About to enter into a relationship but we have a huge age gap of 18 years, would that be a problem?

[skylee]

愛得不夠。

[Angelina]

愛得不夠

 

 

真的嗎？

 

 

 

Watch this and cry!

 

https://movie.douban.com/subject/4059042/

[Kenny同志]

Sorry for my belated reply. Many thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, everybody. I am very grateful.

 

I will clarify the lover issue first. 

He loves her but the feeling is not mutual. The major reason that she was with him was that he helped her many times. Long before she broke up with him a few days ago, she had repeatedly proposed to leave him so that she could live a peaceful single life but every time he refused. This time, she told him about me and he, after learning that we were getting married (she lied to him), he agreed to let go of her, tearfully, and gave his blessing.

 

She said that he had wanted to take her to Hong Kong, Macau, Yunnan, and many other places, but she was not interested and felt it would be boring.

 

About not having any children

I have suffered from synovitis and ankylosing spondilitis for more than ten years. These may not be necessarily hereditary but long years with these diseases has put me in very bad health. So physically speaking, it would not be a wise idea to have a baby, a perfectly legitimate reason for my parents.

 

Secondly, and this is the true reason, life is not much fun. Pleasure is always short and little while things that make you unhappy are too many(憂多樂少)! I don’t want to have someone else experience it again. 

 

About someone mistaking her for my mother

I wouldn’t mind that. And I would point out to that person that this is my wife/太太.

 

About when I am 70 she is probably no longer around

She is pretty fit. Given my health status, I don’t think I could live that long. I would happily go with her to the other world when she dies.

 

About my parents’ and her daughter’s attitude

My parents might oppose what I want to do initially but I may be able to persuade them to give in. Her daughter, after learning that I was only 30, was, too, opposed to the idea of us getting married. But it shouldn’t be too much of a problem as she had not seen me yet.

 

About what we are like when together

She said I was like a 大哥哥/big brother to her. To me, she is sometimes a wife, sometimes a mother, sometimes, a little girl.

 

About whether I think the age gap is too large

It is not larger than I can handle.

 

 

BTW, we may go to Beijing at the end of this month!

 

@Shelly

I seem to remember (perhaps incorrectly, I can't find the relevant post) that you were planning on studying next year, would this change? I think that would be a shame.

 

Perhaps it was someone else. I didn’t plan to go back to school life. :）

 

@abcdefg

Are her parents still in the picture? Will they look kindly on you?

Probably not. But if her daughter has found someone she loves, even if that man is much younger, they are not very likely to force her daughter to end that relationship. : )

 

since her daughter is married, you might get to be a young grandpa 三十而立 haha

think about this 

That's a bit embarrassing but I think I can handle it. : )

 

 

 

 

[Kenny同志]

She does not want to get married soon as it would give her massive pressure--I understand that as if we get married it would be sensational in our small town. She is also very worried that my parents would not give their approval. So I am not going to rush it. I will take it slow and 順其自然.

[Angelina]

This time, she told him about me and he, after learning that we were getting married (she lied to him), he agreed to let go of her, tearfully, and gave his blessing.

She said that he had wanted to take her to Hong Kong, Macau, Yunnan, and many other places, but she was not interested and felt it would be boring.

 

BTW, we may go to Beijing at the end of this month!   

Her daughter, after learning that I was only 30, was, too, opposed to the idea of us getting married. But it shouldn’t be too much of a problem as she had not seen me yet.

 

 

Be careful!

This has absolutely nothing to do with your age.

[Kenny同志]

Could you please explain, Angelina?

[imron]

She has shown you that she has no problem lying to people that she is in a relationship with.

 

That is something important to think about if you are considering being in a relationship with her.

[Angelina]

Kenny, be careful not to get hurt. She already told you she lied to someone else, I am not sure how honest she is with you. 

[Flickserve]

Difficult to trust someone with a track record like that. However, in China, are values different for ordinary people compared to Western culture? In Chinese culture, is it acceptable to lie?

Do you have to get married? What about just living together and enjoying each other's company?

[Kenny同志]

Thanks for the caution, Imron and Angelina.

 

Yes, I have some doubts. She has told me many thinly veiled lies but I have never had the heart to expose them. Another thing that puts me in doubt is that she says she loves me but when we chat on WeChat, she can ignore what I say and suddenly leave me alone. I understand she may have something important to do but when she gets back, she never responds to what I say last time. Many a time I was just like a fool waiting for her reply, in vain.

