Chinese Families?

[Flickserve]

Let's put it this way. If it was unacceptable, then a relationship won't work. So, if a family was unacceptable, then you might decide to go different ways. Such is life and happens across the world - not just in China.

But rather like anything in life, being tactful and sensitive goes a long way.

[Angelina]

You mean sensible? It's not good to be too sensitive.

[Simon_CH]

 

 

Let's put it this way. If it was unacceptable, then a relationship won't work. So, if a family was unacceptable, then you might decide to go different ways. Such is life and happens across the world - not just in China.

But rather like anything in life, being tactful and sensitive goes a long way. 

 

My message was a different one. People need to learn to be just as sure in their own culture and their expectations and values towards others as their Chinese counterpart/partner usually is. If you simply accept and tolerate everything that happens to you and you end up being frustrated about a relationship or even Chinese culture you have only yourself to blame. 

 

My good Chinese friend is into rock music, hates superficialities and formalities, values true, non-transactional friendships and is not at all career- or money-oriented - and he is just as Chinese as those who don't. You have to choose the people you surround yourself with, here as much as anywhere. I reject much of mainstream Chinese culture, but that doesn't mean that I can't find plenty of people I get along with really well. There is no reason to tolerate anything you fundamentally don't like in a relationship. 

[Flickserve]

I think my statement is still consistent with yours.

[Flickserve]

You mean sensible? It's not good to be too sensitive.

I mean sensitive to others perspectives. The reverse is true. Don't you see many chinese people not queuing, spitting near your feet, burping at the dinner table, throwing objects across the table instead of handing it to one another, shouting at each other at dinner table, drinking expensive red wine like maotai etc

[Flickserve]

Let's go back to the original post on which I base my statements.

In it, the question of being 'xiao shun'.

This is very mainstream. It is possible to find chinese people who reject such values - I can't answer for those that decide to do this.

However, I just gave some advice on what it is to be 'Xiao shun'. You may reject it out of hand. I have no problem with that. If you happen to be integrated towards a more traditionally orientated family, you will have a think about my advice. If you think what I write is bull s**t, fair enough. I don't think I can be wildly wrong though and you can proceed with your version of 'xiao shun' ;) But, if you have your own ideas of 'xiao shun', then why argue that your perspective is the correct one against a chinese perspective?

[French]

In my family, being 孝顺 is really about taking care of our elders.

I do it now during the New Year's period with my grand-parents since I'm here. Otherwise, it would have been my uncle (舅舅) but he's already busy with his own grandchildren.

Usually, there is a 保姆, kind of a housemaid who's taking care of my grandma who's not 100% functional on her own.

Last month, my mom's cousin (also 舅舅, but another one) came by my grand parents' house and he repaired the the laundry machine while he was there. Though this was not the intent of his visit.

As to who we choose to marry, despite some protests from our parents, my cousins ended with whom they wanted to be and, sure there were some ranting before the marriage, but once they've been married, every one got their backs. Among my "direct" cousins (and I have quote a few), we had 3 cases that could have been controversial and not because we're Chinese. While I do receive my fair share of

family pressure since I'm the last one who's single, they never forced me to to anything without my consent (blind dates, etc...).

My family has been in France for more than 30 years now and we have a few mixed culture weddings, 1 in my mother generation, so far 2 in mine but could be more.

We got our problems, of course, and our benefits like most families but one characteristic that really defines us and not as a Chinese-French family but as a emigrant one, we are damn closed (uncles, aunts, cousins, my parents' cousins, their children), especially on my mother's side (that bothered my dad at some point in the past). I don't see it as often as I thought, that includes Chinese families as well.

At the end of the day, people are just people.

[Daniel1912]

Very nice to read all these replies !! the reason I ended up here at this forum is that i have to buy a present for the birthday of my probable future Chinese mother in law. Reading the posts is kind of funny. I had a relationship for 15 years with a Japanese woman before. And I recognize many of the topics involved in dealing with family in law and asian culture. Was curious to know if dealing with chinese family (communication, direct or indirect) is much different. Not so much, is my conclusion. Though very different from my background :-).

PS i think I know what to buy.

PS2 wishing you Angelina, to find all th wisdom and patience you need!!

PS3 I made many mistakes, and learned some times the hard way, it does help if you have eye for the things they "swallow" from you.

PS4 My ex parents in law still want to have contact with me so i guess, i did not screw things up that bad.