Critique on my study plan

[AprilWMS]

Hello guys, I'm new here. Please be good to me  .

 

Anyway, I need help with my study plan for the Chinese Government Scholarships. I made a rough draft last night. It's three pages long, which I think is far longer than it should be. I just wrote whatever was on my mind at that moment so there are probably a lot of unnecessary parts. As of now, it is unedited. I plan to edit it after hearing your feedback and suggestions. At that moment, maybe I can look at what I've written with a fresh set of eyes. There are probably minimal spelling errors. I get really annoyed by the red underlines so I edit them as I write. I would like your help in detecting other errors in grammar and mechanics. And of course, I would like to know if I've actually written anything substantial or if I am way off course. Attached below is my study plan.

 

 

Study Plan for CGS (1).docx

[Wippen (inactive)]

I have not read the whole study plan. I feel it is too long but maybe it is right for your target audience.

Some pointers

I am not keen on the opening paragraph. This is the most important part and should invite to read on. I don't like the cliche you used here. Why not immediately mention the topic - Mandarin.

I would use very concrete examples to illustrate your general points. That comes across as genuine. The bit about the family, you could add, for example when I was a child my mother, who has raised four children as a single mother, was on a part disability allowance and could only work part time. This meant we did not have a lot of money and I had to sew my own clothes and add brands so it would look real. I had a job as a paper boy as this would finance my interest in figure skating, something my mother could  not afford. We didnt have many books, so I would use the library. I have made the most of what I have. This scholarship would xxxx (these example were from  my own lifen so add your own).

You should show you have taken great advantage of what you already had. You saying the gaokao exam taking kids would keep you from slacking off sounds like you cannot do this yourself. Remember, you are from the same background as them (many of them do not have the means) but they still plough on and maintain self motivation - can you not do that?.

Show very concretely that this is an authentic piece about you is how I would do it.

The passion for Mandarin sounds like you only just discovered this passion after reading there was a chance to get money. First I would portray the passion and what I had done myself to sate that desire. Now the scholarship is an opportunity to build on that.

I didnt like the bit about "quite frankly" and missing the deadline.

I find on the whole you have put effort into it and that is already a positive.

[AprilWMS]

Thank you for your feedback. 

 

Personally, I too feel that the opening paragraph was too lacking. I guess I was conflicted on that part since I didn't want it to be too much of a pity party. I'm not even sure if my financial situation was relevant to the application so I planned to just gloss over it. I guess it would be better to give it more emphasis?   I was thinking on the wrong line too because I did not think about emphasizing on what I've done with what I have,  just like you said.

 

I did not mean to sound like I cannot motivate myself because I certainly can. I just feel like studying with very competitive students is a good reminder to study well and that I would like to study alongside them. They say that you can get smarter by hanging out with and learning from smart people. 

 

And damn, if it really came across to people that I only wanted to study Mandarin for the money then it was the total opposite of what I intended to write. I came to appreciate Chinese culture because I am an avid reader of English translated Chinese novels. I felt fascinated with the literature and I wanted to learn how to read them. I want to try translating because I felt it was an enjoyable way to learn Chinese. The money can come as a bonus. 

 

And you are right, I shouldn't have put the part about missing the deadline. I did not even notice I had written that. Lol, I was just writing whatever was on my mind at that time. 

 

Nonetheless, thank you so much. I'll keep those in mind when I edit them later. I'll certainly paraphrase the parts that came out wrong. Cheers and enjoy the rest of your day ?. 

[Wippen (inactive)]

something struck me later. You mention your major very late. You should point out why geophysics I think it was is good to study in China. For example they are experts on xyz, also geophysics you chose because of an interest that has developed in x and you can see yourself in the future focusing on y as this has benefits to both your own country and China because z