 

I bought her a bottle of Chanel N°5 which will arrive in a few days, and a Huawei mobile phone (P9) which was delivered this morning and I am going to take the gadget to her later today. Well, this was all my idea. She didn’t want to take either present but I insisted. I also offered to take her to Beijing, all on my expenses—she proposed to pay part of the expenses but I refused.

 

But when we chatted on WeChat last night, she questioned whether my sweet words were sincere (她問我會疼她多久，我說：“心跳多久，疼妳多久”and I meant it as long as she loves me). And then she said “請你保存（這句話）。我們都睡。是真睡。好多真（she referred to some of my sweet words, i.e. “真的想她，真的喜歡她，真的在乎她，真的疼她”），反意思。” and stopped talking and fell asleep though she knew I was waiting for her reply (I said after her last line: “妳不信？總而言之，我可以捫心自問沒有半點虛言。睡吧，晚安。真真假假，時間自有定論。睡了嗎？Several minutes later—看來妳睡了。那傻瓜也睡了。晚安。”).

 

I love her but I am not sure how much she loves me.

[Kenny同志]

Difficult to trust someone with a track record like that. However, in China, are values different for ordinary people compared to Western culture? In Chinese culture, is it acceptable to lie?

 

Do you have to get married? What about just living together and enjoying each other's company?

 

 

 

It is acceptable to tell white lies but she went a bit too far.

 

No, we don’t have to get married. But if we live together without being married, it could be difficult for both of us.

[imron]

I'm honestly sorry to say this, but from what you've written it looks like she is using you for emotional validation more than anything, that is, saying and doing things that make you profess again and again your love for her.

 

By implying that she doubts your love, you increase your efforts to profess your love, and that continued profession of love gives her emotional validation.  It's a manipulative thing to do.

 

but I am not sure how much she loves me

Here are some words someone once told me - Ignore everything they say, and pay attention to what they do.  From that you will know how much you are in their heart.

[Flickserve]

I'm honestly sorry to say this, but from what you've written it looks like she is using you for emotional validation more than anything, that is, saying and doing things that make you profess again and again your love for her.

By implying that she doubts your love, you increase your efforts to profess your love, and that continued profession of love gives her emotional validation. It's a manipulative thing to do....

Agree very much with this. All those expressions of insecurity are psychological manipulations to make you try harder. Everything (absolutely everything) Kenny has written points to this. I think it also applies to the previous lover. I have seen this before in HK where a girl plays off two guys against one another seeing which one will treat her better. In the end, she will go for the one who she can manipulate more easily.

Why would anybody stand for this sort of thing?

[feihong]

I really like Imron's last line of advice: Pay attention to what she does, not what she says.

 

 

The only thing I would add to that is that showering her with expensive gifts is probably not helping. If you can't restrain yourself from giving her things, then at least go with smaller, more personal items, for example flowers, handwritten notes, origami, poetry, etc.

[imron]

Yes, indeed.  Someone who loves you will cherish these smaller, more personal items.  Someone who does not will likely treat them with disdain.

 

 

 

All those expressions of insecurity are psychological manipulations to make you try harder

They also serve as a hook if you wise up and decide to leave because the manipulator can then turn your own words against you - 'you said you loved me', which is actually still the same tactic of trying to get you once again to profess your love and that you were mistaken to think of leaving.

[Flickserve]

Kenny,

Has she cried in front of you? Be careful - it's another manipulative tactic.

[li3wei1]

I decided a long time ago that the only proper response to a woman complaining that I don't love her, or I don't love her enough, or saying 'if you really loved me . . .', is to say, 'yeah, you're right, I don't, I never did. live with it'

[Lu]

Kenny, never minding the age gap, she doesn't sound like she's the woman you're going to marry. If she tells small lies and you mind but don't have the heart to tell her so, that is not good. The wechat thing also doesn't sound positive. Going to sleep at some point is only natural, but she doesn't seem as ardently in love as you are.

 

Gift-buying really depends on the persons involved. For some people, if one isn't buying the occasional really expensive gift, it means that person doesn't value them. For others, if their partner buys them really expensive gifts they feel they're being purchased. Only you two can decide what kind of gift culture you want to have in your relationship. But it's imporant to agree on this, because disagreeing in what gifts mean can really sour things.

 

I won't tell you to stop seeing her, but make sure you don't marry her, don't make any major life decisions around her, and keep your finances in order. And keep seeing good friends who love you in an uncomplicated way.

[Shelley]

Be very careful, the more I read the more worried I become for you.

