Help me think through this please.

[emanrocks89]

Hi all,

 

I am looking for some life advice from fellow Chinese Americans. If you have 5 minutes, please read through this and help me with some of the troubles I've been having. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

I was born in New York, to middle class Chinese immigrants. My parents both completed their PhD in the states. When I was younger (~6 years old), my parents were convinced by one of their trusted friends that the Chinese education system is superior. So my dad left to Beijing with me so I can start school in China. I'd like to point that this trusted friend did not end up letting their child go through the Chinese education system themselves. 

 

The schooling in China was torture, I was constantly bullied and beaten up. First it was because I didn't speak Chinese well, then it was because I was feminine, then for my personality. My dad did not care to ask about my experience, all he cared about was my grades and school. I was forced to go to weekend school, I don't think I ever had a weekend off to do the normal boy stuff. Certain times, when I get bullied at school and get bad grades, I thought my dad would actually kill me when I get home, the bike ride home was like eternity. When I make a mistake on an exam, I was often required by the teacher to copy the wrong word 500 times (just that word!), we were asked to recite Mao's literature, the history classes are extremely political and one sided, even the math problems were mostly memorization. To give you some context of what I was going through, when I was 13 years old, I thought dying was better than what I was going through, so I stood outside my window on the 17th floor, but I was afraid to jump because I thought the death might be too painful. So I had a bite out of my nanny's weight-loss soap bar (yes, those were a thing) in hopes that I won't wake up the next morning. I woke up the next morning fine. Later on I wanted to see how life pans out so I forgot about it.

 

I transferred to an American high school during 11th grade, because my parents wanted me to go to an american university. When I took the SAT, I of course got a 800 on math (chinese education focuses on math), the reading and writing scores were embarrassingly low due to my time in China. I did get into a 20-30 raking liberal arts college, but it's not my dream school. College was a bit of a struggle, when I first arrived, I couldn't make eye contact with anyone due to the low self-esteem and confidence thanks to my time in China. It was an extremely difficult transition for me. And it is also this time when I find out I'm practically disabled academically, I can't do political science (what I've always wanted to major in) due to the lack of english skills and american history knowledge. I was basically set up to major in science, which is what I didn't want to do. I ended up doing science and now I'm in the working force. But something isn't right, I keep thinking what I could have been if I had grown up in the US, I could have played a sport (in China, my teacher cancelled all our PE classes for academic work), could have been taller due to the exercise I'll get, could have majored in something else and have been much happier. All these could haves left me extremely frustrated with my parents.

 

I am frustrated with my parents because of their inability to see that I was miserable in China. They made no effort of getting to know what I like or who I am, instead, they made me do everything they pictured me to be. They thought everything that the teacher said in China was right, even when the teachers made me copy useless materials , cancel PE classes, or recite political poems that were used to prosecute the innocent (victims including their own parents). I am extremely frustrated at how blind they were.

 

But I also understand, they wanted me to be successful. And their action may come from a place of love but tainted by their own ambition. However to this day I am still suffering from the consequences of their action. I've built a life independent of them and only talk to them once in a while. But as their retirement dates approaches, I feel the need to become close with them. Unfortunately, every time I pick up the phone, I find myself unable to forgive what they've done to me. Some days I sink into this deep depression just thinking about the past, even with the anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor. 

 

I want to hear your thoughts on my situation, considering most of you come from a similar background. What have you done to overcome obstacles that your education in China may have brought upon you? What do you deal with parents who are blinded by their own ambition and made your life unbearable? Please let me know your thoughts.

[li3wei1]

I'm not Chinese-American, and I wouldn't consider what my parents did to me to be torture, so take this with however many grains of salt as you like.

 

Everyone has parents, and none of those parents are perfect. Some are rich, some are poor, some are smart, some aren't, some are crazy, some are concerned about their child's future, some are more concerned about the present, or their own happiness. They all make mistakes. If you become a parent yourself, it will be easier for you to understand what your parents went through.

