Need advice on this poem I am translating from English to Chinese

[Southernjohn]

Hi everyone. I have been a long-time "lurker" on this forum and have found it incredibly helpful. I have been translating this poem into Chinese. It is by an American writer. You could characterize his work as "avant-garde" or "experimental". Poetry translation of this nature is hard enough, coupled with the fact that I have only been studying Chinese for a few years. I would appreciate any input/advice/criticism. Here is the english excerpt first. (oh and it is not "anti-communist" or anything like that...there are a lot of political references in this writer's work). Anyway, here is the excerpt, followed by my chinese translation:

COMMUNISM IS A MORALE PROBLEM

Communism is a morale problem. Remote fertility control—well, bayonet your asshole, my spirit does not sing. Heart-shaped

designer plastic haircut, Spanish Civil War souvenir skulls:

animals believe in success. Mascara magnetizer, empty cars

move in tight patrols, spectators at own brain death—mis-

shaven calligraphy otherwise otherwise

sobriety quilts toothsome free-for-all fades to fate;my life as a dense pack. Graduate to toyland hole in Noah’s Ark, rabid

dogs set loose in Christian Science reading room. Waltz

through manure, skin suits is obviously true: history begins

with fascism.

_____

ok... here is my translation:

共产主义是士气难题

共产主义是士气难题。遥远的繁殖力纵—那么，

把你肛门戳，我精神不唱歌。心形的

名师设计塑料的发型，是西班牙内战的纪念品：

动物坚信成功。睫毛膏的吸引物，无人的汽车

在紧密巡逻队中行进，观众在自已的脑死亡—错误

刮脸的书法否则否则

节酒被子可口的自由自在地变成了天意；我生命

像稠密的群一样。提高到玩具国在诺亚方舟里面, 把狂犬病

的狗放开在基督科学会的阅览室。华尔兹舞

从粪肥穿过去，皮肤的套装是当然真的：历史

从法西斯主义开始。

so.. any advice will be appreciated. And keep in mind that this is a strange piece of writing to begin with, and I don't think the consonance and assonance will translate very well.

[studentyoung]

I just simply revised your version, according to my own understanding on this odd poem. So I hope you don’t mind. The whole poem seems quite like those the metaphysical poets by John Donne. (Of course, if you don't mind, please offer more background knowledge on this poem.)

共产主义是士气难题

共产主义是士气难题。遥远的繁殖控制器—那么，

刺刀扎你的肛门，我精神不唱吟。心形

名师设计的塑料发型，西班牙内战骷髅的纪念品：

动物笃信成功。睫毛膏似的导磁器，无人驾驶的汽车

在驶入拥挤的巡逻队中前进，观众在自已的脑中——胡乱涂鸦的书法，或者其它、或者其它

——死亡

曼妙的自由缝入了谨慎渐渐变成天意；我生命

像紧紧塞满的行李。到了

在诺亚方舟上玩具国的小孔里, 带狂犬病的

的狗放纵在基督科学会的阅览室。华尔兹

穿越粪肥，肌肤的套装俨然真实：历史

始于法西斯主义。

Thanks!

[yanjunmao]

hello,Southernjohn and studentyoung, I just view your translations, and studentyoung's is better in my opinion. his translation considering chinese phrasing oder more . And some sentences in the end of his translation are very good .

And I would like to translate a few sentences.

共产主义是毫无士气可言的

共产主义没有士气. 细微的,有力的控制

像刺刀一样插进肛门, 我的灵魂不再歌唱.

如心形设计师设计的塑料发型, 头骨成了西班牙内战的纪念品.