enough. You may even find that despite what you may think, she may not want to marry you (you aren't what she envisioned for herself or thinks her family envision) and she can be just in it for a good time at the moment. However your quarrels are making it less of a good time.

If you really want to see this through: organise counselling (possibly religious if you are that way inclined) from someone of her nationality and of yours, consider "gate-crashing" the family in a friendly way and socialise with other bi-racial couples to get her used to the idea.

I was with my Lebanese partner for 8 years. After so much grief, I moved on and his parents organised an arranged bride and he picked her up in Lebanon. I speak from experience. STAY STRONG. See you.

[bewolff]

some parents don't even want their daughters to have boyfriends when they are at university. many college students don't even consider having a boyfriend until they are juniors or seniors. It is even the prevailing idea these days that if they do have a boyfriend or girlfriend in college it will end after graduation, that these relationships are not made to last. this is a change from the whol boyfriend means marriage concept.

You need to not be in a hurry, unless you are in some kind of a hurry for a reason. In which case you need to see that she just is not ready and move on. Just graduated...take your time. Most Chinese people want to marry around age 27.

[owen]

I know matters of the heart are hard to map logical thinking onto, but i think in a situation like this thats how i would approach it.

You accept her and her father's ethnicity. Her father does not accept yours (even though he has decided to bring his family to 'your' country). Her father is a big ol' ignorant bigot, and unless he undergoes a major paradigm shift having him a part of your life, known or not, is gonna leave you with a constant hangover. Therefore i think it's ultimatum time. Ask her how important her racist father is to her.

[ipsi()]

PhatJoe said: "What do you think the odds of them being accepting of me are? I find it hard to belive that they would be bad, since they have been living in the US for about 15 years."

I can say, from second-hand knowledge, that them being in the US for 15 years doesn't mean anything. One of my Chinese friends decided that it would be cool to bring home this boy she liked (Admittedly, this was a few years ago, and she was pretty young), and her parents were not happy.

Dunno if they went ballistic or not, but from what I understand, it didn't go well. Of course, all that meant was just not taking him home. One other instance would be when one of my other friends called up to talk to her about something (they're not attracted to each other, far as I know), and her mother answered the phone, took it to her, waited for the duration of the conversation, and then interrogated her about who it was, why he was calling, etc.

Her parents are really nice people apart from that, and don't mind us white-faced people at all. But if she, or her sister, decided to marry a non-chinese guy, I think they'd be appalled. Anyways, just a bit of hearsay.

[ocpaul20]

Something I dont think anyone has mentioned is that when you have paid for your daughters education and are continuing to support her, you want your 'investment' to pay off in the future. She (and her husband) will be your pension, your health insurance fund, your future income when you cannot work any more. If having a boyfriend is going to make her unable to study hard because her mind is elsewhere, then obviously the parents want to ensure their daughter gets the best possible grades etc.

My mainland china chinese gf's neice is about to go to university next year and there is a rumour(!) that she has a couple of bf already. They are watching her very carefully to make sure her education does not suffer (further). If the chinese family live in a chinese culture within the US, then they are not 'living in the west' at all, but living in a small piece of China in the west. They probably live within a community of other chinese families and they all talk/gossip, they all judge each other, they all re-inforce the 'norms' of the chinese culture. You have to understand the culture to really understand the "horror" of it all.

Finally, I assume you are white, because dating a coloured guy for chinese is sometimes worse than dating a white guy. If you are coloured, then I should forget the whole thing because, in my opinion, you have virtually nil chance of being accepted by the parents.