 

We all get some good things from our parents, and some bad things. We also get good and bad things from many other sources: teachers, friends, people in the community. Some people grow up on garbage mountains in the Philippines, some people grow up in castles in Germany. Some people lose their parents very early on. At some point, you have to stop blaming everything, or most things, on your parents, and say, 'this is what I've got, it doesn't matter how I got it, what can I do with it?' and do what you can. You don't have to forgive them, you don't have to talk to them, but I suspect that it might make things a little better if you try both things. Explain how you feel, don't expect anything in return, like an apology or reparations. Listen to them, and try to understand them. Know that there isn't a whole lot they can do now to make things good.

 

It sounds to me like they did what they did out of love. Your dad, with an American PhD, left his wife and moved to China to supervise your education. Maybe he had other reasons, but that sounds like a sacrifice to me, whether or not it was a well-informed one.

 

Also, I don't think more exercise would have made you taller.

[Indie92]

Obvioulsy I am not Chinese American, 

 

 

However I had a very strict mother, heck black parents are notorious for "beating" kids. I think its a conditioned practice from slavery because we are very stubborn people. I grew up in a single parent home (typical) as my father left me behind to chase his own happiness and my mother married another man. However she was my primary parent. From a young age the importance of an education was literally beaten in me. I was terrified of bringing bad grades home, heck even when I was the top of my class i got "oh BUT you got  B in English and History, this could be better". The punishment wasn't long lasting as the high performance became my norm. I couldn't attend private school, because we were poor.. (obviously). 

 

A life like this has bred its share of psychological scars and emotional problems for sure...I had juvenile depression from 10 to 19, I dont see breeding and relationships as an option etc etc...I wont blame my mom for trying to make sure I could fend for myself. Yes many things I would hate her for if I could actually remember them as I have selective memory issues but I never forget information.

 

We all have some sort of horror story about parents or the lack of a parent. I agree @li3wei1, talk to them, its obvious through the pain that you still love them. As you are concerned about their retirement. Just speak to them, tell them how you feel and really and truly don't expect an apology. Many parents, flaws and all, believe that they did the best for their kids..my non existent father included.

 

Instead of looking at the pain of another life time, try looking at what your childhood has afforded you. If my mom didn't push me, I could have been a text book stero-typical Afro-European, with a kid and a baby daddy and all that ridiculousness. Instead I am waiting to hear back from my embassy with confirmations about the scholarship (which i qualified for). I can articulate,  a skill that is lost in translation with the Ebonics and the problems and issues that will arise from my skin color and ethnicity, I have an awareness of them enough to address them when they happen. I have a future. I can escape the small circles of poverty. 

 

It may be hard but talking to them will be the first step in healing yourself. Try to move on, it sounds like you are still allowing this to shape you into what you do not want to be, which is unhappy. 

[Goshujinchama]

I think that if I lived in the US I could have been taller...

 

Wow, that pretty much says it all. 

 

I wouldn't say everybody but there are more children with a shitty childhood that you can even dream in your philosophy, Horatio.

 

I don't blame my parents, I blame the retards who bullied me. 

[rayne]

I'm Chinese Canadian.

 

I'm surprised that your parents believed that the Chinese education system was superior and actually went back to China for the sake of your education. Every Chinese person I know came to Canada primarily for their child's education. A lot of people I knew came to Canada to do university and went back to China/Hong Kong and were more or less guaranteed a job because of their Western degree. 

 

I have an older brother and my parents obviously valued him over me and I suffered greatly because of that. My brother grew frustrated early on in elementary school and took out his frustrations on me. He physically and emotionally abused me and my parents knew it but they choose to ignore it, pass it off as sibling rivalry, etc. because they didn't want to admit that they had a troubled son. 

 

I was smarter than him and I was forced to hide my achievements by my parents in fear that it would anger him, which I agreed to do since he would have beaten me up for getting straight As. Heck, he beat me up for freaking folding the laundry better than him. 

My parents never praised me, and their faces always went dark when I achieved something. I can still remember their sigh of frustration and my mom pointing her finger at me and whispering to me to not let my brother find out about getting good grades on my report card, winning a scholarship for my university, getting multiple awards at my high school graduation... 

