Should I keep studying Chinese?

[Meng Lelan]

She told me that she is going to be depressed until I return and won't even go to school in the Fall because she is going to be unhappy.

Her dependence on you for her personal happiness is creating enormous pressure on you that does not bode well for the future. Now that I think of it, what's going on between you and your girl doesn't really have anything to do with China. It's what you do that has to undergo her approval and create her happiness. That is huge pressure on top of your already huge pressure of your current situation.

The forums here can only provide some support to you for now, but professional help and counseling is what you are going to need to really get through this. Make sure it is licensed and professional help that you are going to be getting because amateurs like us can only haphazardly guess and conjecture, no good for the two of you.

[Don_Horhe]

I'm sorry to say so, but to me, your girlfriend sounds a bit selfish and not very thoughtful. It's one thing to state what you like/don't like and talk about it, while posing ultimatums is totally different.

[renzhe]

I don't know about that.

Moving to China out of the blue is a big thing. It's understandable that many people wouldn't want to do this. It's a huge change that requires a strong interest in the target country, something most people on this forum share, but most people out there don't.

[SunDaYu]

We've been talking and, for now, I don't think I have anything to worry about. We're both just under a lot of pressure from a ton of different things right now and the relationship pressure alone is enormous.

Thanks for all of the advice.

[Lu]

That might be the case in the future. She said that if she had to choose between being without me at home or being with me in China then she would choose China. She has never been here, doesn't like 3rd world countries, doesn't like the language because of how it sounds, and doesn't like the culture.

She said that I "can do whatever I want," but I know it's going to make her unhappy. She told me that she is going to be depressed until I return and won't even go to school in the Fall because she is going to be unhappy.

I have been in China for half a year before, but I was in the middle of nowhere and got depressed. When I returned to the US I learned how much I really missed China. So now I'm back, in a much bigger city, and there is a lot of pressure here to study and make every moment count, but I am also getting pressure from my gf to spend any free moment with her. The result being that I am sleepy and exhausted all the time and all together too gloomy to talk to anyone. I have spent the past few days in my room studying or talking to her.

I also have trouble making Chinese friends. I don't know if I am just being too shy or something, but I can't seem to make any. I had this same problem before...

Don't know if it's any use since you already talked to your girlfriend, but here's my take nonetheless: This does not sound good. Her telling you that she'll be unhappy until you get back is basically emotional blackmail, not nice. You have a life, she has a life too, her life cannot completely depend on your presence.

You do need to make sure you spend some time with her, while you're away (and I'm sure you want that, too, since she's your girlfriend), but you also need to get out of your room and into the city. Dinner with friends & acquaintances is a good place to start (you need to eat anyway). I think you wrote you've only been in China for a few weeks, so give yourself some time to make friends, and don't be afraid to make friends with some foreigners (classmates or others) first, it's easier (as foreigners will generally be just as friendless as you are), and life is always better when you have a little social life to build on.

I hope you have worked things out a bit, or can work things out, and have a good time in China from now on, and more good times with your girlfriend later!

[JenniferW]

Some of the things Meng Lelan said are similar to my own past experiences.

I started to learn Chinese in my 20s, when I was an undergraduate studying linguistics at a British university. This was around the time of the end of the cultural revolution, and at the end of my course there was a chance to spend a year in Beijing studying Chinese full-time. For me, that meant a decision between Chinese and my partner at that time, who had no interest in going to China - nor anywhere else, actually. I decided to stay in the relationship.

Years and years later I went on my own to visit China. By then I was with a different partner. That one wasn't even interested in looking at the photos I'd taken - and I'd come back knowing I wanted to go to China again. Not surprisingly, that relationship eventually ended in divorce.

So, in my 50s I was single, and I decided to go and work in China, and around 25 years after the original Chinese lessons, started to learn it all over again, and am still doing that even though I've now retired and returned to the UK. (And I've just taken my first HSK exam.)

I think your decision will make itself. All relationships entail compromise and a big sorting out of your priorities - short and long term. But if it's any help, giving up Chinese now, because there's no short-term need to carry on with it, doesn't mean it won't come back into your life at a later stage.

For me, decisions have meant deciding what to do with all the books, dictionaries, etc, I'd acquired each time I was learning Chinese. My advice is don't throw any of them away. Put them in a box and store them away somewhere. They may end up just as souvenirs, mementos, but it leaves you feeling you've not completely closed the door on all this just yet. I did throw books out, and now wish I hadn't even though much better learning materials are now available.

[abcdefg]

I have been in China for half a year before, but I was in the middle of nowhere and got depressed. When I returned to the US I learned how much I really missed China. So now I'm back, in a much bigger city, and there is a lot of pressure here to study and make every moment count, but I am also getting pressure from my gf to spend any free moment with her. The result being that I am sleepy and exhausted all the time and all together too gloomy to talk to anyone. I have spent the past few days in my room studying or talking to her.

I also have trouble making Chinese friends. I don't know if I am just being too shy or something, but I can't seem to make any. I had this same problem before...

