Song You Shen Posted February 19, 2006 at 12:14 AM Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 at 12:14 AM So, I love poetry, and I love creating different types of poetry, but I've always had a difficutly understanding Chinese poetry. I wanted to try it out and I came up with this: 春天花开秋天落叶 穿白衣服的女等待 夏天走过冬天退色 缅怀往事女心疼痛 似时间飞行水流年 时间在永恒团聚爱 I have no clue if the phrases are right or wrong, and I am not sure if it really makes sense.... the english equivilent would be something like this: Blossoms bloom in spring, Leaves fall in autumn Waiting, a woman wearing white Summer passes and winter slips away Reminiscent of times past, heart aches Time flies as water flows A time in eternity, reunited with love. I would love some constructive criticism on this. What works? What doesn't work? This style of poetry is AB AB AB where all couplets rhyme with the next based on idea rather than tone, word or pronunciation. Also, I had to add some characters to acheive the 8x6 lines (8 characters, 6 lines). Let me know what you really think. Thanks. Youshen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ethan-阿维 Posted February 19, 2006 at 05:32 AM Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 at 05:32 AM It remains me of one Chinese poetry:君诗如美色,未嫁已倾城.That means your poetry is like a beautiful lady,all the people has been fascinated by her before she married. And its Chinese version...considing you are foreigner,its very good.especially the"似时间飞行水流年,时间在永恒团聚爱." Your Chinese is much better than my English. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pazu Posted February 19, 2006 at 05:46 AM Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 at 05:46 AM A very nice try, Mr Song, I think your Chinese should be quite good already but to write a poem may be very different from daily usage of Chinese. 春天花开秋天落叶 <== Poem should be more concise, there're too much 天, "春花开, 秋叶落" may be better, though it may not be in accordance with the rhythm. 穿白衣服的女等待 <== 穿 is not really necessary in Chinese, 穿白衣服的女 may be written as 白衣仕女. 夏天走过冬天退色 <== 夏天 may be written as "炎夏" (hot summer), just a way to avoid the duplication of 天. 缅怀往事女心疼痛 <== Hmmm, I found 女心 very strange... 似时间飞行水流年 <== 行 may be replaced by 逝, 逝 has a more subtle and melancholic tone in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Song You Shen Posted February 20, 2006 at 09:28 PM Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 at 09:28 PM Thank you for the advice Pazu, if anyone else would like to add any more advice, I'd love to hear it! Thanks again. Youshen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elina Posted February 21, 2006 at 02:42 AM Report Share Posted February 21, 2006 at 02:42 AM Although I’m a Chinese, but when I was at school, I did not like to learn 语文, I liked 数理化 / mathematics, physics, chemistry, my Chinese is no better than you on making poems, so I cannot give helpful comments. I just want to say: keep on trying, it is a good beginning!! PS. long time no meet on this forum since the discussion on religion last year. Judging from your other posts, you’re in love, it’s really a good time for creating poems:mrgreen: . 祝你幸福！ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hanabi Posted February 22, 2006 at 08:46 AM Report Share Posted February 22, 2006 at 08:46 AM In my humble opinion, poetry phrasing is something that can't be completely right nor completely wrong. Poetry is something that is full of variety so don't think it should be written in certain defined ways. Well, that's just how I think, creativity is the key. Well, but I do have some comments(which are just based on my way of thinking so it ain't absolute or what). 似时间飞行水流年 I thought maybe if you want to express "Time flies as water flows", 时间飞行似水流年 may be clearer. But it's just for clarity's sake, so it doesn't really matter much. 穿白衣服的女 Thought the above structure does not really fit in with the form of words usage in the entire poem. Maybe something with a more "graceful" tone can be used like 白衣之女 or somewhere along that kind of style. Overall, it's a very nice poem, melancholic yet inducing a warm feeling nevertheless. 加油! Cheers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Song You Shen Posted February 25, 2006 at 09:56 PM Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2006 at 09:56 PM Ah, Elina, nice to see you again. I did enjoy that religion topic long ago... and it is funny, because I am taking a world religions class in school right now. I have learned many new aspects about Hinduism and Buddhism that I did not know before. I hope you are doing well, and not so busy with work And yes, I am very much in love with my girlfriend. I'd like to thank Hanabi and the rest of those that have commented on this. I have also received a little help from my Chinese Instructor, and I will be remolding the poem a little, and maybe changing the structure to be less confining. I am still listening for further critic on this, and again, I thank all those that have helped out. Youshen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tianjinpete Posted February 26, 2006 at 02:42 PM Report Share Posted February 26, 2006 at 02:42 PM I'm curious whether you conceived the poem exclusively in Chinese (and if such a thing even was possible) and then mapped it to English? Can