My Chinese fiance will choose his parents over me

[xuefang]

I'm Europian girl and I live with my Chinese fiance. We have been together for four years now and lived together ovet 1,5 years. We got engaged a year ago. Everything seems to be fine, but the problem are my fiance's parents.

They don't tolerate me because they want their son to date and marry a Chinese girl. They found out about us living together and getting engaged few months ago when fiance's brother argued with his parents and told them. Parents knew that we are together, but they didn't like that we got engaged. They want us to break up.

They have said to my fiance that they will move back to China (we are all living in Europe now) if their son is like that and against them. My fiance told me that he has been thinking about this situation and if he has to choose me or his parents, he will chooce his parents.

So what can I do? Do I just have to wait if or when the situation goes worse and my fiance leaves me? I don't want to break up whit him. I want to live with him forever.

I didn't know any other place to ask about this becaus the problem is that I'm Europian and NOT-Chinese and they don't accept that.

Any suggestions what I should do?

[gato]

They don't tolerate me because they want their son to date and marry a Chinese girl. They found out about us living together and getting engaged few months ago when fiance's brother argued with his parents and told them. Parents knew that we are together, but they didn't like that we got engaged. They want us to break up.

They have said to my fiance that they will move back to China (we are all living in Europe now) if their son is like that and against them.

The parents live in Finland and they are still like that? That's very strange. Ask your fiance to arrange a meal between all of you so you can get to each other better. Maybe they'll change their mind after meeting you.

[xuefang]

They have been living in Finland over 10 years and still they think like that. They would be more than happy to arrange a Chinese girl for him. I really would like to have dinner with them and get to know them better. I have met his parents many times at the beginning or our relationship and even before we started dating. Now I haven't met them for two years. But if I asked my fiance to arrange that dinner he wouldn't do that. He propapbly says that it's better to be quiet about that. He says that he don't talk about me to his parents because if he do they will argue and fight about that and my fiance don't want to argue with his parents.

There's another thing also. Fiance's grandparent ar old and, well, dying. Parents are now visiting them in China and I don't know how long. His parents are also dissapointed to his little brother because his girlfriend isn't Chinese either.

[dalaowai]

I wouldn't tolerate that if I were you. This is such a small hurdle that he should be able to overcome. What will happen in the future if you come across any difficulties?

I have a Chinese friend who divorced his wife a few years ago. His parents were outraged by this. He started dating a Canadian girl, fell in love, told his family about wanting to marry her. His parents, once again, were outraged by this. He gave them an ultimatum, either accept this or you won't be seeing any grandchildren. His parents refused to accept this, so he visits his family alone.

At the end of the day, your fiance is an adult and should be able to make adult decisions by himself.

[xuefang]

Earlier I tought that he would definitely chooce me if he has to chooce. So finding that out really hurt me. I could accept that if we still could be together. But I'm really afraid that some day his parents will move back to China or something and my fiance will follow them. He has said that he don't want to chooce and it take long time to decide it.

I't feels really hard to make the parents to like me. Exspecially about this situation and when my fiance isn't really getting me and his parents together.

[gato]

But if I asked my fiance to arrange that dinner he wouldn't do that. He propapbly says that it's better to be quiet about that. He says that he don't talk about me to his parents because if he do they will argue and fight about that and my fiance don't want to argue with his parents.

Sorry to say, but it seems that your fiance is a bit weak. Sons have much more leverage over parents than daughters do in Chinese culture. Your fiance would be able to convince his parents if he really tried. It would be very difficult for Chinese parents to accept losing a son (it's unfair, I know).

So relax a bit, and let time take care of things. If you truly feel that you are right for each other, then convince your fiance to hold on and I think you will be able to work things out with the parents. If you were a guy and your fiance were a girl, then it would be difficult.

[xuefang]

So relax a bit, and let time take care of things. If you truly feel that you are right for each other, then convince your fiance to hold on and I think you will be able to work things out with the parents.

Maybe I just have to wait. It's just hard for me to just wait when I can't do anything to help this situation. If my parents wouldn't accept my fiance I would chooce him. Maybe I just needed someone to talk about this because I can't talk about this with my friends.

