Understanding my Chinese Wife and her Family

[gato]

I know a number of people whose parents both speak very heavily accented (and occasionally grammatically incorrect) English, but have no accent whatsoever themselves.

What language do they speak with their parents?

[miss_China_so_much]

To prephil: I feel your pain from your post. It must be a really difficult time for you and your wife. How old is your baby? Is there anyone from her family with her? Postnatal depression is not uncommon. It must be extra difficult for your wife (having baby in a foreign country). How good is her English? Does she have friends here? Does your wife have any future plan if you are to staying in Ireland? In long term, it's important that she has her own life (life outside the family) otherwise she'd be very longly and would seek support from her family.

I am Chinese and I've been living in Ireland since 2003. If you or your wife would like a chat, please PM me.

Edited February 23, 2010 at 10:48 AM by miss_China_so_much

[yonglin]

What language do they speak with their parents?

English. Sorry, if I wasn't clear about that.

[chrix]

gato, I'm no expert on language acquisition, but I do dimly remember that the peer group indeed has more influence than the parents' speech habits..

[prephil]

Hi Prephil,

You're right, the situation you described is not uncommon. Something that no one has mentioned yet, and it might give you a different perspective on the situation...is postpartum depression. My Chinese wife had the "baby blues" after our first born, and like you two, we were outside China. So not only was she adapting to a whole new country, but she had all these changes going on in her body chemistry all the time.

The great news, Prephil, is that it's temporary. She will return back to normal, and probably you're already starting to see signs that she's cheering up. Understand that some of these unrelated 'issues' may seem bigger than they really are just of the transitions that she's going through after childbirth.

As for helping her get out of her shell - the best thing that happened to my wife was when she joined a local ESL class. Most of the students were Chinese and she made all kinds of Chinese friends. That really helped. Even if your wife's English is already perfectly fine, it might be an easy way to find some nearby Chinese friends. It worked for us, maybe it would help you too...

Good luck!

Sichuan

Hi there,

Yes agree with you re postnatal depression. I imagine the hormones in a woman's body are all over the place after a baby is born and take a while to settle back down. I'm just glad I'm a man and that we don't have to deal physically with pregnancy or the whole monthly cycle. I could write another thread on that but i'll just stick to this one. By the way, do Chinese people get any sex education or a talk from there parents around the age of 12-15 or anything at all?

Yes, I understand the situation is temporary and she is cheering up but the old signs of distrust are still there. I think it will take a lot of work and dialogue between the two of us along with counselling which we've booked to get over that barrier.

That's a great suggestion re the ESL classes. I must look into that or ask my wife if she'd be interested. Her English is good but she makes a lot of grammar mistakes. she took a Cambridge exam last year but didn't do great so she has an incentive to work towards something there. It would get her out meering people alright. thanks for that. Are ye in China now or elsewhere?

[prephil]

We love it. Now that we have 3, it's easier to think more.

I think the more you have the easier it would be to have more if you get my meaning. I’m still fascinated by the fact you have three boys. We were invited to an old couples home today. They live in a plush hotel called the Merrion in the middle of Dublin. Really fancy place. It’s like a house in a hotel really. Anyways, the husband in from England and the wife from Hong Kong. I believe he was a diplomat in his day. Not sure what she did but they live in Ireland for 6 months of the year and return to Hong Kong for the winter (too much rain here and wind, don’t get me started). Husband was telling us about the importance of girls in China – there is a saying that they hold up half of heaven and they are like a thousand pieces of gold, or something to that effect. Apparently in Guangdong the women are very good at fishing and are valued higher that boys. I told him your story about your cousing offering to swap his daughter with one of your boys and he was fairly stumped after that. I had to laugh.

I wish. Our oldest spoke mostly Chinese when we moved to America. He understands more than the other two, but doesn't speak much now

When we moved to the States, my wife focused on learning English, and practiced on the boys. I tried to get her to speak primarily in Chinese to them, but she ignored me. The boys are now learning some because all of their cousins (children of my wife's cousins) only speak Chinese..

That’s a pity. I would have imagined they’d all be fluent seeing as you both speak the language. That husband I was talking about asked how we communicate with our daughter. I speak English only (as it’s all I can speak bar a little bit of Gaeilge (Irish), little bit of German and of course some Chinese (yi dian dian). He suggested that we keep that up, i.e. wife only speaks Chinese and me only English and she’ll pick both languages up that way. In fact I’d like it to remain that way. I watched a tV program on BBC last year and it was about the really talented kids who had high iq’s and they were selected from all of Britain to perform in some talent competition. They were simply amazing. There was one young boy from Wales who could speak both Welsh and English. The Welsh dialect would be a distant relation of the Irish language. Anyway, he only spoke in Welsh to his mother and English to his father and it was very natural to him. I’d hope that our daughter can do the same.

Hospitals are shocking in China I think. My wife’s sister got an infection in her eye last time we were back and we visited her there. The bed was about 100 years old and the walls weren’t painted and it was just such a dirty, outdated building. I’m not one who is concerned about the aesthetics of a building like that but this was terrible. I didn’t visit the toilets but I assume they stank like every public toilet I was ever in in China. That reminds me on my disdain for public toilets there. Absolutely terrible places. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to them and their smell.

I can imagine a woman in labour trying to negotiate a stairs. Talk about stressful. When my wife was induced we walked around the hospital halls and used the elevator to change scenery. I remember we used to go on 15 minute walks and I’d be encouraging her saying “ok, 12 minutes to go, 8 minutes to go, You’re doing great. Breathe slowly. Here comes a contraction. Hold onto me. We’re on a flying lap this time – 10 seconds up on the last on”. I can’t imagine my wife walking down or up a stairs in that state.

Pity you couldn’t be there. Is that still the case in China, i.e. Dads not allowed to be present at birth?

[Alfie]

Sounds like your wife is a little different from mine ,a lot of it could just be her quiet personality with her family putting pressure on her thats causing her anxiety. My wife classes herself as half traditional and half modern girl .

 

My in laws are heading back to china in a couple of weeks ,they arrived 7th September last year . Out daughter arrived 30th September so she had Mum and Dad on hand for her 30 days of seclusion which is actually a really good idea ,dinner ,washing and cleaning help and special attention for Xinyi,no post natal depression and a chance for her to rest when she needs it and not become to tired .Baby is now 4 months and my wife has been back at work for a month no real problems so far .

 

Honestly with this being my second daughter we ( especially me) have had a free ride for the last few months .

 

You shouldn't be constantly sending money back to china to her parents though . Helping out in an emergency or a special birthday (we gave $6666 yuan to my father in law for his 60th) is one thing but not day to day otherwise you will do it forever ,people live to their income . Creates an life long expectation otherwise .

 

I speak only a few words of Chinese ,I mean very few . My wife wants me to make a greater effort but I tell her safer for me ,your dad cannot complain at me . Don't get me wrong he's ok and a nice guy and her mother is ok to .

 

My wife is 28 and I am 45,so a decent age gap since 2008 ,engaged 2009,married 2011 Her parents are 56 and 61 respectively . We have very similar personalities so we seem to suit each other well .

 

They are closer to family in China than my own family is and then there is the problem of face and this is where the house and car things come into play .

 

Her dad has already suggested  that they could look after Zoey in China seeing as we are so busy ,no chance! nice try though

 

But all things considered I would be happy for them to live in a Granny flat on a property just not in the same house ,not because there are any real problems but just because we need our own private space to. Family will always interfere or volunteer unwanted suggestions . Just ignore or say no bed consistent . Only two people make decisions about Zoey ,myself and my wife  . Her mum and dad are welcome to make all the "suggestions" they want .