Help my Chinese In-Laws are killing me

[Flickserve]

Telling the wife not to see her parents will scare the s**t out of the parents which is what they need to get back to reality. It won't happen that way but it will show them who is boss.

They will lose face amongst their own social circle but who really cares about that?

If you want to shut them up about your filial duty, give them a fixed stipend every month. It doesn't have to be equivalent to a month's rent. I may have missed it if you said that they have regular jobs. If they do, give less.

Close the account that they have free access to. Or in the interim, set up an alternate account for the income and let the original go to zero.

They will try to get more money from your wife. If she is not working, this is easier to control. Have a joint account with limited funds or create her own account - either should be a fixed monthly payment from you. In this way, her parents ability to use her to get more money is limited. Sounds harsh but this is exactly the excuse she can say to not give any money I.e. She doesn't have any.

Be careful of your wife's credit card and lower the maximum.

It's harsh, not ideal, but no choice. You have a baby you need to take care of, pay for education and bring up. This is your priority.

Can't help thinking this is a typical Middle class immigrant story. Nice jobs at home, drop it to emigrate, sold their own property in China then the grass isn't greener in Canada. And everybody back in the original country are growing richer money and status wise (which they would have done if they had stayed). They can't admit it though due to massive loss of face. They couldn't move back to China because property prices have inflated through the roof and other people have taken their jobs. Maybe they are taking more money "to keep up with the Jones' " in their social circle.

[heifeng]

Just to add a few more comments that may or may not be helpful...feel free to disregard

 

1. First the GOOD: Whatever hard times they are showing you INTERNAL to the family, they are PROBABLY bragging about how awesome you and your wife are to their friends (As part of keeping up with the Joneses...etc).  You may not be privy to this. There is a saying in Chinese that  家丑不可外传 so basically the conflicts and arguments over money you are experiencing aren't being discussed with others they are trying to compete with, rather the things they are doing with the money, etc they are probably using to show how well they are being treated by you, their foreign son-in-law. (By comparison, as mentioned, US families will probably be very open about family problems/concerns which seems to mirror what you mentioned about your own family)

 

2. As part of keeping up with the Joneses, they are probably hearing all of these things from other families/relatives and people are probably telling them what their children are "supposedly" doing to support their parents (which is probably EXAGGERATED for bragging rights). Also, from their perspective MAYBE b/c you are a foreigner they ARE worried they may not be in control or taken care of so are being super greedy now. (Afterall, they DON'T have a son so their best road to riches options is through their eldest daughter at this point) Also you mentioned in the past you and your wife had some money mistakes/debt, so again they may be feel justified in their actions for 'controlling' whatever money they can get their hands on. 

 

3. Also, FYI, probably b/c you have been treating them to trips and such they probably don't think there is reason to worry about finances, so why NOT ask for more? Also they seem to get what they want by this emotional blackmail anyway. Honestly if you and your wife act poor and keep money from them hidden well enough, then they might begin to lower expectations....and they will still complain about you but, at least least you have a better peace of mind about your own cash flows.

 

4. Additionally, just to set your expectations, I wouldn't count on them being suddenly transparent with their finances, b/c in their way of thinking they think they are entitled to such "family" money and what is yours they "Think" they have a right to. (again, when its FAMILY, you are not an "outsider" so things are not handled so clearly and this IS very different from the west,...Heck, even when you ARE an outsider, things are not necessarily so so cut and dry). You and your wife should have some very clear discussions, and you are NOT in China so you need to do what is right for the situation here in the US and your family, but the inlaws probably will never fully appreciate this.

 

Therefore, (not to jinx you), but I suspect that at most you will have to draw a line in the sand and start your new money handling policy with them...but know that what you have given before won't necessarily be viewed as some sort of persuasive reason to convince them that you have given/are giving them "enough"....This is probably one of the cultural differences. Yes, they could be more appreciative, yes they seem to rank HIGH on the greedy/paranoid/want to brag scale, but to them they feel entitled to the money, so probably there is going to be an ongoing disagreement here and you will continue to have fun managing this, but it will probably be a good financial experience for you and your wife in managing a household (and yep in a Chinese family this includes the inlaws to a greater extent), rather than THEM running you ragged.

 

Best wishes!

[dwq]

Telling the wife not to see her parents will scare the s**t out of the parents which is what they need to get back to reality. It won't happen that way but it will show them who is boss.

That might backfire and result in an argument with the wife and wife running back to her parents with the baby. So before attempting this you should really understand where the wife stands.

[gato]

This suggests that a first priority is to shore up/build a common front with his wife.

[roddy]

Heifeng, good to see you posting! Bet your in-laws wouldn't dare try any of this nonsense 

[Johnny20270]

hey Hutch

 

I read your post. I had a similar situation once. Most people disagree with what I write on these forums, .... but well you can choose to ignore it what I say if you wish.

 

You seem like a really decent guy bringing her family to NYC etc and taking care of them, but I really thing you need to well ..... man up, put the foot down and stop being a mug. Please this is not an insult, its just, I think you need a wake up call. You are being taken advantage of plain and simple.

 

As I say this genuinely no offence intended 

[Flickserve]

That might backfire and result in an argument with the wife and wife running back to her parents with the baby. So before attempting this you should really understand where the wife stands.

Really?

He can tell the wife, who can tell the parents... But the wife will still keep in contact..... ;-)

[Lu]

you will have to draw a line in the sand and start your new money handling policy with them...but know that what you have given before won't necessarily be viewed as some sort of persuasive reason to convince them that you have given/are giving them "enough"....This is probably one of the cultural differences. Yes, they could be more appreciative, yes they seem to rank HIGH on the greedy/paranoid/want to brag scale, but to them they feel entitled to the money, so probably there is going to be an ongoing disagreement here and you will continue to have fun managing this, but it will probably be a good financial experience for you and your wife in managing a household (and yep in a Chinese family this includes the inlaws to a greater extent), rather than THEM running you ragged.

This is true.

 

Also, a united front with the wife would be extremely good, but also difficult. If after nine years there is no united front yet, establishing one is not something that is going to happen overnight. Discuss everything with your wife as much as you can, try to convince her of your point of view, do your best to understand hers, but in the end establish your boundaries even if she doesn't agree with them or like them. (Not where her money or possessions are concerned of course, you shouldn't take control of those, but you can cut off her parents from any of your joint or private money.)

[geraldc]

Family from Shenzhen? I wonder if I'm related to them?

 

Putting my judgemental Shenzhen hat on.

 

Not asking permission to get married was a mistake. They missed out on their chance to ask for a dowry.

 

If they've bought a number of investment properties that you maintain, I guess they've sunk a few 100k into investments based on your advice? Were they expecting instant returns? Put things in writing, Explain the cash flow issues, and that if they take too much from you now, you will go in debt.

 

Chinese parents rarely say thank you, best to never expect it, so if it does come, it's a nice surprise.

[simc]

Yeah, I've been told by my parents in law that because I say thank you all the time it makes it sound like I'm not family.

 

I think in Chinese culture thank you is something you say to outsiders but not to your own family, so don't expect them to say it.

 

[roddy]

This topic might also be interesting for you. 

[Ivy Cao]

I'm a Chinese. From what you say, I do not think her parents are following the right Chinese culture. In our culture, the parents will get money from their daughters and son in law, but not constantly. And many parents chose to save the money they received in case someday there's emergency happens to their sons and daughters. What the parents did in your description is not right.