Another thread about Chinese dating customs (sorry!)

[Sydney Matt]

Didn't really imagine I'd be posting a question of this nature, but here I am! Met a girl a few weeks ago, first time we went out had hotpot together with her 妹妹&弟弟 (as in, they're still kids); two nights later again ate hotpot with four of her workmates. Side note: I like hotpot; and shock horror, I can handle spicy better than she can!

This week, the weather being so wonderful, we went to two different parks two days in a row, strolled, snacked, talked, took photos. Seems she had fun, and I did too. In addition, we've been chatting quite a bit on Weixin/SMS, including tonight, when she asked what I'd been up to today. I said nothing special, just cleaned the apartment, washed clothes then went out for a while for a stroll, which, by the way, is exactly what I did! Then she said that if she'd known, we could have spent the day together, she was at home with nothing happening; as well as emphasising the point to “不用客气” since we're “好朋友”. Tomorrow evening, she's going back to her home town for a couple of days - it's close, only a couple of hours away on the bus (I consider that as being incredibly close, but that could be just me). She asked me if I wanted to come visit, and I said yes.

Okay, question coming up now. She said that we'll go back to her home town, but she won't take me to her own home, in this way people won't 误会, and that she'll speak with her friends, that perhaps they'll misunderstand, perhaps they won't, but as long as I don't take offence, then it's all good. And I'm fine with all this, seems perfectly reasonable to me. But, apart from the original meaning, is this or is this not also her way of saying that she only wants to be friends? You see, just to state the obvious, I like her.

Also, in a few days time, I'm going back home (bit further - mine's a plane trip away haha!) for a few weeks break before coming back. So, do I say something within the next few days, or wait? I'm also afraid that this perhaps is not only a "dating in China" question, it's also a "me" question, my rather limited relationships (considering I'm meant to be 三十而立) have, in the end, each come down to cases of either the other party just wants to be friends, or I just want to be friends. (As in the sense of really, truly want to be friends, not in the sense of "break-up=we can be friends"). Which reminds of one more thing - she asked me about my relationship experiences, but then quickly took the question back before I even had a chance to answer, so neither of us has brought this up again; don't know if there's any meaning in her asking this, or just pure curiosity?

[putonghua73]

In what context dd you meet? Also, what age group are you both?

On one hand, meeting family members and work colleagues straight off the bat is unusual; that said, you are just friends at this stage. She has already stated "好朋友" and has intimated that she doesn't want any misunderstanding with her friends - especially family. Taking someone to meet the family (especially a Western guy) will imply some sort of romantic relationship, not to mention a bit of family pressure.

I suspect she does like you because she is spending time with you. People generally do not spend time with other people if they don't like them. There is a good proverb that my girlfriend (then language partner) told me: 路遥知马力，日久见人心. Personally, I'd wait until you get back because you will both have time to reflect on your feelings (especially for her). Stay in contact with her when you're back home (QQ, Skype, Whatsapp, yada yada yada) and I suspect that if she does have the same feelings for you, you'll both be doing some heavy messaging.

[gato]

It's pretty obvious she likes you.

[Lu]

Also, in a few days time, I'm going back home (bit further - mine's a plane trip away haha!) for a few weeks break before coming back. So, do I say something within the next few days, or wait?

A friend of mine was recently at the receiving end of this... She liked the guy a lot, they weixin'ed, skyped daily etc, but then when he came back he told her that he didn't want to date her.

As already mentioned, at the moment you are just friends while her taking you to her hometown might indicate intention to marry, so that is a possible misunderstanding she wants to pre-empt. As far as I can see it doesn't say anything about possible future courses your relationship might take, I don't think it excludes the possibility that you'll visit again as the boyfriend or the fiance at some later date.

If you don't have feelings or intentions towards her, it would be good to make that clear (implicitly if possible) before leaving. If you are interested or are not sure yet, just go home and skype & weixin when you and she feel like it. If you're sure you're interested, buy her an extra-nice gift (and tell her you have).

Good luck!

[Scoobyqueen]

If she is thinking marriage after a few days, would it not be taking advantage if the relationship would quickly enter the heights Anonymoose was talking about? (just saying from a female perspective)

[Demonic_Duck]

I think there are crossed wires here. My situation from the original post resolved itself some time ago (turns out she wasn't into me in that way, or maybe originally was but simply thought better of it). Sydney Matt's situation is completely different.

[Sydney Matt]

Thanks to all for the advice. Well, we went to her home town, and now I'm back in my home town for this little while. In front of others she kept making the point that we are only friends. However, let's just say that these past few days what she's said to me and various little actions, on their own which admittedly may just amount to being a good host, all together, seem to add up to say to me that she really does like me. Neither of us had said anything directly yet, but that's cool, I think it's pretty clear we both like each other.

Finally, apologies to Demonic Duck for causing the crossed wires, when I think about it, not sure why I didn't start a new thread.