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About to enter into a relationship but we have a huge age gap of 18 years, would that be a problem?

Kenny同志

By Kenny同志
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Angelina

Angelina

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She also said that she would be happy to spend a few days with me in Changde, which is just 100km or so from where we live. 

 

 

I don't want to be blunt because you have feelings, so I can only say that you should be careful with her, really. 

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Lu

Lu

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In fact, she wanted us to chat and see each other less often, saying we could never be more than friends because of the age gap and that it would be better to back out before it gets too late

(...)

She even proposed we cancel the trip because of the high expenses.

It's possible that she's trying to gently break up with you.

 

It sounds a bit like the old story: A likes B, a lot. B likes A as well and enjoys spending time together, but doesn't like A as much as A likes B. At first, all is well, but as A's love is growing, B is starting to get tired of the affair. Since B still likes A as a person, B feels bad to just dump A, or B hates breaking up because it's an unpleasant conversation to have, and hopes that A will just naturally stop wanting to be together. Meanwhile, A senses that B's passion is waning and tries to hold on even faster, but this inevitably just makes B pull away more. It ends with A having their heart broken and B feeling bad about it.

 

(Incidentally, this has nothing to do with an age gap. It can happen regardless of the age of either of the participants.)

 

I've been there and done that, and I suspect many people have. Personally, when I was in A's position, I knew what was going on but couldn't help trying to hold on against my better judgment. Even knowing what I know now I wouldn't have done things differently, because I wouldn't have been able to. I got my heart broken a few times, but no further damage was done. I think this is what will happen with you, Kenny, and I trust you'll be alright after initially feeling very bad. I wish you all the best.

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Angelina

Angelina

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My personal opinion is that she has this fixation on getting out of the small town (BTW not sure what a small town in China is, 1 million?) where you are living. Remember how her former lover supposedly wanted to take her with him to all these different places? I think this is a crucial part of the story. 

 

I think instead of focusing on whether or not you should be in a relationship with her, you should talk to her about her life. She might have been bullied, there might have been gossip. Try to help her. At the end of the day, maybe it would be a good idea for her to move somewhere else, not sure if you should be moving out together or be a couple at all. Maybe she should confront her fears and make peace with the people she wants to get away from, maybe just leave them and never look back. 

 

You should help her, but not necessarily as a boyfriend. 

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Angelina

Angelina

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Think about it this way, she probably wants the other man to take her to Changde and is lying to him that you are offering to take her to Beijing but she does not want to go. Then she might get an upgrade to HK. You should feel lucky.

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Kenny同志

Kenny同志

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Think about it this way, she probably wants the other man to take her to Changde and is lying to him that you are offering to take her to Beijing but she does not want to go. Then she might get an upgrade to HK. You should feel lucky.

She is not that sort of person. She has been to Melbourne with that man.

 

delete her number and block it. 

I don't have the heart to do so...我很沒用.

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Shelley

Shelley

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Be strong and happy that you didn't put any more energy into this relationship. You feel bad now, but you must realise that you have actually had a narrow escape and you have come out of it relatively unscathed, you could have invested more time, money and emotions into this relationship.

 

You will shed a few tears, life will seem miserable but it will get better, this sounds like a cliche but its true. There have been many broken hearts but also many mended hearts and there will be more, its part of life.

 

As I said before I hope you find someone who deserves you and respects and loves you for who you are.

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Lu

Lu

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Kenny, I'm so sorry. Of course you feel bad, it sucks to be hurt like that.

 

What you can do now: accept that you feel horrible, that's only normal. Do things you like: reading, watching movies you enjoy, whatever distracts you. (For me, work helps as well.) Make sure you get exercise and sunlight every day. Eat good food. Meet friends and/or family whose company you enjoy. Get drunk once or twice if that helps. Take good care, I hope you feel better soon.

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