My wives family is strange, or?

[imron]

Is a hongbao still mandatory in that case?

For a close family member, I would say yes.  It's not so much something you give for attending the wedding, more about your wishes for the newly married couple.  I have friends in China whose weddings I wasn't able to attend, but who I still sent money to for a wedding hongbao.

 

I imagine there might be some lingering bad will from that, but like I said above, it also looks like her family is not going to be satisfied by what you do so you'll just have to put up with it and be thankful that you live far away.  Just be polite, but also firm in setting boundaries.

[陳德聰]

If you didn't even go to these weddings then why do you even care what these people think of you or how they treat you? They're like super distant relatives. I have relatives like that who I see maybe once every couple of years, and people have even stopped inviting them so they don't have to refuse the invitation. Face it your wife is basically estranged from her family.

[Lanchong]

Me and my girlfriend were just talking about this last night. About money and hongbao and getting married and the future. She was telling me the immense importance of this sort of thing, and why she does it even at crippling financial cost to herself. Giving money = caring. You say you care...but let's see if you really care and pony up the cash. Because if you really care, you'll show it in the only way that matters, by stuffing an envelope with wads of your own cash.

Moreover, it's not like you're setting the money on fire for the dead or something, every jiao goes to the new couple! They need it!

Westerners find this sort of money-up-front style among family crass and distasteful. Chinese don't. It's a wonderful verification that you really do love them. Westerners immediately get suspicious and think that their thieving Chinese in-laws are trying to get into their rich Western pockets.

I would be careful about generalising from what your girlfriend told you. Yes, there are plenty of people who think the way you describe, but I know plenty of people - including in my own Chinese family - who don't think that way. People give a little money sensibly and in private, according to their means. And the receiver respects and understands that. Modesty and thrift are traditional qualities that still exist in some parts of China.

[Alebo]

why do you even care what these people think of you or how they treat you? They're like super distant relatives.

 

Though I understand that from what you know now it seems like that, the situation is a little more complex. When we have been there the last two times (with the children) we have been living in one of their flats, and they often sleep there as well. So we hang around with each other very intensive during one month or two. Most focus from them, however, are always on the children, both ours and their cousins. So its not a big issue for me to be neglected, just not what I am used to. 

[Alebo]

Because if you really care, you'll show it in the only way that matters, by stuffing an envelope with wads of your own cash.

 

From what my wife tell me, lot of familys are overly frugal towards themself, in order to be able to stuff insane amounts of cash to others. Its a kind of self-sacrifice and martyrdom. I definitely like the part to be generous to others, westeners should learn from that, but it should not be in expense of your own well-being. And I think most chinese people would agree that there are lot,lot of other ways to show that you really care.

[Seeds qi]

Hi Alebo, I would say that most chinese family are not like this.

I'm a chinese girl and I married a spanish guy. Though my family is not satisfactory about our relationship as they consider that the spanish guy robed their daughter far away from them, the firts time my boyfriend arrived in China, they treated him with great warmth: big meals in restaurant, nice city visits and hotels ect.

The key figure here is your wife who is the connection between the two families and she sure knows the real reason about her parents's reacion towards you and also what you should do to improve it.

I think, if you really care about this issue, you should have an open conversation with your wife. It is an internacional marrage, communication over the culture difference is super important.

Personally, I explained the chinese culture logic to my handsband. He appreciates the sacrifice I made and every time he tries his best to adapt the chinese culture and he is learning chinese crazily fast.

In this issue , the quantity of the money is not that important. What it is important is that you should fully trust your chinese wife what is appropiate to do and what is not. As she knows in bone much better than you how to handle this issue. After knowing about the "bride gift" culture in China, my handsband said that when he gains enough money, he will buy my family a house. I really feel greatful only for his understanding on the culture. Sorry, I am not here to show off my handsband. Just to show, how important the mutual understanding can be.

Acctually, I am kind of in the opposite situation as you are in Alebo. My family treats my handsband with great warmth. However, the spanish family treats me as normal. I mean, not bad, but with far less the warmth that had recieved my handsband in China. His family is simplely very traditional and pure person. They treat me just like every member of his family, not that special like in China.

Frankly speaking, as a chinese, I felt a little bit disappointed at this point, but I have a good and understanding handsband, I can not require too much. Anyway, my handsband is the person that Im living with everyday, not his family.

So Alebo, conclusion, what you can do is not expect more from her family, but take the inicialtive from your side: show your generousity and openess in the communication and understanding. Good Luck! 

[陳德聰]

Just lie and say you are having money trouble. Europe's economy is failing, etc. Or make them watch the episode of "Ode to Joy" where 樊勝美's dad goes into the hospital and everyone yells at her mom for being so 重男輕女 in that situation

[abcdefg]

Hello, Alebo. Not wanting to be nosy or intrusive, but thought I might politely pose a question. Please feel free to disregard it if you feel it's too personal.

 

Since you now have the benefit of hindsight, of being able to think about how certain actions can have unexpected consequences, I was wondering what you might wish you had done different with respect to your wife's parents and her other family members. Starting all the way back when you were courting, before even becoming married.

