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Study plan criticism


Eyinlojuoluwa
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Hello house, please I need your assistance in criticizing my study plan.

Meanwhile, I think there is huge difference between study plan and personal statement. What Chinese government scholarship board is requesting for is study plan but not personal statement. 

Do we need to show more emphasy on family background when writing study plan?

 

Please someone should please help to criticize this....

STUDY PLAN FOR MASTERS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY.pdf

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I only read the first two paragraphs. The opening is the most important in any document. I am not keen on this:

 

a certain determination and strength of character

 

Sounds jargony and I am not sure these are even the major qualities required.. It makes it sound like you just want to emphasise this, or it sounds like it is just copied because it sounds good. Why not just write honestly about you in the first paragraph. You also mention "anyone" bla bla but nothing really personal about you and your talents and why they should pick you. Then in the second paragraph, the claim of being unique and then the same adjective without actually explaining where the uniqueness lies, is also a bit jargony/buzzwordy. And why does being a native of Africa mean you are aware of cybercrime? Why not write directly why. In Africa I have observed xyz, I wish to tackle that and make a contribution, specifically I would like to solve xyz (this should be something specific), I belive this can be done via xx. I want to combine my skills in zz (mention specifics) with future skills on the master's course in zzz (specifics). This would be the skills that I identify to solve this problem. Already I have done xzy and I established more Research in required in area x.

Go through it again and make it more authentic about you. I am sure you have the talent and intellect that is required for this. It is just you are hiding behind what you think sound good.

 

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@Tøsen

Actually I want to use it to apply for the last Chinese government scholarship which was extended till  20th of this month.

 

Meanwhile, I have used the first jargons I sent you to apply for like 4 schools which I think it will be the only grace of God to be selected because of that study plan.

 

So, when you review this last one and you found it manageable, I will use it to apply for another one......

 

Thanks ma

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I think the paragraph you added on the skills required and the problems you identified is convincing. It shows you have thought about a problem and you will make a contribution if you get this Master's. These types of reasons are required for obtaining these. Scholarship are not there to "boost self-confidence" so I would delete that.  I am not sure I would add in loaded words like "privileged" by all means mention your lack of means at home and the family story.

 

The opening paragraph - if it were me - I would jump straight into my killer argument - why they should pick me - as this will lead them to read on.

The scholarship x will mean I will be able to build on my existing skills in x and therefore I will be able to obtain qualifications in x.  The need for people with these skills is x after that maybe some fluffy stuff.

 

If you write "whenever I read online bla bla" - to me it does not sound thought through. Maybe the templates for such letters requires this (?) but if I receive applications I prefer people to get straight to the point with very specific ideas. The scholarship is probably awarded to those who possess the basic skills and the ability to complete the course which would allow them to  make a contribution to industry in the future but who can otherwise not afford it. So I would personally focus on convincing them about that.

 

Hopefully you can get some more people to offer input.

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