Married to a chinese woman

[roddy]

BTW I meant puppy.

That's probably a good idea. Foods from home can be very helpful.

As I think you're figuring out, two weeks isn't far. Make sure she's got people to take to and do stuff with, and some kind of useful work-like activity, and you're on your way.

[skylee]

That, and I let my girlfriend call home to her parents every day if needed. After all, we're not made of money to be sending them back to their hometown every couple months or so just to see their family.

"let".

[renzhe]

rezaf, I guess that you haven't seen much.

A university classmate of mine was so depressed after arriving to Germany that she left the programme and went back two weeks after arriving. Only a few people have ever actually met her. Another guy left 6 months later after deciding that living in Germany definitely wasn't for him (he was South American, he found the city and the people too cold).

Living in a US city is very different from living in China, even if there are many Chinese people living there. The Chinese people in the US are not the same as Chinese people in China either, and having trouble with the language also plays a huge role.

You can't compare a bunch of young adventurous students who have always wanted to go abroad and party to someone who maybe didn't want to leave home in the first place, has no concept of what life will really be elsewhere, or who had completely different expectations when arriving. People are different, they react differently.

[Lu]

I think men can handle it better then women can. (I'm not being sexist here)

I doubt that. It seems to me that in the world, it's usually the women who migrate to find work in different places, and the men who stay behind and wonder who they are supposed to marry now. The fact that you are in your country and your wife not in hers only illustrates that. If you think you can handle it better than she, why are you two not in China in the first place?

[rezaf]

Yeah maybe you are right. I know that some European countries are very cold,I mean culturally . I have been to some of them. However I have always had the impression that Americans are very lively and outgoing people. Some of my Cousins are American and when they come to Iran they make everyone crazy of the time they spend outside and on the phone.

There is something special about the first two weeks in a foreign environment. I remember it was the best time of my life. No one could speak English and I had to play pantomime to communicate with people.

[renzhe]

I remember it was the best time of my life. No one could speak English and I had to play pantomime to communicate with people.

I'm addicted to that feeling, and I've been through the process many times.

But I also know that there are people who are terrified by this, and cannot take the pressure.

Most people are somewhere inbetween. Excited by the new environment, but sad and lonely at the same time. After a while, they get used to the new environment.

[rezaf]

I had arrived early and there were no foreign students or teachers for the first two days. At first I didn't know where the canteen was an after I found it I didn't have a 食堂饭卡 to eat。I just drank milk and ate some biscuit for the first two days. When I arrived in my room there was no electricity and therefore I used my dictionary and made my first Chinese sentence: 我没有电！I felt like passing the HSK after that sentence:mrgreen:.I remember that it was freezing the first night and I didn't have a blanket and I didn't know how to turn on the 空调。 I went out to find someone but it was too late but finally I found a Chinese student on the street who could speak a little bit English and he rescued me.

[imron]

Some people enjoy experiences like that. Other people are terrified by them

[wayne972]

To Roddy

So you like Puppy? (sh)

I have been trying to keep her busy by getting freinds over and taking her places. I just can't nor would I want to twist her arm to make her move if she doesn't want to go anywhere. How do I get her to move from the apartment?

To Skylee

She talks to her freinds and family everyday. She uses a meesaging service on her computer and it phones for free. Communication is not a problem in this case.

To Renzhe

Yes people do handle things differently. But European culture and Chinese culture I think you would agree are two very different things. As for her in a new country I expected problems and I constantly asked her if she was okay with coming to america. She always replied Yes. Now she admits she never did any homework. Now its a problem.

To Lu

I didn't mean to offend! I just think women tend to be more emotionally involved in relationships and all the aspects surrounding those relationships. Thats All!

I would love to live in china and since traveling there I have to admit I have seriously thought about moving out of the country someplace else. I just have major ties here for now and the timing is not right. (This is where you say so did she) Ahhh! But theres the rub. She was and is a butterfly able to go where she wants when she wants. Me? I have many things holding me here for now!!

To Rezaf

I have not been to Europe but I plan to go someday. Still I cannot comment on their Social systems and societies. Seems to me though it can get very cold physically. So I think I'll stay around the Medditeranian(Unless she wants to go elsewhere)..

[rezaf]

Don't underestimate Puppy. One day I was out with my Chinese and Korean friends. Two of them were staring at the Puppies a street vendor was selling. I thought that it's the cute little Puppy thing but one of them said 好吃！(delicious!)

[LaoLiang]

Being optimistic, she might be going through a culture shock which is quite common.

While she was living in China, did she work and had her own place or did she live with her parents? How old is she?

[Lu]

I didn't mean to offend! I just think women tend to be more emotionally involved in relationships and all the aspects surrounding those relationships. That's all!