[imron]

Sons have much more leverage over parents than daughters do in Chinese culture.

Especially if he's the oldest son.

But I'm really afraid that some day his parents will move back to China or something and my fiance will follow them

Threaten to go back to China with them

[xuefang]

Threaten to go back to China with them

I told my fiance that I would follow them to China. I'm not going to give up so easily

[imron]

Maybe I just needed someone to talk about this because I can't talk about this with my friends.

You might also be interested in reading these threads talking about similar situations:

http://www.chinese-forums.com/index.php?/topic/8977-dating-chinese-girl

http://www.chinese-forums.com/index.php?/topic/12-horse-horse-tiger-tiger-slang-and-idioms252

Although coming from another perspective (foreign guy, Chinese gal), they also contain information and advice about these issues.

Also, how well do you get on with your fiance's younger brother? If you are on good terms with him, then he might also be able to help persuade the parents. You mention the brother also has a non-Chinese girlfriend? So someday presumably he's going to be in a similar situation and may need the older brother's help. Plus, if nothing else, having his older brother pave the way will make things easier for him, so it's in his best interest to help out here. Maybe invite the younger brother over to discuss with you and your fiance all of these issues and the best way to resolve them. Pretending the problem doesn't exist, doesn't help solve anything.

[xuefang]

Also, how well do you get on with your fiance's younger brother? If you are on good terms with him, then he might also be able to help persuade the parents. You mention the brother also has a non-Chinese girlfriend? So someday presumably he's going to be in a similar situation and may need the older brother's help. Plus, if nothing else, having his older brother pave the way will make things easier for him, so it's in his best interest to help out here. Maybe invite the younger brother over to discuss with you and your fiance all of these issues and the best way to resolve them. Pretending the problem doesn't exist, doesn't help solve anything.

I get along pretty well with his little brother. We don't meet very often because we live in different cities. That's a good tip to talk to little brother. When my fiance's parents didn't yet know us getting engaged my fiance was afraid to tell them because he knew them will not like it. And I asked his little sister what should I do. She said that it's better to wayt because the parents have other to stress about too and it would be better to wait.

[floatingmoon]

xuefang,

I feel very sorry to hear what happen to you.

It's just hard for me to just wait when I can't do anything to help this situation.

Yes, I guess it can feels like "ants on hot pan" 熱窩上的螞蟻

I can only say: 兩情若是長久時，又豈在朝朝暮暮。

But if I asked my fiance to arrange that dinner he wouldn't do that. He propapbly says that it's better to be quiet about that. He says that he don't talk about me to his parents because if he do they will argue and fight about that and my fiance don't want to argue with his parents.

"...if I asked...." so have you ever try to ask??

It's hard to communicate...without seeing the parents. You don't know how much you know or dunno, about this situation. And you don't know how much they know or dunno.

Same as the parents, vice versa.

I think may be find out why they disagree. May be they fear they will loose the son (and future grandson), such as not able to see him again (or can only see very rarely), once you guys get marry. etc etc. These kinds of worries....

路搖知馬力，日久見人心。Use time and prove to his parents that you are a good choice!!

That's why I think is important for you to see his parents, at a certain time, otherwise how can they get to know you more deeply. And to found out what are their worries.

I wish you all the best!!

[Woodpecker]

I'm Europian girl and I live with my Chinese fiance. We have been together for four years now and lived together ovet 1,5 years. We got engaged a year ago. Everything seems to be fine, but the problem are my fiance's parents.

They don't tolerate me because they want their son to date and marry a Chinese girl. They found out about us living together and getting engaged few months ago when fiance's brother argued with his parents and told them. Parents knew that we are together, but they didn't like that we got engaged. They want us to break up.

1. How good is your Chinese? They might be objecting due to worries over the language barrier, or a question of familiarity as to customs etc. In a way, you probably have to meet them half way in your relationship. Show that you can see their point of view. It sounds like you need to have a closer relationship with your fiancee's parents before they consider you a worthy wife to their son.