Ugh, thinking about all that reminded me that on my birthdays we would always go to the restaurants that my brother liked. To this day, I still hate my birthday.

 

I moved all the way to South Korea and one of the primary reasons is to escape my brother's abuse and my parents' negligence. When I had announced my decision and started packing, that was when I finally saw the look of fear in their eyes. They have relied on me so much throughout their lives (they are not fluent in English so I do a lot of important things for them because my brother doesn't do any favors and gets frustrated at bills and taxes).

When I call them from Korea, they say they'd like it if I would move back... but I'm not so sure if it's because they really miss me as a person and their daughter or if they miss the things I do for them.

 

I don't know your situation 100% but there is a possibility that your parents are like mine. Maybe they DO noticed that you were miserable in China but maybe they made a sacrifice by moving back to China and need it to be worth it. Maybe they failed in New York so they used you as an excuse to go back. For some reason, they needed you to succeed in your education in China. If you fail, it means they made a mistake and they're too prideful to face this reality. 

 

My parents ignored the abuse because they were too scared to face the fact that they have a troubled son and if they even try to talk about it or solve the problem then they might find out that his violent behavior could be because of them. (I personally don't think it's because of them.)

 

I am a teacher in Korea in a school filled with troubled kids. I have one student who has SEVERE ADHD and when he takes medicine, he's just like any other kid (still a bit loud, still goofs off, but at least does his work). When he doesn't take medicine, he is practically convulsing on the floor and slamming himself against the walls and running around the halls screaming happily during class time. But his mom gives him complete control on whether he wants to take his medicine or not (which he rarely chooses to) and when his homeroom teacher calls her, she says it's not the ADHD, it's just his unique personality. 

 

Another student swears at his classmates constantly and draws obscene cartoons in his notebooks. His mother just tells us that we must be mistaken because her son doesn't even know any swears. When she sees the notebooks she claims it's impossible to prove that the notebooks are his and her son is too innocent to be able to know what those pictures mean, let alone draw it.

 

These parents pretend that these behaviors are normal or just a phase because if they try to solve the problem, it means they created the problem (some weird logic parents have) so they ignore it and hope that it'll eventually go away.

 

And I'm not sure if your parents would have been much different if they kept you in the US. In a way, I was lucky to be ignored by my parents because they didn't force me into extra tutoring or weekend classes. But so many of my ethnically Chinese friends had to take those classes + an array of music lessons and did summer courses, etc. And in university they are forced into science or business majors. 

 

I'm like you... I don't think I can ever forgive my parents for neglecting me and turning a blind eye towards my brother's abuse. As long as they support him, I cannot even begin to think about repairing our relationship. But my relationship with my parents improved when I moved because they definitely miss me... but like I said, I can never know for sure if they really miss me as their daughter and not because of how useful I am to them. 

[edelweis]

I'm not sure about PE and height. A quick google search of height+twins+separated shows that, at least, nutrition has an impact on height. It's quite possible that PE does too, but too much PE can negatively impact height (a doctor advised my gymnast cousin to train less often as a teen, because there were some concerns that it was slowing down her height growth).

Anyway no PE at all can't be healthy.

And nutrition in China is quite different from the US.

So I can totally believe that the OP would have been taller if he'd never left the US, but since he doesn't have a twin that remained in the US, we can't know for sure.

Anyway that's not the main issue.

I felt that the OP was exposing his history, not as a way to reject responsibility for his life, but as background for his current dilemna i.e. wanting to forgive/reconcile but having difficulty doing so.

Sorry, I don't have concrete suggestions about how to go about it...

[Shelley]

How will you feel once they are dead and you can not speak to them ever again. If you feel that you will regret not forgiving them and moving on to having a relationship with them then you need to do it.

 

If you feel your life will not be significantly affected by being unable to resolve things then don't forgive them, but be careful this unresolved thing seems to already be affecting you.

 

If you truly believe they did it out of love, then out of love, forgive them, not for their sake but for your sake. You are the one that needs to dump this baggage.

 

Once this weight is lifted from you, you will be able to look to the future with clearer vision and positive thoughts.