 

I live in China most of the year but currently have no plans to marry here. However, if I were planning to take that plunge, knowing how to navigate the cultural perils and pitfalls would be of great interest.  

 

What you have learned might be of help to others. I realize it could be a large topic, more than you bargained for when you signed up here, but if you are so inclined, we would be grateful to have the benefit of your hard-earned wisdom. 

[Alebo]

abcdefg, 

 

I can indeed give some short very concrete tips that can be followed and make the relation with the in-laws (or anyone else) a little more smooth.

 

- When somebody visits you, immediately serve them hot water. My father-in-law freaked out several times because I didnt serve him hot water when he entered the door. I forgot it several times...

- If you go out on the streets (by yourself) to do whatever, always come back with something you know the people at home like. For example, if you ate out, bring home a takaway. Even a bag of fruits/snacks will do. They expect you to think of them when you are out.

- Always step aside if you are meeting someone in the apartment. My in-laws complained that my moving indoors was to clumsy/rude.

- When eating out, find out what you inlaws like and order that. If you like to play it advanced, occasionally grab some of that and put it on their plate. DO NEVER EVER eat the last piece of whatever-that is! My father in law once set up a trap for me in Thailand; He offered me the last springroll, I grabbed it, and then he freaked out. 

 

But in the whole picture, in my case I couldnt do much difference because Im too poor. I didnt buy the apartment for my wife (we share common mortgage), and I didn't buy a BMW nor a Rolex for my father in law. If I was filthy rich, I would be the best son-in-law in the world and my behavior would be irrelevant to them (at least my wife say so). The poorer you are, the better you must behave in this family.

[abcdefg]

Right about the immediate hot water business! By now I've been well trained on that one. Within seconds of their stepping inside and changing shoes, I must start urging my guests: "请坐，请坐，喝一杯水。“ And if they are being polite, they may refuse once or twice, which is my cue to persuade them with more vigor.

 

Most of my friends know that  I like tea, so when they come to visit, the "hot water" ritual often changes into "来,喝一杯茶水。“ And I serve them the good stuff whether or not I think they can tell the difference.  

 

But it sounds like the bottom line is that if you want good relations with the in-laws, you need to have lots of money and spread it around liberally. Failing that, even the best manners in the world may not be enough. Did I understand that correctly? Don't want to misquote you. It's kind of a depressing message.

 

I suppose another message might be to remember that you are not just marrying one person, you are marrying an entire family. Mean and unfriendly in-laws, such as these, can make your marriage difficult and sour.

[Yadang]

 

DO NEVER EVER eat the last piece of whatever-that is! My father in law once set up a trap for me in Thailand; He offered me the last springroll, I grabbed it, and then he freaked out.

 

Sounds like a lovely chap

[Flickserve]

You got it Alebo! The richer and more materialistic you are, the better the relationship would be. You have to a) be rich, b) show off wealth, c) have government contacts, d) be pals with a few Chinese film stars or singers.

Avoiding the in-laws as much as possible is easier. No visits to them and certainly no holidays with them. That method has much better odds of not making a mistake. Although you speak Chinese, you cannot turn into being Chinese. It sounds to me they are just being bullies lost in materialism rather than being Chinese.

Out of curiosity, which city are they based in?

[Alebo]

Zhengzhou

[Alebo]

But it sounds like the bottom line is that if you want good relations with the in-laws, you need to have lots of money and spread it around liberally. Failing that, even the best manners in the world may not be enough. Did I understand that correctly? Don't want to misquote you. It's kind of a depressing message.

 

 

Yes. Thats was part of why I was starting this thread, to find out if this is typical or just me. Seems like its typical, take a look at earlier posts by others. But I also think its somewhat proportional. If you are a student and they know you have no income, they dont expect that until you get income.

 

 

I suppose another message might be to remember that you are not just marrying one person, you are marrying an entire family. Mean and unfriendly in-laws, such as these, can make your marriage difficult and sour.

 

Not if we normally are separated by a long-haul flight.

[abcdefg]

Thanks and best wishes.

[Wurstmann]

My experience is completely different. Nobody expects me to behave like a Chinese person. The family knows my culture is different, so they are not offended if I don't do everything expected from

a 'normal' Chinese person. They expect no money, in fact, they even offered to buy us a house in Germany. 

I'm not the easiest person to have as a whatever-in-law (even in my own culture); still they are being very nice and understanding. 

The most important thing for them is that their daughter and grand-daughter are happy and healthy.

 

Of cause we have our differences. Mainly in terms of the education of our 1 1/2 year-old daughter. It's too easy for my wife and her family to say "That's your opinion, but we are in China..."

whenever I disagree with them. I think they are not used to discuss things that 'everybody' agrees on and don't know what to do. Chinese people don't like to discuss in general. That can be quite hard. 

But that's how it is, and that a marriage across two vastly different cultures and half the world would have its challenges can be expected.

So I try my best to explain to them my point of view and to understand their culture and experiences. 

Life would be boring without difficulties and adventure. ;)