I would love to live in China and since traveling there I have to admit I have seriously thought about moving out of the country someplace else. I just have major ties here for now and the timing is not right. (This is where you say so did she) Ahhh! But theres the rub. She was and is a butterfly able to go where she wants when she wants. Me? I have many things holding me here for now!!

Seems you're missing something here. If you're the one with ties holding you here and bad timing, and she is a 'butterfly' with no such ties who can go whereever she wants, then how come she's homesick now?

If you don't want to offend, then don't say things like 'men are better than women at ...', unless the ... is 'peeing standing up'.

Either way, I wish the two of you the best of luck, and make sure you talk to her about her feelings and what you yourself can do to help her.

[yonglin]

I would think it's cultural shock more than anything else. My experience is that when just moving to a different country, one tends to become very, very tired. For instance, sleeping ten hours per day and a bit of apathy is nothing out of the ordinary.

I think that the most important thing now is to get some structure in her daily life. If she cannot work, driving lessons, voluntary work, church activities, etc. would all contribute to creating a sense of "structure".

I think that you should give her at least one year to adjust into her new environment, preferably without visiting friends back in China or visits by them to the US. Cultural "shock" (or, "adaptation") is quite a longish process. Often it will involve one or several (shorter) periods during which you really hate everything about the new culture. During such periods, you really need some support from good friends. Having a "structure" or social network on such occassions is of course very helpful. It is crucial to keep in mind that this is a very natural and often even necessary stage of cultural adaptation.

[bamboo]

I had a golden retriever once. I took her for long walks on the beach. It doesn't make much sense to keep her in the house even though my beach front apartment was quite spacious by Hong Kong standards.. Well you know lots of quiet walks that sort of thing. Doctor's checkup is also important.

[wayne972]

To Lao Liang

I have been trying to be as optimistic as I can be. She seems to be doing better these days. She is still on china time I think. She sleeps late and goes to bed late but I think she is starting to get into a routine now.

To Lu

I know Im a sexest chauvenist pig. As usual you tell a woman what sciance has learned and they don't offer anything but its the mans fault. (I bet you never heard of reverse chauvenism) Its okay though everything else wrong with this world is my fault too... Hole in the ozone. That was me! Global warming? Yup! I did it that too...

To Yonglin

I know your right Yonglin. It is a lot of culture shock for her and I have tried to get her involved with outside activities. As soon as she came to america I had her out and meeting chinese immigrants to america in this area so she could speak her language and make freinds. I have joined a chinese church and last week we helped it move into a new location. So she is getting involved in things and she even met a freind with a chinese wife and a year old baby girl so she got to dote on her this weekend also...

To Bamboo

I am trying to get her out of the apartment but she isn't used to the climate here in florida yet. She says its hotter then in Zhongshan and I believe her. It gets hot here. But I keep thinking of places where to take her and what she might like. It's a good thing we have a few museums in the area. They are a good place to spend an afternoon on the weekend in airconditioning.

For everyone

Things are a lot better. We went to see a lady who has handled immigration for twenty years and she explained a lot to her. The woman is originally from Vietnam but can speak cantron and is very knowledgable. Not just about immigrattion but how she is feeling also.. I am a blessed man to have so many people surrounding supporting and helping myself and my wife. You people are included in there too...

[renzhe]

Forgive me if I'm making the wrong conclusions here....

but apparently, your wife doesn't speak (good) English, cannot leave the house on her own without a chaperone, sits at home depressed every day and doesn't want to do anything. Sounds like she was totally unprepared for coming to the US.

If she can't handle a taxi to go anywhere, how do you two communicate? Where did you meet and how did that work? What did you do while you were together? How long have you known each other? From your posts, it doesn't really sound like you know your wife at all.

Because, if this is one of those mail-order bride jobs, chances are it will only get worse with time, not better.

[lilongyue]

C'mon y'all, cut the guy some slack. I've known timid foreigners who, upon arriving in Asia, are scared to strike out on their own, and only do so with other foreigners. Not to mention that culture shock comes at the beginning of one's stay in a new country, and doesn't mysteriously appear three months after. If someone is to feel disoriented, uncomfortable, home-sick and out of place it will happen right after arriving. I don't think that the reaction of wayne972's wife is that strange. Everyone is different, adapts differently, and many people aren't cut out to live abroad. Most Americans never leave the U.S., but there are hundreds of thousands of Chinese living abroad. She probably just needs more time. I hope everything works out for you wayne972, and that your wife can adapt. Good luck with your marriage.

[Scoobyqueen]

I agree with the points made by Renzhe.

Moving to another continent is a big decision, especially where no expatriate deals are involved:wink:. When couples move abroad together there is usually some common planning involved which seemingly absent in this case.

[liuzhou]

This thread is turning quite ugly and offensive. Making personal comments like that is not acceptable.

From every description of the person in question' s condition, it is clear that she is simply suffering from culture shock. That's normal.

[renzhe]

It was really not my intention to offend, which is why I apologised at the very beginning of my post.