On avoiding pitfalls of a very green Laowai while meeting grandparents in China.

[incertumterram]

Going to China in December for 2 months very excited.

 

But feel very anxious spending a week with beloved grandparents of my Cantonese boyfriend.

 

I would love some pointers from some people who have been there

 

1. About do's and dont's while spending time with the grandparents

2. What I can do to engage them and make them feel that I respect and honour them and their culture

3. How not to be a barbarian

 

Background:

Grandparents are both retired university professors (whole family all very skilled/ intelligent )

Living in Guangzhou

They somehow know about me already which is impressive I've only just met his parents

They are Cantonese 

Have been dating said lovely boy for about a year and a half

Said lovely boy is THE only grandson and has warned me that his relatives may be a bit racist 

On advice I've focused on learning mandarin with a smattering of cantonese 

 

( I don't trust the wider internet on this matter would be forever in your debt to help me out with this seeming minefield )

 

 

 

[fabiothebest]

I haven't been there yet, anyway I'll have to meet my gf's parents soon and I think it doesn't change much from parents to grandparents

Just behave, be respectful, be humble, don't boast yourself. When Chinese people receive a compliment even if they may deserve it, they say it's not true, because they don't wanna show arrogance. Besides accepting a compliment would be equal to stating that you are automatically better than someone else, then it wouldn't be respectful for that person The grandparents will like seeing how honest, respectful, responsible and ambitious you are. These are the main qualities you should have. Also observe good manners while eating. Finally it's probably advisable that you bring some gifts to them when you go there. I know it's not easy to decide what kind of gifts to buy anyway your bf can help you. When you speak, weigh your words, anyway unless your Chinese is very good, you won't be able to talk very much to them..let your bf help you and guide you and don't worry too much. Good luck!

[Lu]

There are a few threads here and there about meeting & getting along with the parents, those might be useful.

In general, bring nice gifts (ask the boyfriend for advice on what they'll like); help out as much as you can while there; and since they are highly educated, perhaps ask them to tell you more about the various interesting aspects of Chinese culture (and agree with them that Chinese culture/literature/etc is amazing & rich).

[xuefang]

I have been living in Guangzhou for 4 years and married my lovely Cantonese man few months ago, also lived with my in-laws for a year, so here are my tips for you.

1. Be the best version of you, but still be you.

2. Be polite as you would anywhere and help out with cleaning/cooking/prepping veggies if possible. They probably refuse your help, but show you want to help them.

3. Learn Mandarin/Cantonese words for grandmother/grandfather and some simple greetings like good morning. I speak in Mandarin with my in-laws, but try to study Cantonese as well to get more immersed to the family/culture.

4. Bring gifts for them. For example special products from home or health products.

5. Bring a photo album full of your family photos to show them and help them get to know you and your family better. This is also a great conversation starter.

The grandparents most likely want to know that you are going to be a good daughter-in-law and a wife to your future husband. But like I said in number 1, still be your self even you want to make a good first impression. As if everything goes well you are going to be family

These things came to my mind first, but feel free to ask any other questions

Welcome to Guangzhou!

[Ruben von Zwack]

I do not mean to sound provocative, but I find that the barbarian "Westerner" and the polite, quiet Asian are clichés that in reality do not necessarily apply.

Or, let's say different things are considered rude and polite, and they do not always overlap. You may find some Chinese do things or behave toward you in a way that you may find quite rude or surprising. I am not saying this to be negative, I love China and the Chinese. I spent a month in China last autumn, and I found the people to be lovely. It's just that I think when you have this notion of them being very polite by your own standards, you could be in for a culture shock or disappointment.

Another thing is, you may find yourself misunderstood or ignored or feeling offended, at least when the other person is not too sensitive, or if he/she has strong preconceived notions about "Westerners". I'm saying this because you mentioned that your boyfriend said his family might be a bit racist. It doesn't have anything to do with how educated the other person is, I have had very "simple" Chinese, like workers, being very sweet and sensitive towards me, and educated Chinese so insensitive and brusque, you'd think they were Russians
Again, I don't mean to be negative or provocative. Those are just my own top 2 "mine fields" where I personally found interacting with some Chinese can be a bit challenging at times.

[roddy]

Congratulations, Sara, and to your lovely Cantonese man!

[xuefang]

Excellent points Ruben von Zwack, even if Chinese parents or grandparents are showing their love and care, it might come out as rude to us Westerners. If my own mom would talk to me like my mother-in-law does, I found find it very upsetting, but do as the Romans do and so on. In a Chinese family words like please and thank you aren't used that often because they aren't needed as much. You are family, so why would we need to be so formal with each other?

 

Of course it's a different thing if the grandparents are a bit racists or have negative presumptions about foreigners or Western women for example. But I assume that your boyfriend knows what to do and you can follow his lead.

 

p.s. Thank you Roddy!

[ABA]

I would bring a present of fruit and tea. and to get over the RACIST part start a conversation talking about some good aspects of china, chinese culture that you do admire and dont talk about bad aspects unless they do first

[Johnny20270]

incertumterram， I don't think its necessarily a Chinese thing. Its just generally a difference in cultural and that you appear as different. It happens in every culture, everywhere in the world. When a white girl brings home a black guy the majority of white families will be uneasy about it in the UK. Same if a white guy brings home an Asian girl some traditional families think "yellow grandkids!" 

 

But then most people come around and judge the individual person rather then the race. I have see this way too many times in my life. Of course you will get racist people in any culture but I don't think Chinese are any worse or better than any other culture. One thing I do think is that Chinese are better are hiding it than others races. That's just my experience. I was surprised about some of the views I have heard towards the Japanese long long after I knew the Chinese person. 

 

As regards your situation. My long time ex was Cantonese and her family was living in HK. And although I knew several of then family didn't want her marrying any white boy, there is nothing that special you really need to do. If you're an ignoramus then no grandparents will like you.

 

Specifically towards culture I avoided things like not drinking alcohol at all. I am Irish and we can drink a lot. They never drank so any more than one glass and your deemed an alcoholic. In my culture its any more than one bottle Another issue was taking note to respect the elderly. There was a marked difference between my ex's parents and grandparents than an Irish or British families parents. We would never use titles, always be on first name bases and go to pubs and bars with them, so treated them like a good friend, even a few mild insults might actually bring you closer. But i think that is a real no go with a chinese family