I re-read you last post, quoted above, and realize I would be remiss in not pointing out that it sounds to me like you are already clinically depressed and need professional help right now. You are describing several key symptoms and have a history of having had such "hepless, hopeless" feelings before. Perhaps it’s just a situational slump and you will pull out of it on your own over time. And perhaps not.

How is your sleeping? How is your appetite? Have you had thoughts of harming yourself? Many tough questions need to be asked and answered in private with a skilled therapist. This is not about learning Chinese any more; this is about your mental health. I’m not joking.

[SunDaYu]

You're right, I do have a history of depression and it got really bad when I was in China. But it got bad for stupid reasons that I don't have to worry about anymore. However, I hadn't experienced any depression since I was in America. I don't normally have it here either.

The source of my depression is solely from my girlfriend. She understands that she is making me stressed out and I have to tell her everyday not do act a certain way or say certain things because it will stress me out. She doesn't want to stress me out, but sometimes she likes it because it shows that I really miss her. It makes her happy for me to talk with her, but it really just stresses me out. I have classes to study for and I don't want to get brought into an internet based lifestyle--I'm too independent for that.

My sleep has been awful recently--but it was in China the first time too. It also doesn't help that I'm in a very small room with little room to stretch out.

Overall, I think it's just getting worse, for the both of us. She messages me all the time saying when she is at her computer and despite my telling her to stop acting a certain way or to have fun where she is, she is becoming more needy and more demanding. The slightest thing will make her sad, but unlike me, she gets over it relatively easily.

I tend to worry about things for prolonged period of times until it is resolved--one of my faults. But it just makes it worse here because I am trying to focus on Chinese and she is just adding unneeded pressure.

I'm probably just going to have to put my foot down...

[abcdefg]

Diagnosis over the internet is a pretty shaky proposition, so you should take what I've said with at least a half a grain of salt.

Is there a wise older teacher at the school you could talk to heart to heart? That might be a starting point.

Absent outside help, things might get worse before they get better. It's always difficult to assess how much of a current bad situation is due to outside factors and how much is an outgrowth of one's own make up.

Your predicament worries me.

[gato]

Overall, I think it's just getting worse, for the both of us. She messages me all the time saying when she is at her computer and despite my telling her to stop acting a certain way or to have fun where she is, she is becoming more needy and more demanding. The slightest thing will make her sad, but unlike me, she gets over it relatively easily.

Tell your girlfriend that you are having trouble balancing school, talking to her and sleep, and suggest that you two only talk on the weekends for the next few weeks while you try to get your sleep back to normal. If she's a considerate person, she will understand and give you some space.

Edited June 10, 2009 at 02:42 PM by gato

[Music&MeForever]

Well said, but what if she isn't?

I have been in China for half a year before, but I was in the middle of nowhere and got depressed. When I returned to the US I learned how much I really missed China. So now I'm back, in a much bigger city, and there is a lot of pressure here to study and make every moment count, but I am also getting pressure from my gf to spend any free moment with her. The result being that I am sleepy and exhausted all the time and all together too gloomy to talk to anyone. I have spent the past few days in my room studying or talking to her.

I also have trouble making Chinese friends. I don't know if I am just being too shy or something, but I can't seem to make any. I had this same problem before...

SunDaYu, I didn't realize your situation was so complicated, so I didn't post my view earlier, but basically I agree with most people here, there are plenty of opprtunities for a career with Chinese. But after reading posts #19/21/22/ 27/29 I'd like to add:

First: You must decide what is essential to you. If Chinese is what you like best then you shouldn't give it up, especially not in order to indulge someone else's whims.

Second: You don't really need a selfish girlfriend. If she started flinging ultimatums at you give her up! She is making you feel miserable, and you know it.

Third: Concenrate on what YOU need and what makes YOU happy. Then go for it! Just forget about all else. Be selfish! Look on life from a point of view that suits you best, think positive and you should be able to make it.

Making friends isn't easy but should try to overcome your shyness, try to find ways to socialize, it's entirely up to you. People around you will treat you differently if you learn to give more, don't just sit there and wait for friends to swarm around you! You came to China because you missed it very much. You're not going to let this chance pass you by, so wake up!

Your predicament worries me.

This sounds like a threat. Let's help the guy, not aggravate his situation.

PS Make sure to read my signature, and feel free to use it

[Meng Lelan]

SunDaYu,

gato's insight is very good.

You are enabling the girl by taking in her messages anytime and anywhere.

Turn off your cell phone and study. Limit talk time with her.

You are in China to be in China, not to be constantly answering and replying texts, messages, ultimatums, and emails - unless they are in Chinese, then that's good language practice for you.

And you answered your own question: "just going to have to put my foot down."

[Lu]

Second: You don't really need a selfish girlfriend. If she started flinging ultimatums at you give her up! She is making you feel miserable, and you know it.

What's more, she knows it too, and she should surely not want to make you miserable.

While it's only normal that she misses you and wants contact, neither of you should be tied to the computer. Set a set time every week (or several times a week, depending on available time) that you'll call, and then turn off phone & computer and enjoy your stay.