2. If you can speak it, did you learn it to be with him? Again something in your favour. This would show that you were making more of an effort with him than the average European. Try and find ways to show that you are properly committed to him and aren't just going to dump him sometime in the future. Nobody wants a marriage to fail because the people involved made the wrong choices.

3. His parents should have foreseen the possibility of you getting engaged. Were they happy for you to be together as long as you weren't engaged? If so, you could try arguing that the only difference is that this time it would be permanent and if they are frightened of you taking their son away from them, well, see what can be done to allay those fears. Their concerns may not be as irrational as they appear.

[imron]

That's a good tip to talk to little brother

That was a tip given to me by my Spanish brother-in-law soon after I met him, and shortly before he married my sister And it's not just the younger brother it's all his siblings. If they all like you, then they will help defend you to the parents.

[trevelyan]

Best strategy when dealing with this sort of craziness is sometimes to procrastinate - avoid putting someone else in the situation where they feel they have to make a choice. 走一步看一步.

[trevelyan]

Disagree imron -- getting other members of the family on-board is a good strategy, but if she does it now it heightens the sense of dramatism around the fact that her fiance faces a "choice".

She needs to defuse the dramatism so it is less of a deal, not enhance it by talking to strangers (to her) about it.

[wannabeafreak]

This so wouldn't happen in Hong Kong.... where from China are they from? My wife's parents were more than thrilled to give their daughter to me

[simonlaing]

HI Xuefang,

My heart goes out to you aswell. My father-in-law (back in the day) hardly said two words to me for the first to years of dating. Even at big family gatherings like Spring festival.

First of all it is good to analyze the situation as understanding can help in difficult situations. The fiance's parents are racist and irrational in objecting to your engagement purely on the grounds that you are European. The fault is on their shoulders not yours.

Thus people need to show how irrational this fear is and demonstrate how it is wrong. In my case there was the stereotype that Western men were unreliable, slept around, and would dump the Chinese girl and leave the country after a very short time.

I broke the stereotype by staying with my Fiancee (at the time) and after awhile allowing the mother to live with us during the week. She saw how devoted I was and honest (a.k.a. didn't sleep around) and told the father.

There was a korean who married into the family and he treated her well even if the Wife had trouble working in Korea. This earlier experience also helped. I think it was the time of the relationship that was what pushed him to acceptance.

So use the brother and other relatives that like you to work on it. Also find out if one of the parents is more accepting than the other. (Usually the mother is closer to the son). If you can get one to openly accept it. That will help.

The other way is just work on your fiance. How old are you guys? If you're under 25 this could just be immaturity that he hasn't learned how to go against the parents. Often if his studies or living situation is financially backed by the parents this can also be difficult. Find out what are the reasons he listens to his parents. Blindly obeying them is a little irrational as well.

Finally it is possible that one of the parents won't ever accept you. My paternal grandmother is Irish Catholic and has disliked my protestant mother for 'turning' her son. She is 76 and still doesn't want my mother to come with my father when he visits them. It is likely that she won't come to my wedding later this year. Some people don't change.

You goal is tolerance (not parental love) and making sure your fiance chooses you.

Family issues are always difficult.

Good luck,

Simon:)

[monto]

I also feel very sorry to hear that.

In my opinion, though it may very painful to you, You should end the ralationship.

Some logics supports my opinion:

First, he is not a man (他不是个男人）as we Chinese often say. What he is doing actually have nothing to do with "Respects to Parents" we Chinese favour. He's still dependent on his parents psycoly, and most likely, financially too.

Five years of that relationship, and he still doing that kind of thing? I can be sure that he has no feeling of responsibities, or courage or even actual affection/love for you, or any of them.

He is not reliable, and I would not agree my daughter to marry such man if I had one.

I would apolygize If there is any word that hurt you,I don't mean it, I only want to be straight.

[imron]

and I would not agree my daughter to marry such man if I had one.

And if you had a daughter, and she went against your wishes and married such a man, would you think that this also "actually have nothing to do with Respects to Parents"