[gato]

emanrocks89,

I'm a Chinese-American, too, went through elementary school in China before emigrating to the US, and then came back to China about ten years ago when I was 31, so I can relate to some of what you say.

(Chinese basic education is good, particularly in math. The math education I had in Chinese elementary school stood me in good stead well into college, but you are absolutely right that there is too much memorization in other areas.)

It sounds like your parents (perhaps mostly your father) focused too much on IQ, and not enough on EQ, your emotional needs. I had similar thoughts about my parents at times. But let bygones by bygones. Most people have complaints for some things or others from their childhood. But you are an independent working adult now with a degree from a good college. The rest of your life is what you can make of it. Think about what you can do to bring more happiness to your life. For most people, that would involve friendships, romance, family, stable and satisfying career, good health, opportunity to engage in hobbies and interests, and so on.

I think your immediate need is to tackle your depression. Your depression may be causing to focus on the negatives in your life rather than on the good and what you can do to make things better. Depression is a disease, with both a biological and social/environmental basis. It's good that you are getting treatment and medication. That means you are taking it seriously and want to get better.

A few natural remedies to try to get better from depression:

(1) sports, particularly aerobic exercise to get the adreneline, endorphine, and dopamine going;

(2) company of friends;

(3) as much sunshine as you can get;

(4) early to bed to improve your sleep, try to eliminate cell phones and smartphones use after 7pm so not to disrupt natural production of melantonin;

(5) a stable romantic relationship and healthy sex life.

And try to reduce your intake of sugar and simple carbohydrates to prevent great fluctuation in insulin level. Not sure if that has an effect on depression (there might be a link with insulin), and it's a good general health tip.

[li3wei1]

Here's another way to look at the situation. Think about what their parents gave them. Then compare that with what they gave you. You have US citizenship, and are fluent in English as well as Chinese. Neither of your parents started with that, and it involved a great struggle on their part. Both of these things are highly valued by many people around the world. Your degree, which you regard as a booby-prize, is something that many people, including some of your more distant relatives, would regard as a lofty aspiration.

 

Whatever other bad decisions they made, or whatever they did to you, there is at least one thing you can be grateful for. I think most of us, when we look at our parents, can find both reasons to thank them and reasons to blame them. And they, looking at us, will find reasons to be proud and reasons to be ashamed or disappointed. By all means discuss the negatives with them, but don't forget the positives.

[knickherboots]

Yeah, maybe your life could have been better and your parents suck. Maybe they don't even love you. Who knows? But I do know that you can't change the past, and that being obsessive about it will not benefit you. Keep in mind what happened in your past and give it some attention. But don't let it control you. Focus on the present and the future.

[geraldc]

The Chinese emigrant nearly always has the sojourner mentality. They never expect to stay in the country they move to. They expect to return to China at some point (when they've made their money etc), it may not be them returning, but could be generations down the line. You may think you're American, but to your parents, you're Chinese.

 

If you want the next generation to be taller, move to Holland.

 

It's all about delayed gratification. You're not supposed to be happy in school, you're not supposed to be happy until you're old.

 

I think you just need to boost your confidence a little, and improve your self worth. If you want to study American history, go ahead and study it. There's only a couple of hundred years of it. Read one good book, and you'll have as much knowledge as an average high schooler. Watch documentaries Oliver Stone's untold History of the United States, and Robert McNamara's Fog of War are supremely watchable.

 

Were your parents raised in the US?

[TangMi]

I'm a German - sorry for bad English:

 

It may sound too simple for you, - but it does not make sense to think about something what cannot be changed anymore. 

You are that what you are now - and you should not think what you might have been under other circumstances. 

Better think about what you wanna be, - and be glade to be something special! 

For sure you got no decadent ideology, because you are grown up in China. and you know the western world too. That is actually a gift that you have not learned to appreciate - but you will one day...

Also you need learn to understand that your parents thought to do the right thing, regardless of whether they were right or not. 

You are the same and you will do the same: You have done and you will make decisions based on your state of mind. You can't do better!

 

Best Regards, TangMi