you comment on how the two languages played out in your mind? I ask because oddly enough your English translation seems a little stilted and is in places incomplete -- it's almost as if you hesitated to create an English version of the poem that might rival the Chinese ... For example, "Blossoms bloom in spring, leaves fall in autumn" reads like a sleepy prose guidebook to the four seasons -- the line works better in Chinese (Pazu's tightening helps to improve it) ... In neither language, though, do you capitalize fully on the underlying chiasmus (inversion) that generates the tension felt in the clash of antithetical images 花开 / 落叶 ... Similarly, "Reminiscent of times past" reads as a sort of fragment in search of a subject, and is not strongly tied to what follows ("heart aches"), but the corresponding line in Chinese seems more acceptable... If you can write so well in Chinese, you no doubt are aware of the tradition, and so as a reminder I reproduce below the famous poem by 汉武帝 Emperor Han Wudi 秋风辞 Song of the Autumn Wind... Lines 4 and 7 in particular tease out the possibilities in antithetical imagery ... 秋 风 起 兮 白 云 飞 草 木 黄 落 兮 雁 南 归 兰 有 秀 兮 菊 有 芳 怀 佳 人 兮 不 能 忘 汎 楼 船 兮 济 汾 河 横 中 流 兮 扬 素 波 箫 鼓 鸣 兮 发 櫂 歌 欢 乐 极 兮 哀 情 多 少 壮 几 时 兮 奈 老 何 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddiewouldgo Posted February 28, 2006 at 01:50 AM Report Share Posted February 28, 2006 at 01:50 AM 春天花开秋天落叶 穿白衣服的女等待 夏天走过冬天退色 缅怀往事女心疼痛 似时间飞行水流年 时间在永恒团聚爱 I'm not an expert but here's my try, dont laugh haha. 春雷花开秋风叶落 白裳姑娘空门独坐 夏雨磅礴冬雪落莫 往事幕幕心如刀破 逝水流年半生蹉跎 千秋万世凝聚你我 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Song You Shen Posted February 28, 2006 at 07:45 AM Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2006 at 07:45 AM I'm curious whether you conceived the poem exclusively in Chinese (and if such a thing even was possible) and then mapped it to English? Can you comment on how the two languages played out in your mind? I ask because oddly enough your English translation seems a little stilted and is in places incomplete -- it's almost as if you hesitated to create an English version of the poem that might rival the Chinese ... For example' date=' "Blossoms bloom in spring, leaves fall in autumn" reads like a sleepy prose guidebook to the four seasons -- the line works better in Chinese (Pazu's tightening helps to improve it) ... In neither language, though, do you capitalize fully on the underlying chiasmus (inversion) that generates the tension felt in the clash of antithetical images 花开 / 落叶 ... Similarly, "Reminiscent of times past" reads as a sort of fragment in search of a subject, and is not strongly tied to what follows ("heart aches"), but the corresponding line in Chinese seems more acceptable... If you can write so well in Chinese, you no doubt are aware of the tradition... [/quote'] Well, this poem has a weird history. A few phrases were created in Chinese first. I was in class one day learning about different aspects of weather and somehow I thought of the first line of the poem. After I wrote it I read it aloud and it sounded like many Chinese poems that I've heard before. If said with the correct intonations, it has a gaudy sound. I really liked the way it sounded and it prompted me to "try" to create a fuller poem. I created the rest of the poem in English (later to be translated into Chinese). The lines I created in English were perpously made to be fragmented. As with many poems, framentation of lines are created to allow the reader to fill in the missing parts with their own imaginations. However, another reason why it is fragmented, is because after I created a few lines in Chinese, I transliterated them into english. As we know, most transliterations of Chinese sound fragmented... and it sometimes has a poetic sound to it. So i tried to mimic the rest of my english lines to that of the transliterated Chinese. I am not extremely famaliar with the tradition of chinese poetry though, so I had a hard time determining if this poem was any good though. I'm not sure, does that answer your question? Youshen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tianjinpete Posted March 1, 2006 at 01:26 PM Report Share Posted March 1, 2006 at 01:26 PM It's great that you are thinking and writing in Chinese, and I understand about fragmentation and its appeal ... Have you read Bei Dao? I'm living where I assume his books are banned (haven't seen any in the bookstores) and I didn't bring any of his work with me but you can find his poetry in bilingual editions in most major bookstores in the US (I bought my first copy of Landscape Over Zero in L.A. in 1999 or so) ... You might enjoy the challenge of unravelling some of the imagery, which is funny and penetrating at the same time... Bei Dao 北岛 Landscape over Zero 零度以上的风景 lingdu yishang de fengjing 开花的特权 kai hua de te quan blossom's privilege 冷场, 完整的月亮升起 lengchang, wanzheng de yueliang shengqi stage hushed, perfect moon rising Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lu Posted March 2, 2006 at 09:33 PM Report Share Posted March 2, 2006 at 09:33 PM Not only his poetry, but Bei Dao himself is banned from China as well. He has been living in exile for years now. Some info here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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