 

Because of your health problems and your age you are in the vulnerable position of feeling this maybe your only chance with a women that is as you put it ,

She is pretty, affectionate, and extremely considerate and thoughtful,

 

This women is stringing you along and making you swear undying love continually without responding the same way.

 

Do not give these expensive gifts, you will come across as trying to buy her love, as said above small tokens of love, poems, notes etc should be sufficient to show your affections which really don't come from the things you give her but from your heart.

 

This sort of expensive gift is for couples who have been together a while and know what each other need and like.

 

Don't take her to Beijing unless she does actually pay for half up front not with promises to pay you later or in kind.

 

If you ignore her for a while, will she come chasing after you to see if you are okay? will she be distraught without you?

 

Back off for a while, if you truly love her and she loves you, it will happen, but if you let her go and she makes no effort to return maybe it wasn't meant to be.

 

Don't jump for the first fish that bites, there are as the saying goes plenty of fish in the sea, even if you don't believe that now, it is true.

 

Remember you are still only young and have many years ahead of you to find someone who really cars for you and who you are.

 

What ever you do don't rush into this relationship.

 

I wish you the best and hope you do find love from a women who deserves you.

[Kenny同志]

非常謝謝大家。真心誠意謝謝。

 

I'm honestly sorry to say this, but from what you've written it looks like she is using you for emotional validation more than anything, that is, saying and doing things that make you profess again and again your love for her.

 

By implying that she doubts your love, you increase your efforts to profess your love, and that continued profession of love gives her emotional validation.  It's a manipulative thing to do.

 

 

 

I decided a long time ago that the only proper response to a woman complaining that I don't love her, or I don't love her enough, or saying 'if you really loved me . . .', is to say, 'yeah, you're right, I don't, I never did. live with it'

 

 

Maybe that is because she has seen too many men who are Janus-faced. In fact, the only time she questioned whether my love for her was true was when we chatted on WeChat that night (as mentioned in my post #30). Well, she told me next day (when we were together) that she was joking. 

 

Ignore everything they say, and pay attention to what they do

 

 

I agree. She is very nice to me most of the time but sometimes she distances me or leaves me alone on purpose so I am very mixed up there.

 

All those expressions of insecurity are psychological manipulations to make you try harder. Everything (absolutely everything) Kenny has written points to this. I think it also applies to the previous lover. I have seen this before in HK where a girl plays off two guys against one another seeing which one will treat her better. In the end, she will go for the one who she can manipulate more easily.

 

 

She didn’t manipulate me. In fact, she wanted us to chat and see each other less often, saying we could never be more than friends because of the age gap and that it would be better to back out before it gets too late, in other words, before we become inseparable. But I couldn’t help sending her messages or seeing her.

 

The only thing I would add to that is that showering her with expensive gifts is probably not helping. If you can't restrain yourself from giving her things, then at least go with smaller, more personal items, for example flowers, handwritten notes, origami, poetry, etc.

 

 

Thanks for your advice, Feihong. In fact, she doesn’t like me buying her expensive gifts. Anyway, I will refrain myself from doing that again.

 

Has she cried in front of you? Be careful - it's another manipulative tactic.

 

 

No, she didn’t. But she did say she was moved to tears quite a few times for what I said.

 

Going to sleep at some point is only natural, but she doesn't seem as ardently in love as you are.

 

 

I am afraid this is true…

 

I won't tell you to stop seeing her, but make sure you don't marry her, don't make any major life decisions around her, and keep your finances in order. And keep seeing good friends who love you in an uncomplicated way.

 

 

Thanks Lu. I appreciate your advice. : )

Don't take her to Beijing unless she does actually pay for half up front not with promises to pay you later or in kind.

 

If you ignore her for a while, will she come chasing after you to see if you are okay? will she be distraught without you?

 

Back off for a while, if you truly love her and she loves you, it will happen, but if you let her go and she makes no effort to return maybe it wasn't meant to be.

 

 

Many thanks, Shelly. I understand your concern. : ) In fact, she insisted paying some of the expenses for the trip to Beijing but I refused. When I saw her yesterday, we talked about the trip again, and she suggested that we go there next spring or summer when the weather is warm, saying that I can’t stand the cold there. She even proposed we cancel the trip because of the high expenses. She also said that she would be happy to spend a few days with me in Changde, which is just 100km or so away from where we live. 

 

I am sure she is not after my money or expensive gifts but she just does not love me as much as I love her. Maybe just like you say, I should leave her alone for a while and see what happens. If she cares about me, she would see if I 過得好 or not without her.

 

I wish you the best and hope you do find love from a women who deserves you.

 

 

My heartfelt thanks, Shelly.